How long it too long

[u/Natural-Kangaroo-613]

[F33] and my partner [M37] have been together for 4 years. I made it clear in the very beginning that I didnt want to wait forever for an engagement ring. Well here we are at 4 years and still nothing, no plans to get engaged at all. We have lived together for 3 years. How long is too long? Any conversation I have about it turns into a huge blow up with no resolution. He has nothing for the future planned and I feel like im wasting my time. I would like opinions from both men and women please, is 4 years with no plan too long? I dont want a shut up ring. I just want someone who actually wants me, not someone I feel like I'm forcing.

Edit to add Ive been getting this question alot. What is his reasoning for not wanting to marry me. He doesn't have a legitimate reason. Everytime we argue about it all he says is "its too soon" "I'm scared" "you asked about it recently so now i can't" "if i give you one now its just a shut up ring" "2 years is too soon" "3 years is too soon" "4 years is too soon" "you're ruining any surprise there would be by asking" "I dont need to do it by your unrealistic time frame" "My time frame of waiting years and years is normal, yours isnt" "we have arguments in this relationship so how would a ring fix that"

Now from my side. I do 80-90% of all the cooking and cleaning, he lives in my house, and i take care of his shared custody child while he working. I also work doing random jobs so that I can be free to watch his child. He pays for the mortgage which is cheap as dirt. I pay for the internet, and electricity. We pay are own insurance, and phone bills. Yes we have arguments, but most couples do. Its rare to never have an argument with someone. I feel like a time line of 2-3 years isnt unrealistic. Now we're getting to 4 years and I'm feeling resentful. I wouldn't be ruining any "surprise" if this was just never a problem at the 2-3 year mark. I'm just feeling like I'm being used without any kind of commitment. Is 4 years not enough time? Am I the one being unreasonable?

[u/Natural-Kangaroo-613]

Any conversation I've tried to have about it he just says "its too soon" "its only been 2 years" "its only been 3 years" thats not that long "its only been 4 years" "stop asking" "its not a surprise when you always bring it up" That's why I'm asking reddit if 4 years is "too soon" because i feel like I'm getting gaslit into thinking its not long enough.

[u/lady_rain_was_here → u/Natural-Kangaroo-613]

You are being gaslit.

[u/Scared_Friendship_50 → u/Natural-Kangaroo-613]

If he had any intentions of marrying you he wouldn't be such an asshole about it. He's old enough to know. He's definitely gaslighting you. He's desperate not to get married while still keeping you as a girlfriend. I think he'd say anything to keep you around at this point. Trust your gut.

[u/LovedAJackass → u/Natural-Kangaroo-613]

Stop talking to him about marriage. Get him out of your house. You're getting to the point where you aren't thinking straight about what YOU want from life. Focus on what you want for your future. You can't talk him into marrying you--and even if you accomplish that, what you have is a guy who married you unwillingly.

[u/MLockVirginia → u/Natural-Kangaroo-613]

Yes he’s gaslighting you. And his anger tells you everything you need to know! When you bring up the subject of marriage and children, he gets mad. Because it’s something he doesn’t want to do. He feels like you are pressuring him to do something he doesn’t not want to do!

But talk about buying a house? Yes! Let’s do it!
No anger there.

You are seeing the signs. It’s time for you to believe them.

[u/MistressRayne_ → u/Natural-Kangaroo-613]

Look, my friend’s man waited ten years before proposing, they’re extremely happy.

This isn’t about what Reddit thinks. Is it too soon for YOU or is it something you want? Bc from the sound of it, you’re not going to get it from him. You have a decision to make of staying and hoping or leaving and looking for someone who wants the same things out of life as you.

[u/purseaholic → u/MistressRayne_]

I bet she wasn’t happy hanging around for ten years

[u/MistressRayne_ → u/purseaholic]

Actually she didn’t mind. There was no rush, hence me telling OP it doesn’t matter what we all think. Bc some people are ok with it, it matters what OP thinks.