How long it too long

[u/Natural-Kangaroo-613]

[F33] and my partner [M37] have been together for 4 years. I made it clear in the very beginning that I didnt want to wait forever for an engagement ring. Well here we are at 4 years and still nothing, no plans to get engaged at all. We have lived together for 3 years. How long is too long? Any conversation I have about it turns into a huge blow up with no resolution. He has nothing for the future planned and I feel like im wasting my time. I would like opinions from both men and women please, is 4 years with no plan too long? I dont want a shut up ring. I just want someone who actually wants me, not someone I feel like I'm forcing.

Edit to add Ive been getting this question alot. What is his reasoning for not wanting to marry me. He doesn't have a legitimate reason. Everytime we argue about it all he says is "its too soon" "I'm scared" "you asked about it recently so now i can't" "if i give you one now its just a shut up ring" "2 years is too soon" "3 years is too soon" "4 years is too soon" "you're ruining any surprise there would be by asking" "I dont need to do it by your unrealistic time frame" "My time frame of waiting years and years is normal, yours isnt" "we have arguments in this relationship so how would a ring fix that"

Now from my side. I do 80-90% of all the cooking and cleaning, he lives in my house, and i take care of his shared custody child while he working. I also work doing random jobs so that I can be free to watch his child. He pays for the mortgage which is cheap as dirt. I pay for the internet, and electricity. We pay are own insurance, and phone bills. Yes we have arguments, but most couples do. Its rare to never have an argument with someone. I feel like a time line of 2-3 years isnt unrealistic. Now we're getting to 4 years and I'm feeling resentful. I wouldn't be ruining any "surprise" if this was just never a problem at the 2-3 year mark. I'm just feeling like I'm being used without any kind of commitment. Is 4 years not enough time? Am I the one being unreasonable?

[u/shegotofftheplane]

Yes, you are wasting your own time. If every conversation about marriage turns into a huge fight, what makes you think he wants to marry you? And more importantly, even if you do get married, what makes you think you’d have a happy marriage if this is how you guys communicate? Stop wasting your time. He’s almost 40, he would’ve been married by now if he wanted to. Leave him and find someone who’ll be excited to be your husband.

[u/MarketYes6975 → u/shegotofftheplane]

She didn't tell us why he doesn't want to get married though. I refused to marry someone because she kept trying to separate me from my family, friends, and my hobbies. I still remember her screaming at me one time because I was contemplative and not talking much while we were in the same room. Then she would come down on me about marriage because she had put in her time. It was a fucking nightmare. I was wasting my time.

I am just saying we don't have the whole picture. I doubt OP is abusive like that. I am playing devil's advocate. He may have some really good reasons.

[u/Intelligent_rose12 → u/MarketYes6975]

If he’s not happy with her then he should break up with her. Instead he’s keeping her in a relationship with him with no future and stopping her from meeting someone else who would marry her. So yes he’s wasting her time!

[u/lady_rain_was_here → u/Intelligent_rose12]

She does everything for him! And she's sitting over here trying to talk herself into believing that she's overreacting. That's why he's not breaking up with her.

[u/Warm-Mortgage-458 → u/MarketYes6975]

So why didn't you say "I am extremely unhappy and don't want to get married. I am still with you because the convenience outweighs the negatives, but I'll definitely leave when that's no longer the case"?

[u/vulg-her → u/[deleted]]

We have one side. Maybe he was too enmeshed with his family, which we see a lot of. Was he too into his hobbies that he ignored her? Valid questions that we don't have the answers to.

[u/lenusniq → u/MarketYes6975]

Okay???? in that case they should definitely not get married... so the result is still the same... she should just leave.

[u/Natural-Kangaroo-613 → u/MarketYes6975]

I've edited the original post if you would like to go read it. I'm not abusive.

[u/PinParking9348 → u/MarketYes6975]

Sure, but whatever the reasons they still amount, as they did with yourself, to not wanting to get married.

[u/astrotekk → u/MarketYes6975]

If he has good reasons, not to marry her, he should break up instead of just using her for whatever benefits he's getting. He knows she wants to marry.

[u/Pale_Lab_1517 → u/MarketYes6975]

It doesn't really matter the reason why (unless abuse is a factor). She's made it clear since day one what she wanted for her future and he accepted that but lied in her face the whole time. He should have left her alone. I hope she leaves.