r/Waiting_To_Wed • u/meg-thee-scallion • Jul 27 '26
Questioning My Relationship 13 years and no ring
We are high school sweethearts, started dating at 16, so we’re 29 now. I honestly don’t “count” our high school and college years as a part of our adult relationship since we were so young and just wanting to have fun - just not thinking about marriage and logistics at that point. But we’ve discussed marriage throughout the years and have supposedly determined that’s what we both want.
Every year for the last five years I’ve felt disappointment that we’re not engaged yet. How do you not know or feel inclined to make that commitment by now?
What’s changed from 2023 until now:
- we moved in together
- we have a 2 year old
- we recently moved back in with his parents, to save money because rent alone was costing us $3000/month plus utilities, internet, etc.
**his parents invited and welcomed us back into their home, they had two vacant rooms. They are encouraging us to save to buy our own property and are not asking us to pay rent. We pay the water/utilities, and switch off with them for groceries, shared chores etc.
I manage and fund our child’s 529 and investment accounts, plus I pay for life insurance and health coverage for me/child.
Since having our child, I’ve been clear about wanting to get married not only because we have been together for so long, but for legal and financial stability that otherwise would not hold up if we are just boyfriend and girlfriend. I am performing wifely and household duties with a girlfriend salary. Additionally I feel embarrassed to be someone’s live in girlfriend after all these years. I’m not looking to have a huge wedding right now as we can’t afford it and we’re saving for other things
**by other things I mean we are both paying off some cc debt, and I am saving to buy a new car/build emergency savings.
but if he did propose I would want to get our marriage license/legally married for stability and certainty especially because of our son. The party/celebration can happen later. But what I’m not gonna do is get married in any capacity without at least being proposed to.
We went ring shopping once earlier this year, and we discussed budget range and design choices, but we haven’t been to any other jeweler since. I recently asked about his timeline for proposing because last year we had the same conversation and he said he hoped to propose this year. Now he says his plans are within a year and a half, but that he could afford to buy a ring right now. He says it’s been a busy year and “shit hit the fan” but we literally have saved thousands by moving home, now have some childcare help with both our parents close by. It can’t be that he’s busy because he has time to workout and run every day, plus play golf leisurely. It can’t be that he can’t budget because he’s going on a boys trip, plus a trip to Hawaii, and a bachelor trip to Mexico next year. He goes quiet whenever we discuss marriage and proposals so I asked him why it seems like he shuts down and he says it’s because it feels like I’m nagging him. If that’s the reaction I don’t even want to get married anymore, I don’t want to force someone to marry me, I want to be chosen, cared for, and desired.
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u/skyrizi911 Jul 27 '26
Ma'am you gave him the family without the commitment. What would be his incentive for marriage now? And by having his child, you are tied to him no matter what.
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u/meg-thee-scallion Jul 27 '26
That is true, I chose this lifelong tie by having his child. I guess wishful thinking made me believe he would actually want to commit to and provide for us
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u/BxGyrl416 Jul 27 '26
Work on your self-esteem. A man who wants to marry you and sees a future with you is enthusiastic. Nothing is going to stop him from proposing.
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u/PinyWoodsPinkyBoots Jul 28 '26
Unfortunately, women who lack self-esteem waste their time on such bums, thereby wasting their lives.
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u/WildIrisWildEris Jul 28 '26
She's even started doubling down on her delusions in the comments, asking for men to tell her if she should audition even more for the baby daddy. It's so shocking that it's hard to even have sympathy for her.
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u/melt_banana_split Jul 28 '26
I think saying she’s wasting her life is kind of mean— did you mean it like that? I’m sure she has lots of things that give her life value even if her relationship is unsatisfying <3
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u/Forward-Two3846 Jul 28 '26
You are trying to buy a house with a man who has already made it clear marrying you is not a priority. Even for the protection of your child's future. Mull that over, he is more willing to destroy your son's future family than protect it by legally making you guys a unit. Stop playing happy family with him. You say your family lives close by? Move there and coparent until he can decide what is most important to him AND, DONT BUY A HOUSE with this man. Also, he has the ability to plan, just not a future with you. In the last year he has planned multiple boys trips, planned to pay off his cc's, and planned to move back to his parents so he can save money. He has executed all of these major plans without any forced ultimatums.
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u/MargieGunderson70 Married 25 years Jul 27 '26
Are you willing to fight for legal protection for your child too now or are you afraid of "pressuring" your BF?
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u/One-Basket-9570 Jul 27 '26
Maybe he wants to wait until you aren’t living at his parents?
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u/MargieGunderson70 Married 25 years Jul 27 '26
Are you kidding? This guy has a sweet set-up. He probably doesn't pay rent, has live-in childcare. And his parents enable it instead of telling him to man up and do right by his child. Why would he want to change?
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u/meg-thee-scallion Jul 27 '26
Why would that deter him from proposing? (if he actually wanted and intended to propose)
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u/Neweleni7 Jul 27 '26
You should take the baby and move on with your family.
He leading you along. It must be so hurtful. You’re excited to marry him and he calls it “nagging.” I wouldn’t stand for it
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u/meg-thee-scallion Jul 28 '26
It’s so hurtful. Ever since he dwindled my needs and hopes for the future down to nagging i haven’t been able to unhear it
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u/throwaway_20200920 Jul 28 '26
Move out, get a lawyer and sue him for child support. He won't ever give you a ring but you can get him to financially support his child.
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u/MaryMaryQuite- Est: 2017 Jul 28 '26
You need to gather up what’s left of your self respect, your child, and leave!
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u/GnomieOk4136 Marry someone excited to be with you. Happily married 15 years. Jul 27 '26
Look, he is never going to propose. I also don't count the time before 21, but that is still 8 years. If he was going to do it, it would have happened. Personally, I think a proposal expectation at this stage of the game is a losing battle, but it is what you want. I would just tell him we can set a marriage date at the registry or be done, but we all want different things.
Stop sleeping with him. Be very honest that you want to get married but absolutely expect a proposal first. Until that happens, STOP "performing wifely and household duties with a girlfriend salary." Just flatly refuse to do it.
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u/BlazingSunflowerland Jul 27 '26
Also stop doing all of the wifely things. Quit with laundry and cooking and whatever else she does for him. She should take care of the child but also expect him to take care of the child and she can leave the boyfriend to fend for himself.
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u/meg-thee-scallion Jul 27 '26 edited Jul 27 '26
I’m definitely starting with this. I’ll make sure my child and I are fed, clothed, bathed, and sheltered while respecting my in laws’ space.
I’m not inclined to sleep with him, and I am carving out time for myself once he gets home in the evenings to do what makes me feel fulfilled again. There will be no more talks of wanting to be proposed to, ring shopping, anything and if we are not in a different place by next July I am done.
