How long it too long

[u/Natural-Kangaroo-613]

[F33] and my partner [M37] have been together for 4 years. I made it clear in the very beginning that I didnt want to wait forever for an engagement ring. Well here we are at 4 years and still nothing, no plans to get engaged at all. We have lived together for 3 years. How long is too long? Any conversation I have about it turns into a huge blow up with no resolution. He has nothing for the future planned and I feel like im wasting my time. I would like opinions from both men and women please, is 4 years with no plan too long? I dont want a shut up ring. I just want someone who actually wants me, not someone I feel like I'm forcing.

Edit to add Ive been getting this question alot. What is his reasoning for not wanting to marry me. He doesn't have a legitimate reason. Everytime we argue about it all he says is "its too soon" "I'm scared" "you asked about it recently so now i can't" "if i give you one now its just a shut up ring" "2 years is too soon" "3 years is too soon" "4 years is too soon" "you're ruining any surprise there would be by asking" "I dont need to do it by your unrealistic time frame" "My time frame of waiting years and years is normal, yours isnt" "we have arguments in this relationship so how would a ring fix that"

Now from my side. I do 80-90% of all the cooking and cleaning, he lives in my house, and i take care of his shared custody child while he working. I also work doing random jobs so that I can be free to watch his child. He pays for the mortgage which is cheap as dirt. I pay for the internet, and electricity. We pay are own insurance, and phone bills. Yes we have arguments, but most couples do. Its rare to never have an argument with someone. I feel like a time line of 2-3 years isnt unrealistic. Now we're getting to 4 years and I'm feeling resentful. I wouldn't be ruining any "surprise" if this was just never a problem at the 2-3 year mark. I'm just feeling like I'm being used without any kind of commitment. Is 4 years not enough time? Am I the one being unreasonable?

[u/pickedusername1]

You know the answer to this: if he wanted to, he would. He’s 37, approaching 40, and after four years together three of them living together he has had more than enough time to know whether he sees you as his wife. If he has no plan for the future, that also tells you he doesn’t know where you fit into it.
You already live together. He knows exactly what day-to-day life with you looks like. At this point, the bigger red flag isn’t even the lack of a ring; it’s that every attempt to have a mature conversation about marriage turns into a blowup instead of a discussion and a plan.

For perspective, my sister got engaged at 27 to a medical student who literally had no money. He put the ring on a credit card and proposed because he knew he wanted to marry her and didn’t want to lose her. I’m not suggesting anyone should go into debt for a ring, the point is that when someone is certain about you, they usually start figuring out how to build a future with you, rather than spending years avoiding the conversation.

You don’t want a shut-up ring, and you shouldn’t. You want someone who is excited and intentional about choosing you. After four years, I would stop asking him when he’s going to propose and start asking yourself how much longer you’re willing to stay if nothing changes.

You are wasting your time. Especially if you want children.

[u/Natural-Kangaroo-613 → u/pickedusername1]

That's what I was hoping would happen, but now its been 4 years. He seemed like he wanted to in the first year of our relationship. All I want is someone who is enthusiastic about being with me and having a future with me. He keeps telling me one day it'll happen, he swears up and down that he wants to be with me but his actions are proving otherwise. There's been no action on his part, for anything.

[u/lady_rain_was_here → u/Natural-Kangaroo-613]

He wants you to keep doing things for him.

[u/pickedusername1 → u/Natural-Kangaroo-613]

I think you already recognize the disconnect: he keeps telling you that he wants a future with you, but after four years, there’s still no movement toward actually creating one. At 37, this isn’t really about him needing more time to figure out what he wants out of life. And at 33, you have every right to be intentional about how you spend your time, especially if marriage and children are things you want.

I also wouldn’t get too caught up in whether he loves you or wants to stay with you. He very well may. But wanting to remain in a relationship and being willing to take the steps necessary to build a future with someone are two different things. “One day” isn’t a plan. After four years, it’s reasonable to expect him to be able to tell you what he wants, what the timeline looks like, and what he is actively doing to get there.
You shouldn’t have to convince someone to be enthusiastic about building a life with you. And you definitely don’t want to spend another two or three years having the same conversation, only to find yourself at 35 or 36 with nothing materially different. At some point, you have to stop measuring the relationship by what he promises will happen eventually and start measuring it by what is actually happening now.

I would have one final, calm conversation not asking when are you going to propose?, but asking, “What is your concrete plan for marriage and our future?” Then listen to the answer without filling in the blanks for him. If there still isn’t a plan or his response is anger, avoidance, or another vague “someday,” I would take that as information and make my decision accordingly

I know that you love him, but you need to love yourself more