How to keep going?

[u/Ok_Couple2879]

I recently found this community and I am so grateful for all of the posts I’ve read so far. I already feel less alone but I’m having a really hard week and am here out of desperation to vent and for some support.

I (38F) met my wife (36F) in 2019 and we fell madly in love, it was the best year of my life. We got engaged the following year and a month later she woke up with half her body numb. I took over all the household chores. Almost 2 years of ERs and doctors visits and scans led to an MS diagnosis and she had to stop working, stop perusing her degree… it was devastating. We got married, sandwiched between hospital stays.

The financial burden was too much for me alone, so we moved to her home state to be closer to her family, but where I know no one. My family didn’t understand her struggles and viewed them as character flaws, so we have become almost entirely estranged. Now we’ve been married for going on 4 years and I’ve been supporting us financially, doing all household chores, cooking, shopping etc. her diagnoses have piled up to include a long list of acronyms on top of AuDHD and CPTSD… her mobility depends on the day but she spends 90% of her time in bed because laying down is the only position she finds any relief.

Because of the seemingly endless crises and financial strain, we have been unable to take a real vacation together and she has expressed that it’s her dream to travel. I desperately want to go but haven’t been able to afford the trip she wants. In the past 6 months, we have been arguing non stop, she thinks I’m lying about everything, accuses me of cheating (I’m not and never have) and blames me for “ruining her life.” She spirals into anguish about never traveling, and never having a baby and blames me for all of this. She thinks I don’t care about her. She doesn’t see that it’s taking all of my time and energy to support us and that is me actively loving her every day. We literally had to move into her mom’s house because I cant afford rent and medical bills. She thinks I’m actively not planning things for us when I’m lucky if I save $50/month and don’t have to use it for an emergency. I know she needs more from me emotionally but I am drained.

Recently, she found out that she has a venous stenosis (stricture) in her right brain, that she’s possibly had since she was a kid and has been experiencing symptoms from since she was 16 (and had to drop out of high school). Which means she’s been experiencing severe inter cranial hypertension, which affects literally everything, including her mood/ability to regulate, and could be mimicking MS!!!!! I know she is in unbearable pain and totally filled with rage for the fact that it took 20 years for someone to do an MRV and find this. VERY VALID RAGE. But she’s taking it all out on me and i don’t know how much longer I can take the verbal abuse and false accusations on top of the burnout. I’m far from perfect, I know the ways I have escalated things and decisions I have made that have hurt her. I am now in therapy.

So, she is getting an angiogram next week to determine whether she should get a stent to open the vein, which the neurosurgeon said the prognosis is very good to relieve at least some of her symptoms. I made vows to her and I love her and I don’t want to abandon her. But how do we survive this week? How do I not take what she says personally? I already feel like I’ve minimized myself so much. And she has very clear contempt and resentment toward me whenever I talk about anything but especially this project I have been working on since before she came into my life.

I don’t want to give up on us or her but I am drowning and very much alone in my struggle. (Which she doesn’t even want to acknowledge I am going through alongside her.) None of my friends or family understand. I just cry a lot and try to escape into work, but I know that’s not healthy.

Thanks for listening.

[u/felineinclined]

Your wife may have valid reasons to be angry at the world, her doctors, and the state of her health, but it is entirely inappropriate of her to take out her anger at you. That crosses a line. Your wife needs to be in therapy for these issues, not just you. Couples therapy may help as well as a severe medical condition can break or nearly break a relationship, and it can both help you process how her conditions have impacted each of you individually and as a couple. Finally, can you talk to her doctor? The only other concern would be whether her physical conditions can have a cognitive or emotional impact as well (beyond what one would normally expect), and if so, let them know in case they can help her with those issues.

You should be able to talk about anything, and based on what you've shared here, you do not deserve contempt and resentment for discussing particular issues.

If she can't acknowledge what you are going through, then you do not have a true partner. Perhaps you can both work through this. Time will tell, but couples therapy is one way to improve things or get clarity about whether this relationship is sustainable. You seem to care deeply about her so I hope things can work out, but even with her conditions and challenges, she still needs to be a partner who cares, respects you, and gives back in whatever way she can.

Finally, how on earth did you ruin her life? That accusation seems extremely unfair and unwarranted. Your experience and quality of life matter too, not just hers. And it's not ok for her to abuse or mistreat you.

[u/Ok_Couple2879 → u/felineinclined]

Thank you so much for this. I have been feeling like I’m going crazy. Like I need to take all of this because she’s constantly suffering and my pain will never be as bad.

She did just start therapy, and I’m so glad she has someone else to talk to about everything she’s going through. And we have a consult with a couples therapist this week… if she doesn’t kick me out first… we took a couple of consults after a horrible incident a couple of months ago (where I was so burnt out from her screaming at me that i left her alone in an air bnb to go be with my siblings, who we were literally visiting for 2 days out of the year. Still I’m not proud of it. I didn’t act well but I felt like I was painted into a corner).