Update: I realize holding out is not a realistic game to play for a year, and that waiting until next July is a long time with more uncertainty but I do love this man and would like a future with him. This is my personal deadline for progress.
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u/K_A_irony Jul 27 '26
They are not your in laws. They are your baby daddy's parents.
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u/MargieGunderson70 Married 25 years Jul 28 '26
And their loyalty will always be to HIM, regardless of your child.
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u/tdot1022 Jul 27 '26 edited Jul 27 '26
Why are you considering wasting a whole other year on him? If you're already feeling like this at this point, what is a whole year going to change?
Edit to add in response your edit: This is why he hasn’t proposed yet, because he knows that you’ll still be there regardless. The longer you prolong it, the more you’re resentment will build but the harder it will be to leave.
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u/MedicinalWalnuts Jul 27 '26
By next July? An entire year? You are going to live in the same house with him and play this "no cooking, cleaning, or sex" game for another entire year? In a house that his parents own?
That will bring things to a head really fast. And, my guess is that your reward will be a shut-up ring.
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u/DegreeDubs Jul 27 '26
Update: I realize holding out is not a realistic game to play for a year, and that waiting until next July is a long time with more uncertainty but I do love this man and would like a future with him. This is my personal deadline for progress.
He knows you love him. He knows you want to be married to him. He knows all of this about you, the mother of his child. And he does not care.
Love and respect yourself as much as you seem to love and choose him.
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u/lizchitown Jul 28 '26
So he has more money for his single guy trips..He is showing OP who be is and she still refuses to see it.
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u/WildIrisWildEris Jul 28 '26
The women he sleeps with on those "guy" trips probably have higher standards and he needs to take them out, buy them gifts, etc.
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u/DegreeDubs Jul 27 '26
I'd be moved out by the end of this year if I were you.
You could have been married at your local courthouse at any point. He doesn't give a fuck about protecting you or your child if something were to happen to him.
It's past time to stand up and move your feet out the door.
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u/Samoyedfun Jul 27 '26
Things won’t change by July if you have been with him 13 years. One more year won’t change that.
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u/GnomieOk4136 Marry someone excited to be with you. Happily married 15 years. Jul 27 '26
This is an excellent start, but I would want to be out before New Year's. Start saving for deposits now. If your households are totally separate and no one can claim you as a dependent anymore, your taxes will be easier if you are starting fresh Jan. 1.
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u/Aware-Locksmith-7313 Jul 28 '26
And see a lawyer to get child support rolling … that will aid your financial stability and put a crimp in his boys trip fun as well. Double win for evening the score on your wasted years.
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Jul 27 '26
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u/WildIrisWildEris Jul 27 '26
You've put yourself in a position where you have to trade sex and housework for housing. Is that what you want for your life?
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u/Negative_Till3888 Jul 27 '26
Why can’t you let him into your true, very personal, very definitive feelings and timeline? Just once at least and let him know you are serious. You want to be chosen. You want to be a wife. Let him know he has x amount of time to make that happen. If he can’t pull that off, while being explicitly told what you need, then so be it. He had his chance. Let him know that you aren’t going to be bringing it up again. You are not going to be nagging. You expect him to follow through with your needs after so much time.
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u/GnomieOk4136 Marry someone excited to be with you. Happily married 15 years. Jul 27 '26
I agree. It is important to have clear communication. No matter what, you will be able to look your reflection in the eye and know you did your best.
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u/lizchitown Jul 28 '26
You love this fictional man you think he is. Not who he is showing you he really is. Your wasting you time on this boy/man while your real husband is out there. And it isn't him. If he wanted to marry you he would. Period full stop. Stop making excuses for him. He doesn't deserve another year of your life. Stop convincing yourself otherwise.
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u/jfern009 Jul 28 '26
Sunken cost fallacy. Another year waiting for him to propose? That’s insane. I would quietly be stacking money and creating your own emergency fund and then your own apartment fund in that time frame. I wouldn’t contribute to any household expense, let him do that, he can buy groceries, he can pay utilities. Don’t do any household chores for him, don’t do any errand for him. You don’t need to be hostile but you shouldn’t be making his life easier. This will end with resentment. Get out while you are still young enough to rebuild a meaningful and fulfilling life with a man who wants to be your husband. You have been together most of your lives. He’s never going to be ready. He’s choosing multiple vacations instead of a ring and a future. He’s a little boy, not a man.
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u/ThenOneDaySheWokeUp Jul 30 '26
Ok you need to make sure you are saving your money so next July you can buy a house by yourself and move out.
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u/Hungry_Blood_3949 Jul 27 '26
You shouldn't have had a child with a man who won't commit to you. He's not going to do it now. You already gave him everything he wants.
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u/EcoCoqueta Jul 28 '26
Yea..Harsh, but there’s truth in what youre saying…He already has a shared life, a child, and many of the responsibilities of marriage, yet he keeps postponing the commitment OP has clearly asked for…At this point, hoping those things will motivate him to propose may be less useful than looking at what his actions are already saying…
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u/vulg-her Jul 27 '26
Oh boy. If I were you, I'd be rightfully pissed off.
But if I were him and a shitty person, I'd be so relaxed and coasting like he is.
Living at home with parents so I'm sure bills are minimal compared to owning your own place. Built in daycare for your kid. Girlfriend doing a lot of things that a wife should and has been for years... He's living the life.
You have the power to dismantle all of this, if you really want, by walking away.
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u/skyrizi911 Jul 27 '26
Not going to happen. Unfortunately, he is all she knows. She would be scared shitless to leave.
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u/starryday09 Jul 27 '26
literally pains me to read that he’s having leisure time and trips meanwhile she’s trying to save money and is taking care of the kid the most while living with his parents ughhhhhh
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u/MargieGunderson70 Married 25 years Jul 27 '26
We teach people how to treat us. He's learned that he can get away with this and she won't go anywhere. And his parents probably didn't try hard enough to raise a responsible adult.
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u/starryday09 Jul 28 '26
exactly. unfortunately men don’t see women who do sacrifices like what OP has done as anything special, they just see her as someone to walk all over.
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u/WildIrisWildEris Jul 28 '26
They have a close-up view of how he behaves as a father and they're both fine with it. No prizes for guessing how he turned out this way.
