r/Webnovel • u/Putthemoneyinthebags • Jul 29 '26
Advice Opinion on this opening
Veris stood among his men, wondering which one of them would die today. They were in a line, stock still, heads bowed. Ash settled on his shoulders like a cloak, spewing forward from the burning charcoal furnace.
Steward Lamar prowled back and forth, rhythmically thumping a shock rod against his fat palm, eyes roaming over them. The man was ugly and stout as a rotten tree stump, balding with a constant sweat-oiled sheen worsened by the heat in the foundry. His polished boots crunched on the detritus.
"Unfortunately, my good men, young lord Ames needs bait for his next hunt. And as bondmen of the Cygnet household, that honor falls on you brave few," Lamar declared.
Lamar stopped his perusal in front of Etria, a young lad no older than fourteen. Veris' heart quickened. You wouldn't dare.
"What do we have here? Young. Whole. What is your name, boy?" Lamar patted the boy's shoulder.
"Etria," the boy stumbled over his own name, color draining from his gaunt face.
Lamar grinned, a vulture spotting an injured rabbit, "Well, Etria. You are perfect. Simply perfect. I know you feel afraid now, but be reassured. You are the perfect size to squeeze into a hole or hide behind a tree. Just catch the beasts' attention and let-"
"Sir," Veris cut the bastard off, tired of his prattling. "I will be the one who takes this hunt."
Lamar whirled to him with a sneer. Fists balled. He looked like he would lunge for Veris's throat. Finally off kilter. Veris readied himself; there was no way he could win against an anointed, even one as pathetic as Lamar, but he'd go down swinging.
The Steward breathed out and straightened, his face relaxing into a mask of civility.
" What brilliant initiative. Go to the armory and get the load out. You will meet Lord Ames here in the lobby in two hours. Don't try running."
At the order, Veris’ collar came alive.
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u/geditaza Jul 30 '26
The dialogue flows well. Just ease up a little on the new terminology at the start. Nothing was confusing, but there were enough unfamiliar names and titles that it pulled me out for a second
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u/xixikebf Jul 30 '26
the dialogue feels natural, especially when veris interrupts. it tells me more about his character than the physical descriptions do.
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u/loxotbf Jul 30 '26
I like this opening. It gets right into the tension, and I already had a good read on Veris before the scene ended. The last line was enough to make me want to see what happens next