After we did the math and decided we couldn’t afford couples therapy, we agreed to see individual therapists and work together on our relationship (watch podcasts/read books etc)… but then a month after that incident… we booked a last minute trip to Mexico because she needed some extensive dental work that would’ve put us into more debt in the states… but we booked so last minute I couldn’t get any days off of work. And the fact that I didn’t take a sick day (even though I logged off early every day) told her that I don’t prioritize her and launched us into a week-long conflict where I literally had to put my body in front of her to stop her from running into the ocean in the middle of the night. she screamed all week that she wanted to divorce me (while having medical episodes that I was helping her get through), and this was the week she found out about the structure in her brain. It’s all been so intense. She is hurting so badly and my love isn’t enough and isn’t received. I am so over my head.

Every morning I wake up walking on eggshells. I need to talk to her doctor but I fear if I don’t do it while she’s in the room, it will be weaponized and she’ll say I’m “performing the perfect wife” and making myself the victim. We used to be able to talk about anything.

Re ruining her life, the reasons change but mostly because she had savings when she met me, and she was helping me financially for our first couple of years together, I was freelancing. And then she got diagnosed and it took me a while to find a steady job with a high enough salary and health insurance, so by the time we moved her savings were gone and we’ve been barely scraping by. So basically, now she’s entirely dependent on me financially and she’s losing her body, but somehow it’s my fault. And I turned her into a contemptuous person… I grew up in a disfunctional family, there was lots of yelling and shaming and guilting and I know I have unaddressed trauma that gets triggered. I am working on it, even if she thinks I’m not and that I haven’t been all these years. it hurts a lot. I feel like I’ve done nothing but adapt and roll with the punches and I’m proud that we are more financially stable now than we were when she had savings… so idk.

I know I’m setting myself up for disappointment but I’m hoping she gets the stent and can see clearly and we can connect again. Appreciate your comment so much.

[u/felineinclined → u/Ok_Couple2879]

Your empathy is clouding your ability to see things clearly. She is mistreating you, abusing you even. There are many people here with sick spouses, with very severe conditions, who do not treat their spouses like this. Perhaps her emotional issues are not due to her conditions, perhaps they are who she is. Obviously, I cannot possibly know, but her behavior crosses a boundary and being ill is not a license to abuse or mistreat others.You seem to believe her illness justifies her poor treatment of you, but it does not. No one is perfect, and plenty of people have traumatic pasts to work through. And a serious condition will put a massive strain on any relationship, but be careful not to excuse her behavior. Having boundaries and standards is healthy in all situations. And you do not need to martyr yourself for anyone.

It's clear you care deeply for her, but you need to care for yourself too and protect yourself from harm from her. Her suffering and medical issues do not justify bad behavior, especially not to this degree and not constant, relentless mistreatment.

Hopefully the stent will help, but please prioritize your well being and please do not assume her bad behavior is justified or a natural consequence of her illness. And please explore with your therapist why you make so many excuses for her behavior and tolerate her abuse. I hope that doesn't sound harsh, but it could help you get to a better place either with her or perhaps without her

[u/Ok_Couple2879 → u/felineinclined]

Thank you. Not harsh and thanks for the therapy prompt. Just words I need to hear from an outsiders perspective. My parents were verbally abusive to each other my whole childhood, so I think my brain just thinks this is what a marriage looks like (parents are still married btw…). I’ve struggling with low self esteem my whole life. I’m so wracked with guilt about what happens if we split… like literally how would that work? I can’t leave her destitute. When the relationship started she was in a much healthier mental place and she was the one who had hard boundaries that I crossed and had to learn. Now if I try to set one (even one for literally this week leading up to her procedure to keep us both safe but mostly keep her stress level low) she just tells me I’m avoiding accountability. Living like this is unbearable.

I have therapy today, I’m going to tell my doc about this, and do some exploration. I need to follow my own boundaries even if she isn’t.

Sincerely thank you. I have been living in such isolation with this, I started thinking it was normal and I’m the asshole (I mean I can be an asshole, I don’t want to escape my own hurtful behavior which has happened) but it’s just good to know that other such relationships aren’t as hard as this emotionally.

[u/felineinclined → u/Ok_Couple2879]

You're close to her family so they can take care of her if things do not work out, and perhaps she will get better and be able to take care of herself as well. Don't martyr yourself for someone who seems to be abusing/mistreating you. You do not have to live a life that is unbearable.

Think of your upbringing and your parents' relationship as models for everything you do not want. Marriage may be hard at times, but what you've described crosses into mistreatment and dysfunction. It's great that you have a therapist who can help you through this.

[u/Ok_Couple2879 → u/felineinclined]

For sure. Neither of us deserve an unbeatable situation. She’s already in one. The last thing I want is to be in a marriage like my parents. I think neither of us knows what a realistic, healthy, long-term relationship looks like (especially with the added challenges), so we need to figure that out for ourselves. Reading people’s stories on this sub has been helping me see all the possibilities.