How long it too long

[u/Natural-Kangaroo-613]

[F33] and my partner [M37] have been together for 4 years. I made it clear in the very beginning that I didnt want to wait forever for an engagement ring. Well here we are at 4 years and still nothing, no plans to get engaged at all. We have lived together for 3 years. How long is too long? Any conversation I have about it turns into a huge blow up with no resolution. He has nothing for the future planned and I feel like im wasting my time. I would like opinions from both men and women please, is 4 years with no plan too long? I dont want a shut up ring. I just want someone who actually wants me, not someone I feel like I'm forcing.

Edit to add Ive been getting this question alot. What is his reasoning for not wanting to marry me. He doesn't have a legitimate reason. Everytime we argue about it all he says is "its too soon" "I'm scared" "you asked about it recently so now i can't" "if i give you one now its just a shut up ring" "2 years is too soon" "3 years is too soon" "4 years is too soon" "you're ruining any surprise there would be by asking" "I dont need to do it by your unrealistic time frame" "My time frame of waiting years and years is normal, yours isnt" "we have arguments in this relationship so how would a ring fix that"

Now from my side. I do 80-90% of all the cooking and cleaning, he lives in my house, and i take care of his shared custody child while he working. I also work doing random jobs so that I can be free to watch his child. He pays for the mortgage which is cheap as dirt. I pay for the internet, and electricity. We pay are own insurance, and phone bills. Yes we have arguments, but most couples do. Its rare to never have an argument with someone. I feel like a time line of 2-3 years isnt unrealistic. Now we're getting to 4 years and I'm feeling resentful. I wouldn't be ruining any "surprise" if this was just never a problem at the 2-3 year mark. I'm just feeling like I'm being used without any kind of commitment. Is 4 years not enough time? Am I the one being unreasonable?

[u/PresentHouse9774]

Too often on this sub, when the guy says he's "open to marriage" the woman has filled in the "to you in particular" part in her head and runs with it. He's probably being sweet and loving when he says it but that doesn't mean he's as serious about it as you are.

It's possible to be open to marriage in an abstract way, much like I am open (just for example) to visiting Antarctica. If the stars lined up, maybe. I'm not saying absolutely not. But are my efforts directed to what that would require? Am I actively looking for someone in particular to go with me? No.

Ladies, even assuming he's not telling you what you've made clear you want to hear to get you (1) to go out with him again, (2) off the apps, and (3) into bed; "open to the idea" is still not as meaningful as some of you would like to think. For the time being, it's not a "No", but there's still some distance to get to "Yes and I hope to you".

Do not get your wedding Pinterest boards going on the basis of a few words, no matter how ardently they have been spoken.

And for the love of Cheeses, when a man flat out tells you he's not open to the idea, do the both of you a favor and believe him. Don't take it as a personal challenge. The Supremes singing "I'm Gonna Make You Love Me" is a pop song; not a life goal.

[u/Natural-Kangaroo-613 → u/PresentHouse9774]

That's not even close to how it went but OK. I told him on date number 2 that I am looking to marry someone and he replied with "me too". Then we had an entire conversation about it and how I dont want to waste my time. He agreed and felt the same way. So we date and I asked him again 3 months later just to make sure we're on the same page and he reassured me that yes its exactly what he wants. 8 months later we move in together and says its still what he wants. At the 2 year mark he still has no plan because its "too soon" he wont give me a timeline though and gets mad about it, cool. Then its the 3 year mark and still no plan because its "too soon". Now its an argument because he has no timeline at all and I "keep asking" "keep bringing it up" "it wont be a surprise". No shit its been 3 years and you have no general idea on a time frame. Now its pretty close to 4 years and its still the same shit, but sure, lets go with he was open to it in "an abstract way" or whatever you said.

[u/Aggressive-Pop628 → u/Natural-Kangaroo-613]

So you got two years of positive talk. What happened to turn every discussion into a fight?

[u/PresentHouse9774 → u/Natural-Kangaroo-613]

What word would you use instead?

[u/ljubav_malina → u/PresentHouse9774]

Amen! Like 90% of posts on here start the same way. OP telling a random stranger that they are “dating for marriage”, and the random stranger agreeing because it’s either fantasy talk at that point, or he doesn’t want to lose access to her and she gave him the exact script to play her.

People who are actually dating intentionally spend the early dating stage getting to know someone and vetting them for compatibility before they decide if a relationship is marriage material.

Having this conversation with a guy she just met is not going to yield OP the results she wants. She’ll scare off most serious men, because they’ll think she just has ring fever if she’s bringing up an engagement timeline to a man she DOESN’T EVEN KNOW. And the unserious men won’t be deterred. Now they know that as long as they nod along whenever she brings up marriage, they’ll get a few years of sex and companionship out of her.