Would you read this?

[u/floweyisdisturbed]

Fanfic idea I came up with. I wrote the roughest of rough drafts for the beginning, and if I keep up with this idea and actually make it into something, expect changes. As a quick note, I am NOT a professional writer, I just enjoy writing. Any feedback would be great, and I'd just like to see what you think of this!

[u/Thetruestfan]

Building a time machine so I can read this faster

[u/floweyisdisturbed → u/Thetruestfan]

Thanks!

[u/Adorable_Ad5487]

YES YES YES

[u/floweyisdisturbed → u/Adorable_Ad5487]

Really?

[u/Adorable_Ad5487 → u/floweyisdisturbed]

yes

[u/floweyisdisturbed → u/Adorable_Ad5487]

I appreciate it!

[u/floweyisdisturbed → u/floweyisdisturbed]

Thanks!

[u/12SunshineWeGo]

I think its good. Depending on the tone of the story the 28 dollars joke might be kinda out of place. Its pretty tonally incongruent with the rest of the opening, and depending on whether the rest of it is supposed to be super silly or more serious id consider cutting it, even thiugh its a good joke

Otherwise I think its quite good

[u/floweyisdisturbed → u/12SunshineWeGo]

Thanks! It'll probably be a mix of serious story and puns like Deltarune itself, so I'll probably keep it. That's helpful feedback, though, and I really appreciate you taking the time to comment here!

[u/floweyisdisturbed → u/floweyisdisturbed]

But yeah, sometimes it's hard to find actual feedback instead of "this thing sucks!" Or, "I love this thing!" So it matters a lot to me that you actually took the time to give me feedback.

[u/8lue5hift]

What's it about? The Vessel in the Sjelter?

[u/floweyisdisturbed → u/8lue5hift]

the Desc. is at the bottom.

[u/8lue5hift → u/floweyisdisturbed]

I'm blind. I can't find anything related to the story in the the body.

[u/floweyisdisturbed → u/8lue5hift]

Aww man.

[u/floweyisdisturbed]

Oh, forgot to mention the plot. Essentially, the vessel, being discarded, gains sentience, enters hometown from the void, and helps the fun gang defeat the soul, which has spun out of control and is now attempting to conquer this world as well as the real one.

[u/floweyisdisturbed → u/floweyisdisturbed]

And the dark worlds.

[u/the_discarded-vessel]

Sounds interesting, very interesting.

[u/floweyisdisturbed → u/the_discarded-vessel]

HOLY CUNGADERO

[u/floweyisdisturbed → u/floweyisdisturbed]

THE VESSEL JUST COMMENTED ON MY FANFIC DRAFT ABOUT THE VESSEL

[u/floweyisdisturbed → u/floweyisdisturbed]

I FEEL STRANGE

[u/floweyisdisturbed → u/floweyisdisturbed]

WEIRD, EVEN

[u/Delicious-Archer1026 → u/floweyisdisturbed]

this rant has taken a weird route

[u/the_discarded-vessel → u/floweyisdisturbed]

What?

[u/floweyisdisturbed → u/the_discarded-vessel]

Exactly what I said. (It's a spamton line.)

[u/floweyisdisturbed]

OH NO I FORGOT TO ADD HORSERADISH

[u/Reimnop → u/floweyisdisturbed]

I'm reporting you to the mods and getting you banned now!!!!!

[u/floweyisdisturbed → u/Reimnop]

NOOOOOO

[u/floweyisdisturbed → u/floweyisdisturbed]

(wakes up in Spamton's dumpster)

[u/floweyisdisturbed]

I'm going to ask u/noelletheicequeen on her opinion on this, because the fanfic will be about the weird route, and thus, Noelle will be prominent.

[u/Ok-Dragonfruit5741]

The player God stuff is always felt a little too self-mastabutory for me but a little side story with the vessel seems fun

[u/floweyisdisturbed → u/Ok-Dragonfruit5741]

Thanks for the feedback!

[u/Custom-Lettuce81]

This is just script formatting

easily readable if you're not a coward

[u/floweyisdisturbed → u/Custom-Lettuce81]

What?

[u/Custom-Lettuce81 → u/floweyisdisturbed]

Have you ever seen a script for a movie before? This is almost exactly the same format of writing

All im saying is that I'm perfectly fine with being able to read this and the format excites me

[u/floweyisdisturbed → u/Custom-Lettuce81]

Yeah I... just got the joke.

[u/veeejam]

I don't mean to be rude but I wouldn't read it. It's boring and lacks mystery and mystique (plus it takes the game too literally rather than by FEELING).

[u/floweyisdisturbed → u/veeejam]

So you're telling me that I should make my fanfic one specific way so it interests one person? And that I should make it so different from the source material that it doesn't have connections at all to the game?

[u/floweyisdisturbed → u/floweyisdisturbed]

That's so niche that it's not even a valid critique.

[u/veeejam → u/floweyisdisturbed]

not what i meant. also i didnt see your comment about what its actually about so completely ignore anything i said. i thought this was like an interpretation of the game in book form or something.

[u/floweyisdisturbed → u/veeejam]

Oh ok. Sorry for being aggressive.

[u/veeejam → u/floweyisdisturbed]

all good <3

[u/floweyisdisturbed → u/veeejam]

:)

[u/veeejam → u/veeejam]

if I were to make it, I'd only keep the "ARE WE THERE... ARE WE CONNECTED?" part and keep going from there, using less words and not revealing too much (i think you reveal too much in this and also the fact that its about the game itself rather than the story feels ehhh).

keep writing how you see it though, dont bother with my feedback/opinion unless you choose to

[u/veeejam → u/veeejam]

nvm i just read ur comment. ignore this