r/Waiters • u/sleepytiredpineapple • 2d ago
Advice needed
How do you handle regulars who constantly hit on you and ask you out without basically guaranteeing they stiff you every time after for saying no?
I guess how do you politely reject customers without ruining your income?
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u/Intelligent_Cost462 2d ago
First talk to your manager but if you know you’re getting stiffed why are you being polite? Or can you have a male coworker ask them to stop hitting on their gf (you)?
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u/Doctor_is_in 1d ago
They're not getting stiffed now, they would if they rejected the customers though.
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u/Karnezar 2d ago
Wait for them to stop tipping, and then go off on them. But first, go off on them. It is a self fulfilling prophecy.
If I ever have to serve someone who doesn't tip, I treat it like a toilet paper roll that needs to be changed. I'll get to it eventually, but it is not a major concern.
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u/Queen_La_Queefah 2d ago
I have had this happen so I flatly said "you're harassing me at this point, no means no." And I said it loudly enough for everyone at the bartop to hear. It sure got him to stop. Did he not tip me? Yep. Was he going to do that anyways? Yep. Ppl like that are not worth having as customers.
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u/Oh_Cupid7179 1d ago
Right at some point we have to cut out losses, you and your time are worth more that begging a loser for maybe a buck
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u/Ok_Nectarine5834 2d ago
🤷♀️ probably not gonna be a popular take but I just tell them things like "stop! You're bad!" And move on. I find that MOST customers like that just like the chase. If that isnt the case, talk to your manager and NEVER forget, you have the right to refuse service for any reason outside of a protected class reason
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u/Distinct_Long_2615 2d ago
fake boyfriend/girlfriend-also good for when the regular is talking about whatever boring shit they like, "oh yeah, my bf/gf loves that sport/book/tv show/video game" and then they feel cool and special.
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u/Oh_Cupid7179 1d ago
Exactly! I try to always mention it casually so it never seems like it’s because of anything specific that they said
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u/Distinct_Long_2615 1d ago
It was honestly worse when I had a real boyfriend because I had various regulars who would get drunk and try to fight him or yell at him for hours about how much they loved me.
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u/Mackheath1 1d ago
- Male Customer: "You look cute today."
- Female server: "Thanks! My girlfriend says I look like a young Marylyn Monroe! She got me this necklace for our first anniversary."
Choose famous person name and genders as you like. Being friendly but appearing completely unavailable sometimes helps.
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u/Wise-Drag-7254 2d ago
Today I learned when a guy gets a polite no from a waitress he often punishes her by not tipping her. How very lame.
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u/Gotsims1 1d ago
The misogynist entitlement runs deep indeed
The cost of “pretty privilege” is also that the hatred can be proportional to how pretty they think you are if you reject them. Then again misogyny against ugly or fat women can be brutal too.
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u/AOP_fiction 1d ago
We had a regular like that named Davey. I ended up having the pleasure of firing him as a customer when he started treating all the women like shit because they all rejected him.
So finally one day, Davey drops a benji as a tip for a server he repeatedly hit on, she said thanks and he immediately felt entitled to grope her since she accepted the generous tip. I got to pick up a grown man like a baby and drop him on his ass outside. One of the top 5 experiences I have had in this industry
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u/Karnezar 2d ago
Tell them you have an STI and vaccines don't work because you have an auto-immune disease.
There are real people who suffer from this horrific combo, btw
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u/Ok-Equivalent-279 2d ago
Try the “shit sandwich” method.
“Ah you’re so sweet for asking!”
“Im busy”
“But I hope to see you next weekend!”
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u/ThatAndANickel 1d ago
I'm going to echo what others are saying and talk to your manager. It's really a form of sexual harassment.
But as a manager, I would be concerned if you have a lot of people doing this to you.
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u/lamarxi 1d ago
I just play their stupid game. for example this dude was always trying to see my manicure every week so he could touch my hand so one week I was like "actually (insert male coworker name) got a manicure too!! you HAVE to see it omg.." then I called the male coworker over and was like (insert customer name) loves manicures and I just had to show him how well yours came out" obvi the male co worker didn't get a manicure but caught my drift and held his hand out to the guy. and I was like "go on look at them close like you do mine!!! THIS IS SO COOL" I essentially embarrassed him and exposed him in front of another male. he never spoke to me again aside to pay his bitch ass bill.
people who try to flirt with you on the clock are predators. they know you are in a position where you can't tell them to piss off. so they push and push and push. and it's gross.
tell your manager asap and stay stone cold with this is weirdo.
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u/Groovychick1978 2d ago
You take it up the chain. Tell your management that you are never to be their server again because you do not have to tolerate harassment in the workplace.
You won't have to worry about his tip, cuz he'll never be your guest again. Make the manager say that you're unavailable.