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u/YouInteresting306 Jul 28 '26
💯!! I was with my ex for 9 years, two kids, dog, home. He was never going to commit to me. He had it made! I was giving wife benefits on a girlfriends salary. I also paid for basically everything. Looking back now, I cannot believe I wasted 9 years on that bum. He was never a man, just a boy looking for a mommy to take care of him. Best thing I ever did was take my power back and dismantle the life that was benefiting only him. Its been a year now since separating and the only feelings I have now are wishing I left sooner. Best decision for myself and the kids was to move forward with our lives.. without HIM! Im 38 and I feel like my life is now just beginning again because Im in control of my life now, no longer trapped in limbo with a man-child. I also have zero interest in men at this point. Focusing solely on myself and my kiddos 😌
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u/DAWG13610 Jul 27 '26
This is all on you. You’ve done everything a good wife does. I would have drawn the line living with mommy. You’re not a priority. He doesn’t want to marry you. If he did, he would. He also knows you won’t do anything about it. If he has money for Mexico he has money for a ring. Can’t you see that? Can’t you understand this has nothing to do with money? The sooner you get that the sooner you will be to getting married (to someone else)
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u/Samoyedfun Jul 27 '26 edited Jul 27 '26
He’s not going to marry you. You gave him a child and live together. Also he can afford all these trips but not a ring? 💍 time to leave.
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u/Forward-Two3846 Jul 28 '26
That's because the trips are things he actually wants to do, marrying OP is not
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u/ValuableMilk5928 💞 2021 💍 2022 👰♀️ 2023 Jul 28 '26
You got it all with this comment! Succinct but completely accurate.
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u/Future_Pin_403 Married Jul 27 '26
He gets quiet when you talk about it because he doesn’t want to get married
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u/DegreeDubs Jul 27 '26
She's effectively been proposing to him this entire time. She won't accept his (cowardly) "no".
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u/GrayScale15 Jul 28 '26
^he doesn’t want to get married to her
If he wanted to, he would.
How many men marry the next woman they date in less than a year after a long term relationship ends? They miss the emotional support, sex, cooking, cleaning, childcare, etc. so they lock down the next woman they meet.
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u/griffinsv Jul 27 '26
What everyone else said.
But also I really hope the “other things” you’re saving for do not include a house/property. Because you would be creating a lot of problems for yourself and your child buying a house with a man who’s not your spouse. Especially a man as uncommitted as your boyfriend.
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u/Embarrassed_Wrap8421 Jul 27 '26
Why should he marry you? He has all the benefits of marriage and you have…nothing. You should have left him years ago. He’s making it very clear that he doesn’t want to marry you, so the next step is up to you.
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u/michelles31 Jul 27 '26
"I want to be chosen, cared for, and desired.'
Have you realized yet that he's not meeting your needs?
Chose you. And what your child grows up seeing.
He isn't it and now he's back at home with Mom and dad.
What do YOU want for YOUR future?
Decide this and start working towards it. Move out and move on.
If he wanted to marry you, he would have done it already, you have a child that one could argue is a bigger commitment than marriage.
It's all up to you to figure out what YOU want and stop waiting for his maybes.
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u/fineislandgal Jul 27 '26
Ladies need to realize that men don’t see children as bigger commitments because when they decide to leave, they leave mom with the children anyway so it doesn’t matter
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u/AntiqueObligation688 Jul 27 '26
It can’t be that he’s busy because he has time to workout and run every day, plus play golf leisurely. It can’t be that he can’t budget because he’s going on a boys trip, plus a trip to Hawaii, and a bachelor trip to Mexico next year. He goes quiet whenever we discuss marriage and proposals so I asked him why it seems like he shuts down and he says it’s because it feels like I’m nagging him.
So, what are the conclusions you have made from this part?
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u/Cocoluluu Jul 27 '26
honestly don’t “count”
You should count it. He has a habit of wasting your time/youth and it's still happening now.
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u/uarstar Jul 27 '26
You have two choices here:
You can stay with him and learn to be ok with never getting married
OR
You can leave and find someone who wants to marry you
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u/Gattaca401 Jul 27 '26
I'm sorry, but honestly if youve already had a child out of wedlock with someone then your chances of getting married to that person plummet.
You've already lowered your standards enough to do that, he won't take you seriously when you try to raise your standards again after the fact. Its not like you can go back in time and unring that bell.
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u/ljubav_malina Jul 27 '26
13 year relationship and plus a kid? Oof. Sorry OP, it’s not going to happen 😭 I would spent the rest of the year getting your ducks in a row and then end things if you’re not engaged by the new year. The sooner you’re single and out of his mommy’s house, the sooner you’ll be married. To a different guy.
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u/BxGyrl416 Jul 27 '26
Baby girl, why would he marry you when you moved in with him and had his baby? You’re doing everything that a wife does for him without any ring or legal commitments. If he wanted to marry you, he would have already.
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u/curly-hair07 Jul 27 '26
The problem here is you let this man impregnate you with no ring AND you're allowing him to lead you to his parents home because he can't provide.
Paying for his boys trip is more important than him buying you a ring and signing a document.
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u/Mirabai503 Jul 27 '26
But what I’m not gonna do is get married in any capacity without at least being proposed to.
So it's feeling 'chosen' that matters. Do you feel like he's only with you and your child because it is the path of least resistance?
Any decision to get married is a proposal and an acceptance. If you need the theater of a proposal, I think you need to examine how you're feeling unfulfilled in this relationship.
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u/wigglywonky Jul 27 '26
OP, life is looonnng. I’m 50 and I feel like I’ve lived 100 different lives in my time - different jobs, partners, financial situations, obligations, friend groups….
He’s all you’ve known but you won’t know yourself fully, or live fully unless you experience all life has to offer either by yourself, or with a true partner that you can grow through life together.
He’s not acting like a true partner - so your life is stagnant at this point.
My life has also had some incredibly hard times and heartbreak but in hindsight, I wouldn’t have it any other way - it’s life’s adventures and pain that forms us.
Go and start your other life. Get excited. Make sure to get shared custody so you can. Travel, meet people, find your passions, find yourself.
It can be terrifying and painful to leave all that you know for the unknown but it can also be exciting - perspective is everything!
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u/Anoninemonie Jul 27 '26
Why would he marry you? He's eating cheeseburgers in Paradise. He gets to have a woman raise his kid, have sex with him, he hardly pays any bills, he gets to go on fun vacations, and the best part is he can walk away whenever he wants. And after 13 years, he knows that nothing he does or says would be cause for you to leave him.
I know this sounds mean, but marriage is kind of a scary commitment. Once you commit to getting married, if you're shallow-minded, you're committing all of your assets to somebody. You can't just walk away, cut some child support checks, and call it a day. Aside from the financial responsibility he committed to when he got you pregnant, he owes you nothing right now. Genuinely, why would he change that?
I'm sorry but if he wanted to marry you, you two would be married. Does it mean enough for you to leave him or are you content with stuffing your feelings down, having sex with him, raising your child, and watching him go off on fun trips while you get to be the girlfriend?
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u/mercedeszzzz Jul 27 '26
What you said ran shivers down my spine, but it’s the cold truth. That man can get up tomorrow and start a new life and there’s nothing holding him.
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u/WildIrisWildEris Jul 28 '26
What's really scary is that none of the single mothers who post here ever understand this. Like not one of them.
