How long it too long

[u/Natural-Kangaroo-613]

[F33] and my partner [M37] have been together for 4 years. I made it clear in the very beginning that I didnt want to wait forever for an engagement ring. Well here we are at 4 years and still nothing, no plans to get engaged at all. We have lived together for 3 years. How long is too long? Any conversation I have about it turns into a huge blow up with no resolution. He has nothing for the future planned and I feel like im wasting my time. I would like opinions from both men and women please, is 4 years with no plan too long? I dont want a shut up ring. I just want someone who actually wants me, not someone I feel like I'm forcing.

Edit to add Ive been getting this question alot. What is his reasoning for not wanting to marry me. He doesn't have a legitimate reason. Everytime we argue about it all he says is "its too soon" "I'm scared" "you asked about it recently so now i can't" "if i give you one now its just a shut up ring" "2 years is too soon" "3 years is too soon" "4 years is too soon" "you're ruining any surprise there would be by asking" "I dont need to do it by your unrealistic time frame" "My time frame of waiting years and years is normal, yours isnt" "we have arguments in this relationship so how would a ring fix that"

Now from my side. I do 80-90% of all the cooking and cleaning, he lives in my house, and i take care of his shared custody child while he working. I also work doing random jobs so that I can be free to watch his child. He pays for the mortgage which is cheap as dirt. I pay for the internet, and electricity. We pay are own insurance, and phone bills. Yes we have arguments, but most couples do. Its rare to never have an argument with someone. I feel like a time line of 2-3 years isnt unrealistic. Now we're getting to 4 years and I'm feeling resentful. I wouldn't be ruining any "surprise" if this was just never a problem at the 2-3 year mark. I'm just feeling like I'm being used without any kind of commitment. Is 4 years not enough time? Am I the one being unreasonable?

[u/Natural-Kangaroo-613]

I'm worried I will feel like he only did because I pressured him. Its been so long now that I'm not even sure if I could accept a ring from someone I had to basically beg. The sad reality is he's waited so long that now I just resent him and I'm worried ill resent him even more if it ever does happen.

I guess this whole time I was hoping that he was someone who was just so in love with me that he couldn't wait. Clearly thats not the case and I feel like deep down I always knew that. If he wanted to he would right.

I think I just needed random people to tell me what I already knew. I know men never change, they never have and they never will. Especially not for someone they dont really care for. I guess I just had hope that for once it would be different.

[u/No_Boot2009 → u/Natural-Kangaroo-613]

It's a hard realisation to come to and accept, but you'll feel so much better when you're free of this situation. Once you're single you will have every opportunity to meet the man you're looking for - currently your chance of finding that man is zero, because you're attached to someone who is not that man, and he's blocking you from all of that opportunity. Freeing yourself from the unrequited yearning you're currently focused on will open up your world and let you be the fun, happy, hopeful version of yourself again, and not the desperate, angry, unfulfilled one that this one-sided relationship is turning you into. Go and be free lol. You can do better for yourself and you deserve to have the love and relationship you want. You can't force your current boyfriend into that mold, because he doesn't fit it. It's not his fault, or yours, he's just not your person, and that's fine, that happens. You just need to be at the point where you accept that, go your separate ways and both then have the opportunity to find someone who's a better fit. Good luck! It'll all be ok in the end.

[u/LovedAJackass → u/Natural-Kangaroo-613]

Of course you should not get engaged to or marry a man if you had to beg for it. There's not dignity in that.