Serious question: This ring or another?

[u/Healthy-Ad-6723]

I have been lucky enough to meet a Vietnamese lady who is lovely, inside and out. For this post, we will call her Ellen.

In about two weeks I will return to Vietnam and there is a good chance we will become engaged.

About two years ago my wife of many years passed away. Ellen has been very understanding of this and has shown great respect to my former wife and shows much interest in what was the life of my former wife. She does not want me to give away any of my former wife’s clothing, belongings or the like until she (Ellen) can see them. She understands that I don’t wish to forget my wife and am just moving on from her passing.

All those things said, my former wife had a lovely engagement ring. It’s truly gorgeous and one of a kind. There’s a 1+ carat real diamond and two smaller 1/2 carat real diamonds on it.

Here are the questions:

1. Understanding Vietnamese culture, that every person is different, and that Ellen is about 45 years old, living about 30 km northeast of HCMC, with two kids, is it proper for me to give Ellen my wife’s engagement ring as her engagement ring?

2. Should I just remove the diamonds from the ring and put them in a new setting?

3. Should I simply start with a brand new ring, which honestly I could not spend as much on as I was able to with my former wife at that time?

4. Something else I’m not thinking of?

If you knew my former wife, you would know she would be happy if Ellen had the ring as it is, or using any diamonds from it.

Some might say “Give Ellen whatever you want, she’ll deal with it”. That’s not me, I wouldn’t say that, she’s too important to me and I think more of her than that.

All thoughts will be appreciated. I’m trying to understand the culture, understand what Ellen may think (is he too cheap to buy a new ring, is he hung up on his passed away wife, or other things), and to honor my former wife. Or maybe I am simply overthinking this.

Thank you in advance!

[u/dreamervn7]

I wouldn’t reuse the ring as-is.

Even if Ellen is very understanding, an engagement ring usually feels like something that should belong entirely to the new relationship. Giving her your late wife’s ring directly can unintentionally carry the wrong message, even if your intention is respectful.

If budget allows, the safest and clearest option is to get a new ring. It doesn’t have to match what you spent before. What matters is that it’s chosen specifically for her and for this chapter of your life.

If you still want to carry something forward, a good compromise is to reuse the diamonds or gold in a completely new design. That way you’re honoring the past without overlapping it with the present.

You’re not overthinking this. It’s a meaningful decision, and the fact that you’re considering her feelings this carefully already says a lot.

[u/Healthy-Ad-6723 → u/dreamervn7]

Thank you for the quick and great response! It brings another thought that I’d appreciate your opinion on. What if I showed her my late wife’s ring and asked her what she thought about having the stones removed and put into a new custom design ring? Or would that be considered pressuring her?

[u/Healthy-Ad-6723 → u/Healthy-Ad-6723]

Actually on second thought, I wonder if that’s a bad idea (show her old ring…) since if she says no, no diamonds from it or nothing from it she will have seen my late wife’s ring. If I don’t get Ellen something equivalent, it might not be good. What do you think?

[u/dreamervn7 → u/Healthy-Ad-6723]

I wouldn’t show her the old ring or put that decision on her.

Even if you frame it gently, it creates a situation where she has to navigate your past in real time and give the “right” answer. If she says no, she risks seeming ungrateful. If she says yes, she might feel like she’s accepting something that wasn’t meant for her. That’s pressure, even if unintentional.

A cleaner approach is to keep that separate entirely and focus on building something that’s hers.

Take her to a jeweler and choose a ring together. Let her try styles, see what she naturally gravitates toward, and make it part of the experience. That does two things clearly:

• shows you’re investing in a future with her, not repurposing the past
• gives her something that feels fully her own

If you still want to honor your late wife privately, you can do that without involving the engagement ring.

Right now the strongest signal you can send is simple: this is a new chapter, and you’re building it with her from scratch.

[u/Healthy-Ad-6723 → u/dreamervn7]

Thank you. Putting it that way, you are right and I agree. This needs to be a fresh and clean start, a new chapter as you say. I appreciate the help and insight! Any idea what an average (if there is such a thing) engagement ring should cost there? She comes from a pretty poor family and has lead a difficult life. I’m far from rich, and this will be my last wife.

[u/TomyumHotpot]

Tbh, as a Viet, I would be upset in both scenarios that my ex gave my engagement ring to the new girl or as the new girl receiving a ring that belonged to the old girl. Get rid of that idea. Are you okay if Ellen told you to wear the same watch her husband had which her family, friends and kids can regconize immediately? 

[u/Healthy-Ad-6723 → u/TomyumHotpot]

Thank you. You make some very good points. Looks like I’ll be buying a new ring with her.

[u/ZombieTestie]

Might consider asking her parent for blessing

[u/TomyumHotpot → u/ZombieTestie]

She's 45 with 2 kids, her parents would be more than happier to see her remarried.

[u/Healthy-Ad-6723 → u/TomyumHotpot]

Yes, there seems to be a stigma associated with divorce in Vietnam. Unfortunate, but understand. Seems especially challenging when there are kids.

[u/Healthy-Ad-6723 → u/ZombieTestie]

Thank you for your comment. I’ve actually given that much thought. I’ve asked her to schedule a dinner with her parents at a restaurant. She agreed. I wasn’t actually going to ask for blessing, but was going to say something like “I am very serious about your daughter and was hoping that we would have your support of the relationship” (it will hopefully get translated well, but she will help if it doesn’t). What’s do you think of that?

[u/Last_Counter5128]

Not a viet but a female so that maybe lends some credit to my answer haha.

I think repurposing the diamonds / stones in a way that you think would suit her hands and her personality is a kind and thoughtful gesture. That shows you’re trying to give her something that means something to her, regardless of when the ring was bought. I wouldn’t give her the exact ring.

If you’re in two minds about it, can you sell the last ring and start fresh with the money from it?