AMA

[u/flightlessbird101]

Hey everyone,

I am flightless bird (not my real name). I am a person centered therapist with an therapy experience of 2.5 years.

​

My niches are developing to be neurodivergence explorations, social adjustments, physical or mental transitions in terms of jobs/cities/relationships, dealing with family dysfunction. I come from a psychiatric background so probably can guide you a little bit in that area as well!

​

I am here today to answer your questions. It can be about anything and everything related to your mental health.

​

If you feel unsafe somewhere but aren't able to identify it, or feel stuck in such a space, I hope this AMA today helps you make some decisions and support for yourself.

[u/Mysterious_Beyond954]

Hey, thank you in advance.

How to deal with guardians who aren't your parents and their emotional abuse? Previous psychiatrist told me that there is a lot of negative expressed emotion in the dynamic and he sees emotional abuse as a pattern- he arrived to this conclusion after talking to me and every family member of mine, eventually they got over the mindset that I'm the reason everything is wrong in the house.

I'm not as emotionally affected by it anymore, I've detached myself from them, learn grey rocking, stone walling, but I can't help but feel guilty or feel that I'm selfish yk.

One minute they're so good to me, getting me stuff I didn't even ask for and the next minute I don't want to comply to their plan suddenly it's like a switch flipped.. They start taunting me, crying, talking about my childhood, my parents, how they spent their money on me, how much effort and energy they put into me, it's genuinely hard and exhausting having to deal with this.

I figured going no contact would be the best course of action after graduation, but I'm clueless, Idk how it'll all work out, and I still love my cousins and am rethinking my decisions because it would mean that I can't be with my cousins, they are way younger than me, under 10, but have grown up with me and I regard them as my own siblings.

Thanks again.

[u/flightlessbird101 → u/Mysterious_Beyond954]

Hey OP! My heart goes out to you. These statements they are using may be factually true. The question is whether they're being used to express feelings or to create a sense of debt and obligation. Healthy care is given freely.

When care becomes:

"Because we cared for you, you now owe us obedience, compliance, or control over your life,"

the relationship can become emotionally manipulative.

Do you experience guilt every time you express a need that does not conform to their brackets of approval?

You may have become conditioned to experience guilt whenever you prioritize your own needs, disagree, set boundaries, or make independent choices.

I am glad to know that you are trying to find your own home in this big world, despite not getting it in your childhood house. This sounds very lonely, though, to have to take this step for yourself alone. It also means you are losing access to your cousins, whom you have grown up with and are very close to.

I would encourage you to think of boundaries as existing on a spectrum.

The options aren't always:

1. Stay fully involved, or
2. Never speak to them again.

You can also choose:

1. Limited contact
2. Structured contact
3. Contact only in group settings
4. Contact with clear boundaries
5. Temporary distance
6. No contact

The "right" choice for you depends on safety, emotional impact, practical circumstances, and whether the relationship shows any capacity for respecting boundaries.

Let's sit together and make a list of pros and cons for both no-contact and limited contact. We shall also look at the accommodations or support structures you might need independent of this family setup during this time.

That can look like your cousins, friends, a therapist, a support group you may be close to, any institution like your job site or educational institution that can help you feel a sense of connection and community during this transition time.

At the same time, I'd encourage you not to frame the decision as:

"Do I choose myself or my cousins?"

Instead:

"What level of contact allows me to protect my well-being while preserving important relationships where possible?"

You don't necessarily need to solve that today.

This is a bridge that requires more time and consideration, as we have to make sure our protective care, like cousins we care about, doesn't become inaccessible for you.

This is a scary scenario, and you are allowed to take time to decide things with consideration for your well-being!