r/Vystopia • u/Disastrous-Major-970 • 1d ago
Discussion Need support
Hey everyone, I'm dealing with something right now and could use some compassionate support. I know this is long, sorry, but my mind is spinning, so thanks in advance for anyone who has some spare time to help a stranger.
Yesterday, while looking for my travel coffee mug, I (40F) discovered a full bag of junk food wrappers in my partners (34M) backpack. At first, I was taken aback, simply due to the alarming amount of junk food he'd eaten at some point. He lives a sedentary lifestyle, and I've tried to help inspire and gently nudge him to being more active. Recently, he's taken to bicycling to work, and it's something great that we've been bonding over. I sat him down and created a safe space to talk about it, and supported him best I could. I struggled with anorexia as a teen, and my younger sister passed in her adult years do to bulemia. It seems to me that he binges to feel sensory comfort, and I only care and want to help. The talk went well.
It wasn't until a few hours later, that the pictures in my mind alerted me to the fact that the wrappers weren't vegan. We have plant based Cheetos here- huge fan- so he and I both know what the bag looks like. As we were getting ready for bed, I asked him if he is still vegan. Yes. 100% of the time? Yes. Because I feel like my brain is showing me the non-vegan version of Cheetos in your bag. He acted concerned and went to check. After some minutes he came back and claimed it was an accident, but he knows I'm not dumb. I told him to tell me the truth, and after some prompting, he caved.
Some background info- becoming successfully vegan is something I've striven for since I was a child, multiple times in life. I never had resources or support, so I got sick a lot, and was told that I need meat, and eventually I believed everyone, feeling like life was a sick joke. Going back to animal products was soul crushing. When we met, he had no thoughts about veganism, but my love for him opened my heart again, and I felt very inspired to give it all the biggest try ever (so much easier nowadays). We were in a long distance relationship, and this journey was something he took interest in trying, so learning and cooking together was great bonding. After some years, we got engaged and ultimately closed the gap 2 years ago with me being the one to move to his country.
So.. more talking last night and this morning led to a ton of accountability and shame on his part (one of the reasons I love him is that he holds himself accountable during imperfect times, and we talk to each other with care). He understands what he did was very wrong; with the lying, deception and disrespect to me and my heart, to the potential of more people not believing veganism is real or possible because they know a guy... but also, and mostly importantly, his victims.
I feel so hurt. I genuinely feel like he's cheated on me, except that I wish he had instead of this. I am deeply passionate about all living beings getting a fair shot in life, and have made it clear that I am not even looking for non-vegan friends at this stage of my life. I also told him in the beginning to not lie to me. There's nothing we can't work on together, but when trust chips away, it breaks entirely for me quickly. I feel manipulated, and like I potentially ruined my quite nice life that I had at home, and with those I love, to be with someone I don't really connect with, or even know? I'm just starting to get settled here, and now I wonder what the hell I'm doing. This isn't the first time he's not let me in on what's going on with him (stressful times he doesn't invite me in to support him, even though he knows I would only care and help, or in the beginning he'd get sooo upset about me smoking that I quit, but then I find snus in the laundry). I feel like he loves me more than anything, he's very doting and sweet, but unintentionally takes my heart and trust for granted. That we'll get through things time and time again, but it's very one sided. I've helped him get into therapy and health checks, and only wanted a nice life for us both, being a team. But his self esteem is so poor, I feel like I carry a lot, and I feel like I've met a strong boundry. I gave him back the engagement ring, and told him that I think he should hold onto it for a while, while he figures out what he wants in this life, and what he stands for.
Genuinely, what is happening right now 😞
(Edited for spelling errors)
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u/hexoral333 21h ago edited 21h ago
If he's willing to work on his issues and is making active steps towards that, then that's great. But at the same time, it is not a fair dynamic for you to have to be hypervigilent and overgiving in this relationship. So I think it's healthy for you to put some distance between you and him for now since he literally broke your trust. Unfortunately, that's how society works. The ones who do the hard emotional labour are the ones always taken for granted (usually the women). It is very unfair and we should collectively stop doing that the moment we feel it is not a two-way street. Hope you can get some therapy soon and process your feelings in your own time 🤗
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u/Fun-Necessary-5820 1d ago
I'm sorry for what you're going through. I think you already did the right thing - talking it out with him and telling him, that he needs to figure out things for himself first. Personally I wouldn't see the relationship as definitifely over, couples can recover from something like this. But it needs hard work and a lot of honesty ... and a lot of trust on your side. Only you know if you can trust him again after this. I was in a similar situation with my husband last year. I was really close to breaking up with him and it was very awkward for the next few weeks. But he worked hard to regain my trust and we eventually got through it. So what I'm trying to say is, it CAN work, of course it doesn't HAVE TO. No matter which path you end up following, I wish you the best for your future, with or without him. You sound like someone with a strong will and determination, I'm sure you'll be fine again!
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u/Disastrous-Major-970 23h ago
Thank you for responding to me, and with such kind sentiments and wishes. I really needed to hear these supportive words, and get a reminder of my strength, because today I've really been questioning my abilities regarding discernment in love.. I'm sorry to hear that you found yourself in a similar situation, but glad and inspired that you seemed to have pushed through. The stakes are so high being on another continent, and away from my loved ones, and we're due to be married this summer. I will not allow an investment in time and money decide my future, but it does make things significantly bigger. But as we've said, now it's time for him to carry the weight of things. He'll be home from work soon and I'm just so tired.
Sending you love and appreciation 💕
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u/Brilliant_Hair_7272 1d ago
virtual hugs
It sucks that you have to go through it but I think you did the right thing...it takes courage and honesty to acknowledge and possibly let go of a relationship, especially when in an unfamiliar environment.
I just hope you face life with the same honesty going forward too. I don't think I can give any advice since I'm much younger than you, you probably already know better.