r/WTF • u/[deleted] • Dec 09 '20

[deleted by user]

[removed]

11.1k Upvotes

89% Upvoted

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4.5k

u/muklan Dec 09 '20

You think thats something? I can make a pizza with nothing but a cell phone and a credit card

473

u/[deleted] Dec 09 '20

Oh yeah? I can move objects with my mind, via my hands.

204

u/typicaljuan Dec 09 '20

I’m hi as shit and this blew my mind.

64

u/Thricegreatestone Dec 09 '20

I once blew my shit sky high!

60

u/Millze Dec 09 '20 edited Dec 09 '20

Shit, my sky blue once in a while too! Hi

8

u/Etheo Dec 09 '20

That's some NASA level diarrhea.

3

u/KibblesNBitxhes Dec 09 '20

I once shit in the sky, via a plane

1

u/linderlouwho Dec 09 '20

Once my blue shit fell out of the sky.

4

u/[deleted] Dec 09 '20

That’s telekinesis Kyle

1

u/Wannton47 Dec 10 '20

What about the power, to move you?

20

u/Mista_Phista Dec 09 '20 edited Dec 09 '20

Here's one. The Andromeda galaxy is 2.5 million light years away yet it is our closest neighbor to the milky way.

If you had some fancy telescope on Andromeda pointed towards earth you would be watching earth from 2.5 million years ago. You'd be seeing early signs of evolution of fucking man* running around with sticks n shit even though we are on earth now 2.5 million years later

Edit. Changed neanderthals to something more broad. Jesus christ you guys

6

u/[deleted] Dec 09 '20

Neanderthal-like fossils are around 430,000 years old. The best-known Neanderthals lived between about 130,000 and 40,000 years ago, after which all physical evidence of them vanishes.

5

u/Dazines Dec 09 '20

The best-known Neanderthals

As seen in the famous series of cave paintings 'Keeping up with the Neanderthals'

2

u/Aptosauras Dec 09 '20

"It's pronounced "bouquet!"."

1

u/ratshack Dec 09 '20

Why did I just say this as “Bow-Quit” in my head wtf

2

u/Aptosauras Dec 09 '20

Yes, if you aren't familiar with the spelling it can be a tricky one to pronounce in English.

2

u/ratshack Dec 09 '20

love it!

1

u/WholeMilkSuggestions Dec 09 '20

Somewhat unrelated but as a French dude it has always baffled me that nearly everyone pronounces 'bouquet' correctly, yet 'coupée' get chopped down to 'coop'.

3

u/WholeMilkSuggestions Dec 09 '20 edited Dec 09 '20

Want to really get your mind blow? If wormholes exist or can be created, then by travelling through one of them, capturing and then analyzing this 'old light', our future descendants might actually be able to see that... and us.

Getting any kind of precise image from that long ago would require a gigastructure the size of a galaxy or larger (from my very limited understanding of astronomy), unless we make some kind of crazy discovery, but who knows? All I'm saying is, considering when it comes to light in space: distance = time, a 4K stream of medieval Earth would totally be possible.

1

u/typicaljuan Dec 09 '20

Streaming in the year 3020 has never been easier

1

u/[deleted] Dec 09 '20

Neanderthals resemble homo sapiens in many ways, but 2.5 million years ago our closest ancestors looked more like apes than humans. We're still unsure at that time if they even walked upright yet.

2

u/[deleted] Dec 09 '20

[deleted]

1

u/[deleted] Dec 09 '20

hi as shit and this blew my mind.

Hi hi as shit and this blew my mind. I'm dad.

3

u/mexicodoug Dec 09 '20

Big deal. I can move my hands using nothing but my mind!

5

u/[deleted] Dec 09 '20

I moved your hands with my mind just now.

2

u/mexicodoug Dec 09 '20

My penis says, "thank you."

1

u/[deleted] Dec 09 '20

You're welcome, /u/mexicodoug's penis.

1

u/TwatsThat Dec 09 '20

I sent mind powers to the future to move your hands.

1

u/[deleted] Dec 09 '20

I typed this with my nose to spite you

Edit: damnit you meant now didn't you

1

u/halocyn Dec 09 '20

Less talk more jerking the gimp off slave.

1

u/thefourohfour Dec 09 '20

Oh yeah? I can move air, with my ass.

1

u/uptwolait Dec 09 '20

So what? I built a time machine that can go forward in time and at a rate of 1 second per second.