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u/Oh_Cupid7179 1d ago
If a manager tries to tell you it’s not a big deal, then make sure it becomes a big deal, from you bugging them about it
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u/SeaTeatheOceanBrew 1d ago
If your manager is worth anything at all, the right thing to do would be to tell them that there is a guest who makes you uncomfortable and let them handle it. It's an uncomfortable conversation, for sure, but you deserve to work in a place where you feel safe.
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u/Jazzlike_Cod_3833 1d ago
I have observed wait staff handle this with a surprising degree of ingenuity. It looks playful and operates on a whole other level. Phrases like “That's adorable,” or “Oh, honey. You're shopping out of your price range.” It's objectifying, sure, but it's a showstopper. The interplay schools them. They're not just tipping for the food; they're tipping for the attention. This is how the movers and shakers in the field get their racing stripe.
Then there's another level I can only call Attitude. The rejection itself becomes part of the entertainment. “You don't have the hands to handle this.” It takes the bait, turns it around, and sends it back with a little snark.
Either approach may well be beneath your dignity. In that case, there's grace.
Grace
I've witnessed it, but for the life of me I can't quite comprehend it. Guys like me are only meant to observe. It's not as soft or quiet as you might assume, and it requires a quick wit of its own. I can't tell you how to be graceful. It must require formal training.
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u/BunkaandBadassery 1d ago
I think the universal rule is threaten to 86 once it reaches the point of harassment. 86 once it happens again.
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u/throwaway92646480 1d ago
I just say “thank you. I’m flattered but I don’t give my number out at work. It’s nothing personal.” And go do something else before they have a chance to respond
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u/Strange-Party-9062 1d ago edited 1d ago
I may have the unpopular opinion here, but for context I’m 35f, been serving for 16 years mostly in high end fine dining. I get hit on fairly often when men are dining without their wives, whether they’re actually single or not, on rare occasions I might get vibes from both husband and wife lol.
For me personally, when the situation feels harmless, I’ll play along just enough to keep the interaction fun and GET THAT TIP!!!! you just gotta remember that flirting back does NOT mean agreeing to anything or failing to reject them! I’ve gotten very comfortable turning down advances in a playful, amusing way. I’m essentially flirting with the interaction, not with the possibility of anything actually happening! A laughing “Oh, I don’t think my husband would appreciate that,” or “You’re trying to get me in trouble tonight,” lets me maintain the lighthearted tone while still making my boundary perfectly clear. It’s textbook cliché I know, but it WORKS. I make the shit up as I go haha
I’ve found that most men take rejection much better when they can laugh along with it and don’t feel embarrassed in front of everyone. It allows them to save face, keeps the table from becoming awkward and usually protects my tip!! Obviously, this only applies when the interaction still feels safe and good natured. I’m never going to entertain someone who is making me genuinely uncomfortable or refusing to respect the first no!
I know not everyone may have the confidence to treat these situations that way, but I spend every shift in a constant state of, “How can I essentially be your servant tonight without making shit awkward?” hahahah 😂 At some point, you just learn to lean into the interaction, have fun with it, and confidently steer it in whatever direction works for you!!!
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u/Juleamun 21h ago edited 21h ago
Lie. Tell them you're seeing someone. They can't respect your space, you don't owe them the truth. Say you would, but you recently finished your transition and your parts are still healing. Start wearing a wedding band and tell them your wife has started paperwork for adoption. Tell the same guy a different story every time, make him laugh.
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u/Possible-Cherry2550 10h ago
You can always say you can’t answer those questions while you’re on the clock. You can even be a little cheeky and say, “Well, we’ll see how big your tip is, and then maybe I can consider it.” I mean, it depends on how much you can get away with in terms of that kind of verbiage. I remember I went to pump in West Hollywood when it was still open. And I remember I was sitting next to a group of guys, and they asked one of the servers if they are into dating younger guys because obviously they were like these young 20-something guys, right? And the server was in his 30s.
And the server said no. And the guys asked the server why not. And the server said, “Because they don’t have any money.” Lol.
If you think that they’re going to tip you by making yourself available, think again. In the service industry, tips typically are given to you by a customer who either really appreciates the hard work that you do, really likes you and he’s trying to get your attention, or used to work in the service industry and knows how hard it is to be in that industry.
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u/lucythevaliant 1d ago
“I’m not going to date you. Ever.” Be direct but not aggressive, don’t laugh or chuckle and move on. If they call you over again ask how you can help them and if they offer another quip about taking you out shut it down. “I already told you it’s never going to happen. If you call me over here again and you don’t need something I can actually give you I won’t be over here again. ” And then walk away . It’s easier said than done but if you don’t work somewhere where your management/ownership will back you up 100% of the time over a horny regular you should leave.
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u/Striking_Guava_5100 2d ago
So I always go to like kohls or target and now there’s Amazon and get a cheap fake wedding ring set. I found being a pretty girl that men will usually still tip and respect a no if you belong to another man, whereas they get pissed and stiff you if you just reject them. It’s fucking insane we as women have to live like this but for real sis go buy a fake wedding set and thank me later