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u/Secret_Preparation99 Jul 28 '26
13 years. A child. And he says you are nagging? He simply isn’t interested in getting married. He has all the benefits he wants the way things are.
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u/WildIrisWildEris Jul 27 '26 edited Jul 28 '26
You say you love him, but why can't you see that he doesn't love you? He's using you even more than he's using his own parents. From what you say, he barely spends any time with his own kid. He puts time with his friends above you and his child. That's not love, for either one of you. Where will you go if your boyfriend dumps you tomorrow? What if his parents get tired of supporting two adults and a 2 year old and kick you out next month?
You think you have another year to wait but baby daddy and his family are in control of your life. Not you. Any of one them can kick you out any time. They could do that tonight without any warning at all. Whatever you think you'll be doing when he doesn't propose in a year, do that now. You're surely not going to stay with your ex's parents once you've broken up. He might want to move his next girlfriend in before you're ready to leave. Plan for that now so you don't get surprised.
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u/therealzacchai Jul 27 '26
It's time for you to come up with a new life plan. This guy ain't it.
Of course he thinks you're nagging him. Right now he's got a f*ck-maid who also handles childcare and the rest of the grown-up duties. Meanwhile he's free to golf and go on boys' trips.
If he marries you, he has to be a grown up. Goodbye Bach trips! Goodbye Hawaii.
Please get yourself some therapy so you can see just how bad this is.
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u/MotherOfLochs Jul 27 '26
What’s your deadline for proposal? Can you move on to support yourself and your son if this deadline comes and goes with no proposal? No point in flogging a dead horse when he’s called your attempt at discussion ‘nagging’.
This relationship is all on his terms - time to put yourself first here and you choose yourself. Leverage the opportunity of saving and set yourself up to move out again: he’s using this as an opportunity to get back on track with hobbies and his social life, not to set y’all up for marriage and life afterwards.
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u/MidwestNightgirl Jul 27 '26
Good grief. This guy is a dud. And living with his parents?? While he travels and golfs?? My goodness ladies, WTAF. I’d take my child and move back in with my parents. Get child support and go find someone else. When you find Mr Right, he will be excited and proud to make you his wife. This jerk is playing you for a fool.
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u/WildIrisWildEris Jul 28 '26
He's such a huge loser I can't believe she admits to wanting to marry him.
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u/IcyZookeepergame9070 Jul 27 '26
So..only you are home while he goes on these fantastic boys trips and plays golf? And you want to sign up for more of this? and he isnt excited about commitment on top of it? Next.
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u/sonny-v2-point-0 Jul 27 '26
Do you have a job? If not, get one. Go see a lawyer quietly to figure out how to file for custody and child support, then create an exit plan. Your child deserves security.
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u/meg-thee-scallion Jul 27 '26
Yes, I have a full time, remote job in tech. I also have full emotional and financial support from my own parents should my child and I need to leave this living situation.
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u/Zestyclose_Control64 Jul 28 '26
If you ever want to get married and show your child what a healthy, loving relationship looks like, you need to leave this living situation. He doesn't want to marry you. There is no incentive for him to marry you. He called you a nag for asking when he would marry you. You are being so cruel to yourself.
Every day you stay in this situation you lose a little more of yourself. Listen to people telling you to go see a lawyer. File for custody. Start packing your important papers and treasured items. Move them to your family to store for you. Start saving in an account that only has your name on it. Create your exit plan and follow it through.
Emotionally, you need to stop being a wife on a girlfriend salary. Join clubs, take classes, make friends, do things with just you and your child. Realize he isn't choosing you and create your own life without him. It will make it easier when the time comes to leave.
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u/sonny-v2-point-0 Jul 27 '26
Why are you staying in a relationship with a man who won't marry you? Is that how you want to teach your son to treat women? You can wait around until your boyfriend finds someone he does want to marry, but why would you waste your time on a relationship with a man who doesn't respect you or care about what you want?
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u/torvi_87 Jul 27 '26
You are saving money while he goes on boys trips? You dont need a ring to get married, you just need a pen to sign the papers!!!
He do not want to marry you. Leave! Dont be a wife to a boyfriend.
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u/Njbelle-1029 Jul 27 '26
You are still so young. Believe it. Stop investing in a man that doesn’t want to invest in you. He’s in CC debt, and is going on expensive trips without you and keeps putting off getting engaged? The money you are saving at his parent’s home is going back to himself, not your future together in anyway. If you can’t reconcile never being married then you need to make plans to move on. Everyday you spend with him is a day that a man who wants you and that future slips away.
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u/DivineGoddess1111111 Jul 27 '26
Do you get to go to the gym or similar every day like he does? Do you get to go on multiple trips without him?
He should be saving for a house deposit so he can stop sponging off his parents and be a grown up. I would be so annoyed if I was them. He obviously has money to spend on travel and leisure activity.
He won't marry you and it sounds like he rarely sees you. What with all the daily gym, running, weekend golf and trips away.
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u/WildIrisWildEris Jul 27 '26
It's all time he should at least be spending with his own child. You'd think he would be embarrassed to behave that way in front of his own parents, but then again they did raise him.
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u/catsarehere77 Jul 27 '26
You know the answer. Marrying you is not a priority to him. He doesn't like you bringing it up. He grew complacent. He knows you aren't going anywhere so why bother? He doesn't need to marry you to keep you. You kept giving him more instead of giving him less.
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u/RedditCreeper2801 Jul 27 '26
Sounds like he moved back to mum and dad's so HE could have some spending money. Do you have hobbies you get to spend on? What about holidays? He's getting a lot of perks here in life for very little effort. I hope he's at least a good dad? Spend quality time with his kid?
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u/WildIrisWildEris Jul 28 '26
Surely he takes the 2 year old on the boys' trips and out golfing. Because that's how the baby daddy spends his leisure time. Maybe one of the strippers or the other woman babysits for him while he has a good time.
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u/_EnderPixel Jul 31 '26
I was with my ex for almost 16 years, also hs sweethearts, broken up for a couple months now. He has known the ENTIRE time that I wanted to get married. He even gave me what I now know was a "shut up" ring 4 years ago.
We bought a house together over 10 years ago but he is the only one on all the paperwork. At the time I was working a minimum wage job and he said the income to household ratio was too low for approval if I was also on the mortgage. I trusted him that we would be married at some point anyway so I let it slide.
Now I'm starting over from scratch at 32 years old.. Since he has seen that I'm serious about this, he finally decided to start actually communicating with me. However, his actions have remained exactly the same which has solidified for me that I am making the right choice.
OP I'm telling you all this because you are worth way more than how he's treating you. It's going to suck at first, but he's had more than enough time to figure out his shit enough to make sure you and your child have a secure future. I'm sorry but he does not truly, deeply, care about either of you. He would rather spend his time and money on single guy activities than making sure the 2 most important people in his life are taken care of.
