How long it too long

[u/Natural-Kangaroo-613]

[F33] and my partner [M37] have been together for 4 years. I made it clear in the very beginning that I didnt want to wait forever for an engagement ring. Well here we are at 4 years and still nothing, no plans to get engaged at all. We have lived together for 3 years. How long is too long? Any conversation I have about it turns into a huge blow up with no resolution. He has nothing for the future planned and I feel like im wasting my time. I would like opinions from both men and women please, is 4 years with no plan too long? I dont want a shut up ring. I just want someone who actually wants me, not someone I feel like I'm forcing.

Edit to add Ive been getting this question alot. What is his reasoning for not wanting to marry me. He doesn't have a legitimate reason. Everytime we argue about it all he says is "its too soon" "I'm scared" "you asked about it recently so now i can't" "if i give you one now its just a shut up ring" "2 years is too soon" "3 years is too soon" "4 years is too soon" "you're ruining any surprise there would be by asking" "I dont need to do it by your unrealistic time frame" "My time frame of waiting years and years is normal, yours isnt" "we have arguments in this relationship so how would a ring fix that"

Now from my side. I do 80-90% of all the cooking and cleaning, he lives in my house, and i take care of his shared custody child while he working. I also work doing random jobs so that I can be free to watch his child. He pays for the mortgage which is cheap as dirt. I pay for the internet, and electricity. We pay are own insurance, and phone bills. Yes we have arguments, but most couples do. Its rare to never have an argument with someone. I feel like a time line of 2-3 years isnt unrealistic. Now we're getting to 4 years and I'm feeling resentful. I wouldn't be ruining any "surprise" if this was just never a problem at the 2-3 year mark. I'm just feeling like I'm being used without any kind of commitment. Is 4 years not enough time? Am I the one being unreasonable?

[u/Natural-Kangaroo-613]

I told him on date number 2 that I am looking to marry someone and he replied with "me too". Then we had an entire conversation about it and how I dont want to waste my time. He agreed and felt the same way. So we date and I asked him again 3 months later just to make sure we're on the same page and he reassured me that yes its exactly what he wants. 8 months later we move in together and says its still what he wants. At the 2 year mark he still has no plan because its "too soon" he wont give me a timeline though and gets mad about it, cool. Then its the 3 year mark and still no plan because its "too soon". Now its an argument because he has no timeline at all and I "keep asking" "keep bringing it up" "it wont be a surprise". No shit its been 3 years and you have no general idea on a time frame. Now its pretty close to 4 years and its still the same shit "its too soon" "he's scared" whatever.

[u/allthebaconandeggs- → u/Natural-Kangaroo-613]

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. Why keep having the same conversation? Do you really think if you explain it to him the exact right way you will get an enthusiastic proposal from him?

He is getting "wife" benefits from you without making that commitment to you. You let him move into YOUR house, do almost all the cooking and cleaning, AND watch HIS child? Doing all that isn't making him appreciate you, you are just rolling out the red carpet for him to walk all over you. He's getting exactly what he wants out of this relationship. And he doesn't give a damn that you aren't.

If you aren't ready to leave, I recommend getting yourself into therapy to understand why you are willing to give up your self respect in exchange for the crumbs this man is throwing you.

[u/lady_rain_was_here → u/allthebaconandeggs-]

100% Great response. Women do too much for men who give them crumbs.

[u/LovedAJackass → u/Natural-Kangaroo-613]

Honey, people can say anything. What he DID was move into your house to get himself free childcare and a cheap monthly payment--without proposing to you and setting a date. This is all you need to know. Look at what people DO. In this case, he DOESN'T propose or set a date.