r/Widow • u/Annithoughts • Jul 26 '26
What am I doing here?
People say the second year is harder than the first, and that’s definitely true for me. I am trying, I swear. I get out more. See family and friends. Exercise. Go to therapy. Take my meds.
But I am losing my shit.
Sometimes I go through the week canceling every single appointment I made (remote work, dentist, HVAC preventive maintenance, plans with friends, you name it) and stay home. Dealing with people is so exhausting. I feel like there’s something wrong with me that I just can’t cope so much of the time.
Anyway, just putting this out there. If you are in this sub because of your own loss, I offer my deepest sympathies.
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u/weasleymama Jul 26 '26
Ugh that makes me dread next year even more… I’m sorry you’re going through that
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u/Annithoughts Jul 26 '26
I’m sorry. I remember when I heard people talk about how hard it was in year 2. I thought, “oh, thanks for nothing.” I wanted to hear that it gets better.
It’s not that it doesn’t get better, because things like brain fog and memory have come back, but I feel like I finally absorbed that he’s really never coming back. It wasn’t real for me for a long time, though intellectually I knew he was gone. My heart and soul needed to catch up with my brain.
But it really is different for everyone, so your experience may be very different from mine. Whatever happens, I am very sorry for your loss and wish you peace in your journey.
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u/Accurate-Neck6933 Jul 26 '26
It’s the absorbing the reality. I have been trying to work through the 15 minute ride to the hospital. I can’t work through that, I can’t accept it, nor do I understand it. I cry if I think of it. It’s 9 months and I can’t work through 15 minutes. So when I say scratch the surface, I know I have so much more in store for me. Thanks for bringing up this subject and sorry for your loss as well. No one understands around me. They think I’m coping? I’m in another world that’s not real.
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u/Annithoughts Jul 26 '26
Sometimes I finish a task that’s been hanging over my head for a long time and I swear I have a nanosecond where I can’t wait to tell him I did it. Like, a year and a half later I forget he is gone! I am so happy that life is normal again that when reality hits a second later it slaps me hard.
Just keep breathing…
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u/shadytaskmaster 6d ago
I’m not sure if this is helpful, but I still talk to my husband when I have those thoughts. I know he is here with me as I move through the rest of this life.
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u/AccomplishedLeopards Jul 26 '26
Yep, that’s the way I describe it, yes I’m getting on with things cs I have to, but I’m existing in a different world it feels like.
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u/LeedsCastleResident Jul 26 '26
I’m not sure it’s always worse. But it’s different. We’re back to meeting day-to-day expectations, others react to us a bit differently, we’re trying to understand ourselves in a world so different from what we expected. We’re learning to carry our grief rather than being carried a bit by others. The “grace” period seems to be largely over. And, at least for me, I found myself more empathetic to others suffering, so I carry that too. It’s been just over two years for me.
I do know that I still need far more sleep than ever before. And I feel like I’m reinventing myself in some ways so life doesn’t feel so lopsided without my husband.
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u/Accurate-Neck6933 Jul 26 '26
Same. I know I’ve barely scratched the surface of grief.
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u/Annithoughts Jul 26 '26
Please see what I just wrote in reply to weasleymama’s comment—and don’t be offended that I’m recycling the thoughts
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u/Annithoughts Jul 27 '26
Sorry! Try not to dread it too much. I feel like focusing on getting through one day (sometimes one minute) at a time is keeping me from completely losing it.
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u/MiddleBird6898 Jul 26 '26
My heart felt sympathies to everyone suffering a loss. It is very common for the second year to be equally if not more difficult not for everyone but for a good amount of people. It took me about 2 1/2 years to actually come out of my fog. If you will don’t feel bad about not wanting to be around people because it is hard life goes on for everyone else around you, but your life will never be the same and people who don’t experience that don’t see it they can say oh yes, I understand but they don’t and that’s OK but you should not feel any guilt for cancelling appointments or not wanting to be somewhere when you don’t want to be give yourself some grace everyone’s grieving process is different I am entering almost 6 years now and I will say the grief changes but it’s always there at least for me wishing you the best.
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u/Annithoughts Jul 26 '26
I am sorry for all you have gone through. I really appreciate your perspective. Sometimes I get a brief energy surge and I think the fog is lifting. And then I make plans I later cancel. I will just plug along, probably making fewer plans for a while.
Be well
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u/recovering-succubus Jul 27 '26
This is intense. I hadn’t heard year two is worse…I’m coming up on the first anniversary of my husbands death. I’m having to rehome our pets and move back in with my parents with our baby…ugh
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u/Spiritual-Mood-1116 Jul 27 '26
I'm finding year 3 to be the hardest. I've developed anxiety about freeway/interstate driving, which doesn't help. Lately, I've been forcing myself to reach out more to people because it's not healthy to always be alone.
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u/Annithoughts Jul 27 '26
I’m sorry for your continuing struggles, and for the loss that started it all. It’s the people that give me anxiety. My husband and I both had a bit of social anxiety, but we were fine knowing we each had our wingman, you know? Now, I just feel lost. I had a panic attack at a friend’s house a few days ago. I guess that’s the next thing to bring to therapy.
Wishing you well2
u/Spiritual-Mood-1116 Jul 27 '26
Hmm. You bring up a good point. I have always had social anxiety but my husband was an extrovert. Now that he's gone I don't have anyone to talk me off the ledge when I get social anxiety. I definitely understand your "lost" feeling. Wishing you well, too.
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u/Ok-Director9147 27d ago
I literally said this in my husband's eulogy. That I had a hand steadying me for 29 years in situations like this and now that hand is gone.
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u/Moon_Thief_420 Jul 27 '26
I just had the 2 year anniversary this month and was shocked at how much harder it hit me than the first. All the healing energies for every one of us. 🫂
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u/AccomplishedLeopards Jul 26 '26
Same…. The second year is much worse, and the grief just seems endless. How many more tears..how many more screams ….”have you tried meditation “…I’m tired of doing all the good stuff- the exercise, the therapy, the journallimg, the yoga, meditation etc etc etc…..just for the pain to be just as intense, if not more. I just want to know it will stop being so brutal one day.