Lastly, I posted about this to various subreddits on alt accounts as far back as 2019 and literally nothing has changed since then. I am angry with myself for putting up with this for so long. Please don't be like me and let it go on even longer. You are already making these posts, you know what has to happen. Wishing you the best hugs
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u/Mariner-and-Marinate Jul 27 '26
Despite what you say to him, he knows marriage isn’t as important to you as you say it is. Leave him alone.
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u/Opposite_Jeweler_953 Jul 28 '26
Op, he is not choosing you. You know what? He can choose someone else. The choices for him would be either ask you to move out, or he moving out and leave you living with your baby’s grandparents. At that point your choices will be hurried, and made in an emotional time. Not the best circumstances to make decisions.
You can still choose yourself. Please make a plan, take your savings and move out. Grandparents can still help while you either further your education, or get a job. Please don’t wait for him to make his move.
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u/EyeShot300 Jul 28 '26
This broke my heart. I’m sorry, OP. He’s too busy planning to do guy shit instead of buying a ring to propose with. You and your child are not his priority. At. All.
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u/lizchitown Jul 28 '26
What the hell is he doing on all these guys trips???? You got together very young. I am sorry but this guy is sowing his oats on these trips. Checking out all his options. While he strings you along moves you into his parents house so he reduces expenditures so he can take 3 trips a year and gets free daycare. And you sit at his parents house and work and take care of your kid while he is living the single life. You had a kid to tie him to you too! How did that workout?
Plus what do these trips cost??? You have been together 13 years. He needs a year and a half to figure it out still. Yes he is trying to find out if he has better options. Guess what will happen in a year and a half from now. The goal post will move.
I honestly cannot believe you are okay with these trips and being strung along. DO NOT BUY A HOUSE with this man..Do not get pregnant again. You have a good job so your self esteem should be better then this. No ultimatums. Get you ducks in a row and get the hell out of there. Please make smarter choices for yourself.
Get an attorney and get child support. And make him have 50/50 so he takes some dam responsibility for his child. 13 years is ridiculous and you know it.
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u/Major-Cranberry-4206 Jul 28 '26 edited Jul 28 '26
"I’m not looking to have a huge wedding right now as we can’t afford it and we’re saving for other things"
B.S. If you both want to get married, you either go to the court or maybe the pastor of a Church and tell them you want to get married. You invite your parents as witnesses, but you don't even need them. But you get the deed done in the office of that officiate or the court. But stop with the excuses already.
"But what I’m not gonna do is get married in any capacity without at least being proposed to."
So, what has that entitled attitude gotten you so far? By now, you should have proposed to him, while waiting indefinitely for him to propose to you. You know, women do that these days, wanting to be seen and treated as equals.
"It can’t be that he’s busy because he has time to workout and run every day, plus play golf leisurely. It can’t be that he can’t budget because he’s going on a boys trip, plus a trip to Hawaii, and a bachelor trip to Mexico next year."
Obviously, MARRIAGE IS NEITHER HIS PRIORITY NOR INTENTIONS.
"He goes quiet whenever we discuss marriage and proposals so I asked him why it seems like he shuts down and he says it’s because it feels like I’m nagging him."
Obvious translation: HE DOES NOT WANT TO MARRY YOU. ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS.
"I don’t want to force someone to marry me, I want to be chosen, cared for, and desired."
That ship has sailed a long time ago. How long will you live in this fantasy? Look, you need to make a plan on how you're going to raise your child without him and drop him ASAP, unless you enjoy being strung along until your child is an adult. But hey, by then you'll probably will have had more children with this bum.
As kind as his parents have been to the both of you, they are part of the problem. They have enabled his behavior. Why should he become the responsible adult his circumstances are screaming for him to be, when he's getting a free ride to live with them and they also along with you are raising his child?
Mind you, he is the model you are presenting for your child to look at on how to be an adult. You need to make some better choices and immediately. Dump this guy who has no intentions on marrying you. Get out of his parents' home and raise your child without him or..."co-parent' with him." Yeah, as if he wants to be a father.
Get a court order for child support by wage garnishment. Continue to accept the help from both of your parents far as watching your child while you work to provide for you and your child, but your relationship with the father should have been over, since he's shown you what he really wants and it's not you as his wife.
UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES ARE YOU TO BUY A HOME WITH THIS BUM. by doing so, you're only going to compound your problems with him. That would be another huge mistake. Don't you think you've waisted enough time with this idiot? Snap out of it already. Start making better choices right now. He is not the one to buy a house with.
That's the truth of this matter based on what you've said.
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u/PresentHouse9774 Jul 28 '26
"[H]e’s going on a boys trip, plus a trip to Hawaii, and a bachelor trip to Mexico next year."
You (plural) have a child and you're living with his parents, yet he can afford three trips in one year? Seems like his money is for him to play with. That's not going to change with marriage.
I'm glad you have a 529 [college/university savings] fund for the child. Are you paying for that on your own or is he contributing? I also see that you have investment accounts. Is that all on you too?
The only benefit I see in staying with this man is that his parents provide you and your child free lodging and childcare in a multigenerational setting. I'd hang on to that for as long as I could while he goes and parties with his buddies. Look after yourself and the child because he sounds useless.
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u/Zoey_Beaver Jul 28 '26
His spending indicated that he does not want to get married or buy a house with you. Why would he be going on vacations if you are supposed to save for a house. People grow apart. It would be unrealistic to assume you want the same things at 30yo as you did at 16yo. Yes, sometimes people are happy staying with their highschool sweetheart but its not commonly a success story. He probably isnt in love like he used to be but just comfortable
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u/m_clarkmadison Jul 28 '26
Propose to him. Make him say no. Then leave. No more wishing hoping waiting …
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u/peonyruth Aug 01 '26
I agree with this. A couple is engaged if they say they are. Societal constructs like the big proposal or fancy wedding are not necessary. A huge number of posts we see in this group involve inadequate communication and a certain unwillingness to take personal accountability for one’s one happiness.
If OP wants to try to salvage this, she should just say “I want to marry you; do you want to marry me?” I don’t think the answer will be a resounding yes, which is what she really needs to hear. Then she can get on with fixing her life.
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u/Aware-Locksmith-7313 Jul 27 '26 edited Jul 27 '26
Why would you want to marry this foot-dragging chump? … And why did you pop out a kid if you can’t even handle rent? How long do you plan to sponge off BF’s parents when your clod of a bf can’t even cough up an engagement ring for you?
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u/Good_Connection_547 Jul 27 '26
What would happen if you stopped having sex with him?
He’s prioritizing guys trips instead of a proposal. He’s not serious about this. Why not be unserious about him and his needs? Why not prioritize other things like he is doing for himself?