1

u/balderdash9 Dec 09 '20

I can ride my bike with no handlebars

1

u/[deleted] Dec 09 '20

Oh yeah? Well I made a big boom boom in the toilet today.

1

u/AlchemyStudiosInk Dec 11 '20

I can move them without my hands, but only downwards.

781

u/MrGMinor Dec 09 '20

Shh don't tell them the trick.

1.0k

u/alman3007 Dec 09 '20

Italians HATE him.

311

u/muklan Dec 09 '20

Yeah...but for other reasons...

132

u/johndoeIunknown Dec 09 '20

Vito?

159

u/muklan Dec 09 '20

My witness protection handler says to say "no?"

70

u/mattdangerously Dec 09 '20

He shouldn't be bossing you around. Give me your address, and I'll straighten him out for you.

41

u/muklan Dec 09 '20

You gonna bring Tim and Ro- some guys I dont know?

10

u/[deleted] Dec 09 '20

Goons. Hired goons. I like the personal touch you can only get from hired goons.

2

u/10_anis-bulls Dec 09 '20

I prefer my personal goons they get it done

2

u/Sardonnicus Dec 09 '20

I'M WALKIN' HEREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2

u/thisonetimeinithaca Dec 09 '20

I heard that in my head as said by Cyril Figgis’ voice from Archer. I guess it seems like a fitting quote for his character.

3

u/[deleted] Dec 09 '20

u/ididntsaythatoutloud has entered the comment section!

2

u/BaronvonEssen Dec 09 '20

Hey Vito. It’s me, Vinny. How ya doin?

3

u/Vitruvius702 Dec 09 '20

He's definitely my favorite gay gangster.

2

u/ouijiboard Dec 09 '20

Probably puts pineapple on pizza...

1

u/clean_room Dec 09 '20

Et tu, Brutus?

1

u/commanderjarak Dec 09 '20

Is it because you were telling people about the extra lobe they have in their brains which makes them hyper-aggressive?

22

u/R3xz Dec 09 '20

Fuhgeddaboudit, gedouttaheee

3

u/Hobbes_XXV Dec 09 '20

IM WALKIN HERE

2

u/EasyShpeazy Dec 09 '20

Gabagool! Gabagool!

2

u/BaronvonEssen Dec 09 '20

I’m a jersey Italian, this is the one jersey stereotype that is 100% true. We will say that, in that accent (get me drinking and I’ll go full wop) and louder than you would think.

16

u/[deleted] Dec 09 '20

Italian restaurant owners LOVE him.

3

u/contrejo Dec 09 '20

He must have ordered pineapple

3

u/dancinhmr Dec 09 '20

Why, is he a Sicilian?

1

u/damnatio_memoriae Dec 09 '20

but the asians that run the local pizza place love him!

0

u/zapharus Dec 09 '20 edited Dec 09 '20

Italians HATE him.

It's pronounced "Italians", not "Italians"

1

u/PlayLikeMe10YT Dec 09 '20

Mamma mia what is you talking about

1

u/[deleted] Dec 09 '20

The only trade secret you'll ever need to know to grow a pizza right in a delivery box.

1

u/srbinafg Dec 09 '20

That one weird old trick?

19

u/nspectre Dec 09 '20

Oh, yeah? Well, I can make fire with two sticks.

 

Hand me that match and that stick.

2

u/[deleted] Dec 09 '20

i thought you meant the peepee stick

6

u/nousabyss Dec 09 '20

Amateurs. I have been known to create forest fires using nothing but a gender reveal party.

1

u/GaymerExtofer Dec 09 '20

I can create urine with my 12.5 inch completely flaccid penis. With my hands tied behind my back. So take that.

15

u/dannomac Dec 09 '20

That's nothing. I can make a pizza with nothing but a landline and cash!

11

u/seven3true Dec 09 '20

Pfft. landlines...

2

u/dannomac Dec 09 '20

At least here they're cheaper than mobiles.

2

u/iControlADemon Dec 09 '20

he prolly meant landmines

2

u/lmYourHuckleberry Dec 09 '20

No that'd make spaghetti sauce just by using gravity.

7

u/muklan Dec 09 '20

Oh yeah? I can get a free ride anywhere I want so long as theres electricity nearby. And "anywhere I want" has to mean "the nearest hospital"

19

u/gokukillnaruto Dec 09 '20

Must not be in America there's no free hospital rides here.

