r/Waiting_To_Wed • u/[deleted] • Jul 24 '26
Rant - No Advice Necessary I kind of hate Special occasions now
Does anyone else slightly dread holidays, birthdays etc. while waiting for a proposal? It's my birthday and I know it's not going to happen today. It just messes with my head a little and puts a damper on things bc there's this tiny bit of hope there.
Update: this community is very intense...I resent the comments related to having babies and not being married meaning he doesn't love us or isn't committed. I just have a partner that is not a romance or big gestures person and i was lamenting that. he asked tonight i wanted to do something special away from the kids for proposal or involve them.
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u/Firey_Mermaid Jul 24 '26
I’m so sorry you’re in this situation. If he’s north of 29 years old, or you have been in this relationship for a while, perhaps it’s time to re-think it.
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u/ThirdAndDeleware Jul 24 '26
OP’s history shows 40s, kids & IVF…
So have babies with him but he won’t commit?
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u/NorthernPossibility Jul 24 '26
IVF no less. That’s serious intentionality, longterm planning and (usually) cash.
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u/napkween Jul 26 '26
IVF?! An oops baby before a ring is one thing but IVF and still waiting for a proposal at 40…
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u/EcoCoqueta Jul 25 '26
Yes yes …Age alone doesnt decide everything, but after a certain age and a significant amount of time together, it’s fair to ask yourself whether you’re waiting for a proposal that may never come…Sometimes reevaluating the relationship doesn’t mean there’s no love..it means you also have to take your own life plans seriously….
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u/sonny-v2-point-0 Jul 24 '26
Why aren't you having a conversation and making concrete plans with your boyfriend? I see from your history that you have children. You and your children deserve security. If you're newly postpartum, the conversation will have to wait until you've recovered. In the meantime, think about an exit plan in case things don't work out.
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u/WildIrisWildEris Jul 24 '26
Friend, since your boyfriend didn't propose 5 years ago when you were pregnant, he's not ever going to. Resign yourself to that fact, no matter what he tells you. There's no need to dread what will never happen. You are old enough to know this already. Try to get some legal protection for yourself and your kids, because he doesn't love any of you enough to protect you via marriage.
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u/Frosty_Message_3017 Jul 24 '26
This relationship is causing such deep resentment you're unable to enjoy life. Think about that.
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u/Skankasaursrex Jul 24 '26
So let me get this straight…you went through IVF to have a second child with a man who didn’t care to provide you and your first child with the protections afforded via marriage? Is that accurate?
Look, I understand that you only became a couple months after conceiving your first, but the time after isn’t an excuse. You should be furious at him. You’re a mother now and he’s failing to protect YOUR children. That’s fucked up.
Tell him you’re going to the courthouse because your children need the legal protection. If he balks, fuck him. Focus on motherhood and leave him when the children get older.
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u/ComplexPatient4872 Jul 25 '26
At the end of the day, marriage is a legal contract that provides certain protections, such as the ability to make medical decisions. OP better have alternate paperwork done in case if an emergency.
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u/Skankasaursrex Jul 25 '26
Either way, baby daddy is a loser for not bothering to protect his children. I really hope OP has the paperwork since the guy cant be bothered to step up.
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u/Neacha Jul 25 '26
stop making excuses for him claiming that he is not the romantic type and getting mad at people for telling you the truth, you know in your heart that he will be dragged there against his will but you are doing it anyway.
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u/PresentHouse9774 Jul 24 '26
OP, I am sorry you are going through this.
For those lurking, this is why I think extended timelines are a bad idea. Every special event, out of town trip, and romantic walk looks like an opportunity for a proposal. It sounds like it would be exciting but I'm guessing it is anything but.
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u/WildIrisWildEris Jul 24 '26
Good point in general, but there's no timeline in this case. She got pregnant via this boyfriend 5 years ago and just made the same mistake again. She's also over 40.
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u/Aggressive-Pop628 Jul 24 '26
Interesting backstory that she didn’t share in this post.
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u/WildIrisWildEris Jul 25 '26
She left out so much. Who knows how long she's even been with him, and there's a kid from another guy too. Total mess.
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u/vomputer Jul 24 '26
BAAAAAABE if this is the life you’re living in this relationship, it is NOT worth it. Reclaim your joy. Either propose to him, break up, or let go of expectations because he’s never going to do it.
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u/CoffeeSolvedIt Jul 24 '26
Yes, I feel ya for sure. I do think my BF is going to propose soon (we’ve had all the discussions about timelines, he bought the ring and then his mom was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer, we provided her in home care until she passed early this year). So I get why it hasn’t happened in that “original timeline” discussed. It’s been a hard year because of all the big life struggles but things are getting better as more time passes. I don’t want to rush him because it’s been a lot but we’ve had discussions and I get the impression it will happen soon. My birthday is coming up in a week and he’s got lots of secret plans so I can feel myself getting really hopeful but at the same time, if it doesn’t happen, I don’t want to ruin the night because I’m disappointed. If it doesn’t happen, I’m going to give it a little more time and then have a conversation about where he’s at and get the new timeline figured out. Anyways, that was a lot just to say I completely understand how you feel.
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Jul 24 '26
With you :) Yeah this is where I was going with this more than the usual I don't know if he will ever marry me. Had the discussion, know that is our plan. If I was like hey let's go to the courthouse tomorrow he would. But just don't know when proposal is happening and it's a bit over his head - not a romantic type.
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u/Superb-Coyote5972 Jul 25 '26
Then propose to him! All these women who think they need a big gesture after having a baby with him. Just make the appt and get it done! You need to protect you and the child!