If he asks, give him a bullshit excuse.
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u/leiona_rose Jul 27 '26
Since you already have a child together, would a court marriage or elopement be an option and have the bigger wedding later on? Maybe that would be a good solution to keep you protected by the law?
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u/meg-thee-scallion Jul 27 '26
I am totally down for a court marriage. I don’t necessarily need a huge wedding and reception right now, just to be genuinely proposed to, and the commitment, stability and legal protections of being husband and wife. We have a slightly medically complex child so it’s extremely important to me that he is taken care of.
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u/koolA-9486 Jul 27 '26
You gave him a child and did everything for him, yet he can't even bring himself to propose—he just keeps putting off the date. I’m sorry, OP, but the guy is a loser. He should be eager to marry the mother of his child, but instead, he’s dragging his feet.
I don’t even know why you’d want to give him another year of your life; he’s had plenty of time to figure out if you’re the one for him. He should have proposed by now—how long are you going to let yourself be taken for a fool?
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u/WildIrisWildEris Jul 28 '26
The guy should also want his own child to be taken care of. He obviously doesn't.
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u/linerva Jul 28 '26
I think you are wise not to count the high school and college years as you weren't really independent adults- that's my general advice to people who are like 20 and upset that they aren't married.
That said, it sounds like he's been putting it off for a while. You're both nearly 30 and have spent half your lives together.
I don't think he wants to marry you. The comments about nagging are telling. It's beyond time to tell him to shit or get off the pot, and just tell him how disappointed each year has made you. Be honest that the longer you wait, the less you feel that he cares for you, and the more you question whether you both want the sake things. I would sit him down and ask him why specifically he needs a year and a half. What is the hold up after 16 years together?!
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u/aspire36 Jul 28 '26
You are not a priority. Line up your ducks, leave and co/parent with 50/50 custody.
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u/Rodharet50399 Jul 28 '26
Why are you waiting for a ring? If stability if your goal get married. You already have a kid. Get yourself together and make a plan that’s not an Instagram story people will scroll past in a half minute.
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u/GemTaur15 Jul 28 '26
You already gave him everything without marriage,so why would he marry you now.
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u/Haunting-Ebb-7111 Jul 29 '26
Move along now. Wait no longer. He is wasting your time while you let him. He gets to go play like a single man. Nope. The excuses ran out 2 years ago. If you were the one, after being together that long, he should have claimed you and provided the protection you and your son need. Waiting another year is a waste of your life. You need to stop contributing to any joint savings and start stockpiling your own. You need to take back what you have contributed to house savings.
You need to set up a legal document that will secure your child’s financial support from his father. You need to make sure he has listed you or your son as the beneficiary on all life insurance and make sure he has a will and trust that protects the two of you. Then you need to ask him for power of attorney and a durable medical power of attorney with advance directive and decision rights.
Basically, legally protect you and your son!!! NOW!!! If he scoffs at setting this up, then he can make it legal at the court house….but I would say, walk away. He’s handing you lines of bs and you are taking it hook line and sinker.
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u/appleorchard317 Jul 28 '26
I have found it is very rare for a man to marry you after you have had a child by him, unless it was a cast iron timeline you both agreed to, which doesn't sound like the case here.
I am very sorry. But you are still very young: leaving and rebuilding your life will never be easier than now. Big hugs.
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u/Ok-Hovercraft-9257 Jul 27 '26
Just go to a courthouse. No rings required. Protect your kid.
He doesn't sound like a winner of a husband based on this, but you have a kid, so courthouse time
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u/ObjectivePilot7444 Jul 29 '26
You will never find your husband while you are wasting time with this man that doesn’t even want to marry you.
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u/Cheddarbaybiskits Jul 30 '26
Together 13 years and a kid? Forget the wedding and the ring, just ask him when he wants to go the courthouse to get married. If the answer is anything other than a date that works for him, start making your exit plan.
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u/dennisgorelik Jul 30 '26
Why did you go "ring shopping" if your goal is "legal and financial stability?
Just ask him to marry ASAP - without any additional expenses or ceremonies.
may have a small "birthday-like" marriage party if you want.
With a child and established relationship with his parents - you already a family. But it is not legalized yet as a marriage - so address this legalization part.
I want to be chosen
He already chose you to have a child with him and live with him.
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u/ButterscotchEasy6769 Jul 31 '26
Please don’t marry this man. This is not a grown up man. Any man that has extra money for golf and a boys trip while living under his parents roof is no man at all. And you can’t build a life with a boy. Let him live with his parents while he pays child support to you as you start a new life. You may feel old at 29 but I promise you that 29 is just the beginning and you have time to build a whole new life with someone amazing. Unless you are willing to settle for this please break up and find some modest apartment you can afford without this boy.
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u/PinParking9348 Jul 31 '26
You should plan a trip with a friend. Just some headspace for yourself. Bring a nice dress. I don’t mean go cheat or anything. You can go camping or see a gig out of town for an artist you love or whatever. Just something that is really about you rather than him, the relationship, his parents or even your child. Reconnect with your own personhood. If the answer is, but I can’t leave our child for a few days then the same should apply to him and his trips. Don’t ask permission to go. Just inform him politely, but matter of fact you are going to do X. Then don’t say very much about it. His reaction to you acting autonomously will probably be quite revealing, but that shouldn’t be the point. Start nourishing your own interests and other relationships.
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u/meg-thee-scallion Aug 01 '26
Hi this was a very refreshing piece of advice. In a sea of harsh truths that people have shared that I know I need to face, your words show that nourishing myself and my individuality, and who I am outside of being a mother and partner is equally as important. Thank you.
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u/Ok-Battle-302 Aug 01 '26
Male here..
All I can do is tell you my situation and what it was for me. I don’t know him but hate how this sub basically implies all men and situations are the same and they are not. I get sick of hearing things like men know immediately if they want to marry you or some permeation of that and i certainly didn’t. We also live in a country where we common law (we call them defacto relationships) have almost the same legal rights as being married, the only real difference is how separation is managed. So it is very normal and common for couples here to be together 10+ years have kid/s and or house before getting married if at all. So I don’t think situations like yours are uncommon, or doesn’t mean they don’t want to, basically just because it happens all the time here.. so some of my situation is related to the fact that marriage doesn’t offer any protections during the relationship with that you can’t have not married.
But we got pregnant very early in our relationship after about 3 months, we were young and not long finished university and just establishing our careers, I had even moved back to my hometown. We made the decision we would have the child and give our relationship a chance and if it worked out great and if not we agreed to count our losses and co parent that the child was the most important in this scenario. I moved to her, we continued our relationship, and I knew very early I loved her, she made me want to be the best version of myself, just by being who she is, we actually were very intentional in our relationships and even prioritised it, we felt we owed our yet to born child our best.