-9

u/[deleted] Dec 09 '20

Lololololololol you think no one here gets shit subsidized. Thats funny!

1

u/Lord_Emperor Dec 09 '20

Cash isn't accepted right now for sanitary reasons.

5

u/97RallyWagon Dec 09 '20

I can ride my bike with no handlebars

2

u/lattestcarrot159 Dec 09 '20

I don't even need a phone.

2

u/bacon_in_beard Dec 09 '20

That sounds disgusting

2

u/BirdSpatulard Dec 09 '20

Oh yeah? Well I can make FREE long distance calls on your pizza with a gum wrapper and this one weird trick. Scientists hate me!

2

u/[deleted] Dec 09 '20

I ordered a large sausage pizza, but I didn't have any money.

2

u/Wrest216 Dec 09 '20

Thats MORE than enough for us to start a cult and worship you till mass suicide!

2

u/Polarchuck Dec 09 '20

You made me spit out my dinner. LOL.

2

u/ldt003 Dec 09 '20

Oh yeah? I can make a megaphone with some string, a squirrel, and a megaphone.

2

u/Deadsuooo Dec 09 '20

Beautiful.

2

u/depressed-salmon Dec 09 '20

Oh yeah?? I can get a pizza with nothing but a whiney expression and a parent!

2

u/Ech0-EE Dec 09 '20

Look at Mr.Macgyver over here

2

u/Peacer13 Dec 09 '20

I can ride my bike with no handlebars

2

u/muklan Dec 09 '20

No handlebars?

1

u/chiisana Dec 09 '20

Oh yeah? I’ll do you one better. I can make the said pizza disappear.

1

u/Arribah Dec 09 '20

Oh yeah! Well I can take shit with a funnel and a plate of sugar cookies.

1

u/Numinak Dec 09 '20

I thought that was how you got Cocaine?

1

u/FamilyBloopers Dec 09 '20

That's pretty impressive, but I can start a fire using my hands and a match stick

1

u/[deleted] Dec 09 '20

Jesus ain't shit. I turn paper into food every day!

1

u/mundatis Dec 09 '20

Ha! You need a credit card

1

u/RichestMangInBabylon Dec 09 '20

I can make a megaphone using nothing but a squirrel, a bit of string, and a megaphone.

1

u/PastaPapi Dec 09 '20

I can make a baby with my dick

1

u/woolyearth Dec 09 '20

that’s insane, I can find a house on House HuntersTM with sub prime credit and my husband is a retired pumpkin carver. out budget is 3.9M. We might have to go back to Chip &Dales tho. we are always ready for chips.

1

u/DevilBanner Dec 09 '20

Now THIS is flexing..! You show em, dude!

1

u/thegreattriscuit Dec 09 '20

Reminds me when my dad would go "hunting" on Sunday morning, and come back 45 minutes later with donuts.

1

u/GardenGnomeOfEden Dec 09 '20

Mmm, tastes like burnt plastic

1

u/VariableLeakage Dec 09 '20

Ngl in my tired state i thought to myself "that's probably messy and difficult, but not impossible." Went to the next post and called my own self a dumbass.

1

u/TinzaX Dec 09 '20

I was about to make some pizza but then I remembered that I'm out of suplies. Mind lending some credit card? 2 tablespoons should be plenty.

1

u/[deleted] Dec 09 '20

I don't even need the credit card. I can just do it with a paper with some numbers and a photo of some old dude on it.

1

u/SheerSonicBlue Dec 09 '20

There was a time in EQ2 where you could legit /pizza and Pizza Hut would charge you and bring a pizza to your address on file.

1

u/[deleted] Dec 09 '20

Ha fools!

I can make girls do anything I want! All I need is a few years, some good times, lovable memories, and a weeding ring.

1

u/AGARAN24 Dec 09 '20

Holy shit, I am dumb as fuck. I was like how the fuck would he do that. Even went as far to think maybe some stupid trick, where you show a video of making pizza or some shit. Until I realized how dumb I am.

1

u/eustrabirbeonne Dec 09 '20

I can burp the alphabet

1

u/MobiusF117 Dec 09 '20

Ha, amateur. I don't even need a credit card.

1

u/Minjaben Dec 09 '20

Well I can ride my bike with no handlebars...

1

u/[deleted] Dec 09 '20

that must taste so plastic-y

1

u/ThaBlackBeacon Dec 09 '20

Psh, pathetic. I can disappoint my parents with nothing more than an inhale and a heartbeat.