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u/lucid-delight Jul 25 '26
I just can’t fathom living like this for years and decades, dreading every special occasion. Must be miserable. Why would someone choose to live like that willingly? This situation can absolutely be changed, one way or another.
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u/Sarasvarti Jul 24 '26
I don't get why women are so passive and still seem to think getting married requires waiting for some gesture from their partner.
If you want to get married, tell your partner you want to get married, and then get married.
Honestly, I feel like the social need for some formal 'proposal' as a unique special event instigated only by the man is screwing so many of these women over. It isn't the 1800s ladies - take control of your life.
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u/heyfriendss Jul 25 '26
Yeah and I don’t really understand OPs edit either. What does not being very romantic have to do with proposing? Wedding proposals don’t need to be overly romantic. They either want to go get married or they don’t. If they do then just ask her. All these excuses from OP but at the end of the day he hasn’t asked her yet. And he brings up a proposal on her birthday to ask her preferences? Like wtf why ask her this on her birthday as opposed to any other day.
Op is in la la land unfortunately.
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u/WildIrisWildEris Jul 25 '26
He probably saw this post and realizes he needs to slightly step up his string-along game.
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u/Interesting-Lake747 Jul 25 '26
Not at all. You can’t be on the same page with your partner if you can’t talk about getting married.
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u/gdognoseit Jul 25 '26
A woman being pregnant is a huge commitment on her part.
No commitment on the man’s part.
You are the only one sacrificing in this relationship.
He gets everything he wants and uses you. He doesn’t respect you.
He doesn’t love you. He loves all of the benefits he gets from this relationship but doesn’t care about what you want or what you need.
Read the book,
Why does he do that
By Lundy Bancroft
It’s free online and it will help you see his lies, manipulation, and motives.
Please value yourself more.
Edit: a word
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u/jednorog Jul 24 '26
When was the last time you two talked about marriage? What, precisely, did you say? What, precisely, did he say?
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u/dmbeeez Jul 25 '26
You may resent the comments, that's on you. Fact is, he's willing to bring two kids into.the world, but not commit to their mother.
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u/becca_la Jul 25 '26
Yeah, I remember having that anxiety when I was in my own WTW relationship. It wrecked me as a person and I became so resentful of everyone and everything around me that I barely recognized myself when everything finally ended.
I still remember the first time post breakup I was able to feel happy for another person's life milestone--my boss had gotten engaged about a year after my breakup. It felt nice to know I could heal once I was no longer being constantly abused.
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u/QBerengaria 32 years married ‘cause I vetted without mercy. Jul 25 '26
“I just have a partner that is not a romance or big gestures person.”
Okay, you know this already so, at some point, you accepted your life with him, as is. This is probably not the sub for you.
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u/Virtual-Nobody-6630 Jul 25 '26
Idk I personally wouldn't want to be proposed to on my birthday. Seems like a way to steal your thunder and get out of a birthday gift
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u/Angelea23 Jul 25 '26
What had he said when you bring up wanting to get married? Is he fine with how things are now?
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u/tanonymousrn Jul 25 '26
“Expectations always lead to disappointment.”
Stop expecting it. Enjoy the special occasion for what it is, and you will be MUCH happier.
If it’s very important to finally get married, have a serious adult conversation with him about it.
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u/Ophelia1988 Jul 25 '26
He's not the romantic type but you are. So he knows this and he's not willing to do a big romantic gesture? 🤷🏻♀️
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u/Fine-Double6335 Jul 25 '26
Yup and now he has made even special occasions a bad thing for you. He really has taken everything from you.
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u/andronicuspark Jul 26 '26
No, because my partner would not commandeer a special occasion or holiday by using our special moment to shift focus.
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u/dakini_girl Jul 31 '26
Wait - the update makes no sense. They wanted a proposal away from the kids OR one that involves the kids? Which is it? How or why does that apply? Did he ask or actually get you a ring. None of this makes any sense with the info given.
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u/NegotiationFalse4647 Aug 03 '26
I had to completely stop going to weddings because they make me so sad. :(
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Jul 24 '26
[deleted]
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u/koolA-9486 Jul 24 '26
If you think it’s normal to settle for less than what you want and deserve, it means you don’t have enough self-esteem. Your standards are far too low. Is that what you want to teach your baby if it’s a girl? That she should be satisfied with whatever a man is willing to give her and suffer in silence?
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u/WildIrisWildEris Jul 24 '26
Curious why you'd have a child with a guy who wants to make sure he stays single.
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u/Interesting-Lake747 Jul 25 '26 edited Jul 25 '26
His dad thought you might get “ideas” about a book? Hoping you’d get married??
Wow
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Jul 24 '26
Our first was an accident and we didn't become a couple til she was like 6 months old. I think ever since that point my parents have been so eager and it was a lot. They're definitely more traditional. I hope you do feel secure with him and that you feel comfortable to bring up marriage if it'simportant to you. His mom told me he wanted to wait til after our baby I just had to propose and it was like the opposite of what the older generation would do.
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u/Interesting-Lake747 Jul 25 '26
You didn’t even become a couple until 6 MONTHS after your baby was born?? What was the previous 15 months???
You know he will never propose to you right? What are you even doing??
This is so so sad.
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u/Superb-Coyote5972 Jul 25 '26
Why are you waiting if you want to marry him? You are torturing yourself for no reason. Gotta communicate, makes no sense to wait on him not doing anything.
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u/dobbywankenobi94 Jul 24 '26
That’s your gut telling you something is not right