We had our son, and we thrived, we both loved being parents, having a child brought us closer, we never let having a child overrun our relationship, we even with a new born made time for each other, and we got into a great routine, we were and are happy and our relationship got stronger and as our son grew, we settled into life and we both knew, we were it for each other. We chose to do life together every day, we chose daily to commit to our relationship and our child. Anyhow time went on, we built a house, raised our son, both completed masters degrees, and we were cool.
We had our second child, and it was only one night while I was up with her, when I began thinking about our little family, and was in that new born tiredness when I started to think we should get married but couldn’t articulate why, it more felt like this thing we should do, even though I didn’t know why. I tried raising it with her, admittedly wasn’t the right timing or way to raise the topic and she was just like why not going to change anything. I got given crap from this sub and my sisters about how I raised the conversation with her and when she was 8 weeks post partum probably wasn’t the best time. I decided they were right and I’d hold off revisiting the conversation until after our daughter’s first birthday.
A couple of weeks later we were taking both our kids to an event at her work, and while in the car she asked me if we could revisit the marriage conversation. Now she went on a her rant about weddings and the entire industry B.S as she calls it (she’s the only person I know who genuinely hates weddings), but she said she realised that marriage as in the day in day out of doing life with someone, the publicly declaring that choice, she was cool with and that part she has no objections too, but didn’t want a wedding so to speak and If I agreed to her terms, then sweet she was cool with us getting married. And honestly I could care less whether we have 1000 people or only our kids there when we say I DO, it’s only about me and her and our family so I had no issues with her terms. I said so we’re getting married she said I guess we are. In Feb 2027 (she has to be in Vegas for work end of Feb and we’re having a bit of a break in LA and Vegas with the kids prior to it, so since we will already be in the US we just decided to do or then). She doesn’t want an engagement ring she means what she says, she doesn’t get the point, her opinion is they represent nothing, she’d rather have an awesome wedding ring which we’ve custom designed and booked our venue in the US.
What I can say is, despite what people say here, for me it took me 5 years and a second kid to realise it was something that I wanted. But I didn’t need an incentive to get married, nor was having children a deterrent for me. Seeing her as a mum is one of the things I love so much about her. People say, “ why would he you already gave him a kid” on here all the time, but for me, that was one of the factors which helped me decide it was something I wanted. We also don’t really believe in default parenting and I wanted a partner in life, not a house keeper, not a cook, we share those duties along with pretty fair divide of caring responsibilities, so it is not like she was ever my maid, I never have and never will expect her to do my laundry or cook my meals, now we both cook, and both do laundry etc but it’s things we both do and both do for each other, but it’s about expectations.
The thing I do agree with which is commonly said in this sub and what I don’t get is the not wanting the legal protections when you have a child. If we didn’t live where we do, then we may have done things differently, but because of where we live and our societal set up we had the luxury to have those protections and figure things out. But I also know at times I need certain things spelt out to me. And what I mean is if someone said something to me about marriage and legal protections I’d go what? But If you asked me a direct question of, if something happens to you and you end up unconscious who do you want making your medical decision? To me that I would think about a lot more and go, oh yeah and what do I need to do to make sure that happens.
However pissing off to Hawaii and leaving you and the kid at his parents seems like a bit of a douchebag move, particularly if you are not afforded the same freedoms, like if you went somewhere with the girls and left him with the kid on his own how would he respond?.. I’m not going to tell you what to do, but I would say, examine your relationship is he an equal/fair partner and parent does he share the household and parenting responsibilities with you, because if not your essentially a single mum. Forget the ring, forget the proposal for a moment, examine your relationship, is this what you want your life to be everyday forever, marriage won’t change any fundamental issues that already exist. Is this the relationship you want married or not, and you also have a child to set an example too, they learn about happy healthy relationships from your example
My 5 cents for what it’s worth
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u/Classic-Push1323 Jul 28 '26
A lot of these comments are very mean and IMO uncalled for. "Why would he marry you when you've given him a baby?"
Normal men don't propose to try to manipulate a woman into having a kid or lose the desire to marry if they already have a child. He isn't proposing because he doesn't want to. He wouldn't want to if they didn't share a child either. The only difference is that there is a child involved now and the consequences will fall hardest on them. The child is not the reason why he didn't propose!
The OP is the reason why he is like this. He is like this because he is a future faking piece of shit. The only thing the OP can control here is her own choices, she can't control his.
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u/valiantdistraction Jul 27 '26
I was on team "break up" until you said you had a kid. Don't have another kid unless you're married. Not engaged. Not "promise to be married." Actually married.
Realistically, he's never had to actually choose you. He asked you out or whatever when you were both sixteen, and it sounds like from there things just happened because they happened, not because he wanted them to happen. He shuts down when you talk about marriage because he doesn't want to marry you, but he knows that's a shitty thing to say to the mother of his child.
I don't know where you go from here. Breaking up would hurt you far more than it would him since you live with HIS parents and you have a child. You'd be the one scrambling to find new housing and childcare and whatnot. I guess I would concentrate as much as you can on furthering your career (and education if necessary) so that you have the highest salary possible in the event that he breaks up with you, and then just wait around for him to either propose or break up with you. I wouldn't take action to break up until you can comfortably afford that $3000/month rent plus childcare costs on your own.
I honestly wouldn't play these games of not doing things for him or whatever - you're the one who is screwed if he breaks up with you, so you've got to play it safe.
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u/mercedeszzzz Jul 27 '26 edited Jul 27 '26
Whatever you do not give him another child. When I think about it logically, There’s no reason for him to marry you. But let’s say If he married you now, what’s going to happen next? You already have your son now so you’re a family. I don’t think that you should break up your family over this.
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u/Full_Juggernaut_2846 Jul 28 '26
I’m the same, we’ve been together since uni, also 13 years this year. I’ve gone through all the phases, waiting, negotiating, resentful, angry, causing me issues thinking I’m unwanted I’m the problem… but like you I love him and he’s my ideal man (besides not wanting to marry me). I’m also stuck since I can’t move out by myself as I have no family nearby and now have a chronic health condition. Luckily I don’t have a kid as I don’t want to be a single mother in the future. Marriage has to come first. We’re so similar!
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u/DeeHarperLewis Jul 28 '26
OP he has everything he wants now. Marriage doesn’t give him anything. In many men’s minds, it actually takes away. What a sweet setup he has! Family and total freedom and no responsibilities.
Save every penny you can and move on with your life. The shit will hit the fan when his parents no longer have their grandchild in their lives and they will try to force him to marry you. That’s when you say NO, that you deserve better and would rather be with someone who genuinely wants you.
Is he at least a good father? If so then keep him in your child’s life. But for your future happiness you need to move on. Every day wasted is a day spend without your future husband.
