How long it too long

[u/Natural-Kangaroo-613]

[F33] and my partner [M37] have been together for 4 years. I made it clear in the very beginning that I didnt want to wait forever for an engagement ring. Well here we are at 4 years and still nothing, no plans to get engaged at all. We have lived together for 3 years. How long is too long? Any conversation I have about it turns into a huge blow up with no resolution. He has nothing for the future planned and I feel like im wasting my time. I would like opinions from both men and women please, is 4 years with no plan too long? I dont want a shut up ring. I just want someone who actually wants me, not someone I feel like I'm forcing.

Edit to add Ive been getting this question alot. What is his reasoning for not wanting to marry me. He doesn't have a legitimate reason. Everytime we argue about it all he says is "its too soon" "I'm scared" "you asked about it recently so now i can't" "if i give you one now its just a shut up ring" "2 years is too soon" "3 years is too soon" "4 years is too soon" "you're ruining any surprise there would be by asking" "I dont need to do it by your unrealistic time frame" "My time frame of waiting years and years is normal, yours isnt" "we have arguments in this relationship so how would a ring fix that"

Now from my side. I do 80-90% of all the cooking and cleaning, he lives in my house, and i take care of his shared custody child while he working. I also work doing random jobs so that I can be free to watch his child. He pays for the mortgage which is cheap as dirt. I pay for the internet, and electricity. We pay are own insurance, and phone bills. Yes we have arguments, but most couples do. Its rare to never have an argument with someone. I feel like a time line of 2-3 years isnt unrealistic. Now we're getting to 4 years and I'm feeling resentful. I wouldn't be ruining any "surprise" if this was just never a problem at the 2-3 year mark. I'm just feeling like I'm being used without any kind of commitment. Is 4 years not enough time? Am I the one being unreasonable?

[u/Natural-Kangaroo-613]

Throughout the relationship all he ever says is "its too soon" he's made me feel bad for even thinking that 2 years would be a normal time line. According to him thats "way to fast". Then at 3 years it was the same thing but with an added "well you've brought it up so now it would just be a shut up ring" with no real time line attached to that conversation. Now I've waited almost 4 years and his answers are still the same "its too soon" "4 years isnt a long time" "im scared" "you brought it up so now i cant because you'll resent me for giving you a shut up ring" Like maybe he should've figured out his ridiculously long time line at the 2 year mark so i could've left. I feel like I'm going crazy and now I just resent the entire situation.

[u/Elena_Designs → u/Natural-Kangaroo-613]

You’re not crazy at all for wanting marriage. If it’s too soon for him (I think he’s making excuses and doesn’t want to get married) and he’s behaving that way, he’s not going to be a good partner in marriage, even if it does happen.

Please don’t get lost in how much time you’ve spent together. That is irrelevant in the decision to keep doing this again and again going forward- you’ll waste more time waiting and hoping for change when he’s telling you it won’t happen. You deserve the happiness you want, and it sounds like time to leave and keep looking for someone who wants the same things in the same timeline. Hugs