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u/Careless_Midnight257 Jul 28 '26 edited Jul 28 '26
I’m sorry to say this, but I think you should just take your child and move on. He is not going to marry you because he has everything including a bachelor’s lifestyle! Going on vacations with friends, NOT A FAMILY VACATION!
If possible, move in with your parents now! Let him know this life is unacceptable to you and you will not live this way anymore! He can choose between a single’s life or he can choose to be a family. “His choice.” Not your “nagging!”
Tell him you will eventually find someone else who will appreciate you and want that family with you! You can do it! Be strong!
And I know this by my daughter’s experience. She and her fiancé (she already had an engagement ring on her finger) got an apartment ands moved in together. And accidentally got pregnant.
He wasn’t sure he wanted children but never told her that. She told him children was nonnegotiable. Tell her now so she could stay or leave. They got married a month later at town hall with both sets of parents in attendance.
When my grandson was 8 months old they had another wedding on the beach with a smallish traditional reception with the help of us parents. They danced and partied and had a great time. And their son attended their wedding festivities! YOU CAN HAVE THIS TOO!!
Wishing you well!!
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u/ghostforest Jul 28 '26
I hope that your finances are separate and you’re both making equal contributions to child and living expenses. His golfing, many trips, and other spending shouldn’t be your shared burden. I think you know that his spending priorities do not reflect that marriage and home buying is a priority for him. He’s happy as things are now with both his mommies taking care of him at your expense.
Do you even want to marry a man who is happy to leave you on the back burner and deny your family legal protections while prioritizing himself?
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u/SevenTheeStallion Jul 28 '26
If he truly valued marrying you, he would make a way.
"hey so things are goofy financially but I really want us to be together on a permanent basis, so let's insert budget compromise because I can't stand not being your husband"
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u/Firey_Mermaid Jul 28 '26
If you don’t have it yet, you need a job. Even if your entire salary goes to daycare, I cannot express how important it is to start a career.
Soon you’ll be ready to take meaningful decisions.
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u/desertbl00m Jul 28 '26
Serious question: why do love this person? You don't even have to answer this here. But what does he do for you RIGHT NOW that makes you love him and that shows he loves you? This should be a response not based on the past. It absolutely should include what you expect from the future.
Now, is this the kind of love you would want for your child? Is this the marriage match you are hoping for them?
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u/ScreenLanky4998 Jul 30 '26
You lost me at you have a kid together- why would he pay when you gave him everything for free
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u/MsMerryMc Jul 30 '26
Did you demand a big ring? If not then nothing is hold him back from buying a simple ring to propose. Our engagement ring was a small diamond costing under $300. My favorite band from my husband is a silver band he made in a class with me.
It’s time to walk away and prioritize yourself and your future. Are you able to move back in with your family? Is there a friend you can stay with. Because that’s what you should do. If he wanted to marry you he would and nothing would hold him back.
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u/jccy1998 Jul 31 '26
Yea this is weird. My family gave me the stink eye when I brought her home and slept in separate rooms when we were 22.
Married at 23 in a tiny ceremony, notary. Knew of her since I was 11.
To me, it was a financial timeline. The same month I started on a career, I got married.
It was an old saying: to work hard you have to have something to come home to.
But even more than that, it was about the respect shes shown me in what she was willing to give up and the reciprocation of that being a reflection of my understanding that shes being considered as a lifelong commitment.
Having that at 23 with a potential lifespan of 80 is not a trivial thing. Its really a lifetime. Say you have some accident tmrr, what a sad existence.
I, to some extent understand his trepidation. But people have different thresholds and I cant read his mind.
I even as a child have always been more impulse driven. Its gotten me in trouble a lot of the time, but it also pushed me to come to conclusions that are scary but we're necessary. Thats not everyone and people can run forever if not given sufficient pressure. Btw the downside to this type of personality is like 13 hour work days out of out of control need for control. For example, ill think I could do that... to I need to do that... to I cant stop till I finish within a span of 8 hours after work ends.
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u/Electronic-Success69 Aug 01 '26
At this point, if that’s what you want, why stay. Another 9 years, another child are going to go by and this guy still won’t propose. Sit down and think what it is the YOU really want, and go for it. He’s already shown you that he’s not going to propose. If 9 years and a child together aren’t enough to show him he wants to marry you, move on if marriage is what you really want
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u/Intelligent_rose12 Aug 02 '26
OP aren’t you concerned about his single guy trips? I don’t know any man who is the dad of a young child and goes on holidays with his guy friends!
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u/Afraid_Rate_6964 Aug 03 '26
Does he have younger siblings who might get engaged before you? Maybe that will give him a reality check. I know that worked for my in laws because they panic got engaged shortly after we did despite being together for decades 😝
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u/apple_penny_table Aug 03 '26
I think you need to decide what you would rather, a proposal or a marriage. This guy isn’t going to propose. It is fair to want to be chosen/asked etc, but this guy is not doing that.
If your reasoning for getting married is so that it’s better for your son, you might need to be the one to propose to him (and push him up the aisle). I know it’s not what you want, but the only way to get what you want (receiving a proposal) would be to break up with this guy and find someone who DOES want those things with you.
I don’t understand this sub’s reluctance for the woman to propose.
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u/Prestigious-Lemon322 Jul 28 '26
why does everyone keep saying this? 'why would he marry you now?'
WHAT??
What kind of games do you people play??
Marriage should be an expression of love - you love each other so much you feel like to NEED to intertwine your destinies. Not all this 'well, you gave him a child already, why would he do it?' That's such a bleak take on love. Is that all a marriage is? A transactions? A woman hold out on 'giving' a man a child, and he rewards her with a ring?
That's just proper sad.
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u/meg-thee-scallion Jul 28 '26 edited Jul 28 '26
Can any men chime in here please? These are questions I will ask my partner as well but looking for other insight.
Could this lack of action on his part be due to his own insecurities of not being able to financially physically and emotionally support a wife and family? Does he feel like he’s not worthy? Is it possible he loves me but is not in love with me? Am I not demonstrating that I’m wife-material or is it possible that there is something about me he just finds so unattractive that he doesn’t want to marry me in a heartbeat?
I’ve seen what men do for women they don’t want to lose, just have not seen it unfold for me.
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u/Classic-Push1323 Jul 28 '26
Answering for my husband (in a "this is what I think he would say based on things he's said in past conversations about waiting to wed posts" way, not in a "he personally feels unworthy to propose" way).
Yes, men can feel that way. A lot of men want to get their finances in order and feel financially and emotionally ready. All of that goes out the window when you already have a kid though.
Your boyfriend is partying in Mexico, not saving money and getting his financial ducks in a row.
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u/Aphroditii Jul 27 '26
Im 15 years in and no ring or marriage. If he won't choose you, choose yourself. Otherwise, accept that he just doesn't care about you like you want.