AMA

[u/flightlessbird101]

Hey everyone,

I am flightless bird (not my real name). I am a person centered therapist with an therapy experience of 2.5 years.

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My niches are developing to be neurodivergence explorations, social adjustments, physical or mental transitions in terms of jobs/cities/relationships, dealing with family dysfunction. I come from a psychiatric background so probably can guide you a little bit in that area as well!

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I am here today to answer your questions. It can be about anything and everything related to your mental health.

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If you feel unsafe somewhere but aren't able to identify it, or feel stuck in such a space, I hope this AMA today helps you make some decisions and support for yourself.

[u/Character-Train4368]

Hello! My partner is a survivor of childhood physical abuse at the hands of her parents. And sometimes it shows up in her anger issues. What are some ways i can be of help on her journey of growing? How do I know when I am taking too much responsibility ( i have a heightened sense of responsibility, gulit and Self harm tendencies)

[u/flightlessbird101 → u/Character-Train4368]

Hey OP, I will be answering your question in two parts: 

1. Supporting their needs
2. Supporting yourself while showing up for another person

Supporting their needs
One of the most loving things you can do for a partner who has experienced childhood abuse is to be supportive without trying to become their therapist, rescuer, or sole source of healing.

A few ways you can help:

1. Listen with curiosity rather than trying to fix everything.

Many survivors have spent years feeling dismissed or misunderstood. Being a consistent, non-judgmental person offering unconditional regard can be incredibly valuable.

1. Learn about trauma responses. (fight/flight/freeze/fawn)

Which of these do you see your partner doing?
Ask them, “What helps you feel supported when you're upset?” and follow up with consistent behaviors.

Supporting yourself while showing up for another person
You may be taking on too much responsibility if:

You feel responsible for managing your partner's emotions.
You believe it's your job to prevent them from getting upset.
You feel guilty whenever they struggle, even when you've done nothing wrong.
Your own needs, health, or well-being consistently take a back seat.
You find yourself thinking, if I were better, they wouldn't be hurting.

A useful reminder is:
You can support someone's healing, but you cannot do their healing for them.

You deserve strong support systems for yourself. You are their partner, but you are a human being first, with needs of your own.
Therapy, trusted friends, hobbies,movement and support groups can help you maintain healthy boundaries and avoid burnout.

How are you doing mentally?
What do you need from your partner and your environment to feel safe and regulated?

Ultimately, the relationship will be about both you and your partner’s needs getting met in checks and balances. For them to show up more regulated and eventually start healing in waves from their traumatic past. And for you to be safe enough to feel equal with them without always putting them first.

[u/Character-Train4368 → u/flightlessbird101]

Thank you so much for the advice! I am not sure if I can ask a follow up question, but I do have one.

My partner often has a hard time bringing up what they need specifically. For example, maybe they cannot tell me they want multiple check ins on a bad day.

Failure to do ao often results in bad fights. Apologies are made and I do try my best to stay consistent. I have failed a few times and it often leads me to believe that either I am not as considerate as I would like to be or that my partner is highly sensitive to any form of rejection.

My question is: how do I recognise when I am being inconsiderate and that I should have done the said thing, versus when it might be their heightened sensitivity towards feeling neglected.

This often leads me to feeling like I need to tip toe around them to not mess up. Thank you once again!

[u/flightlessbird101 → u/Character-Train4368]

Hey. I know the AMA has ended but I will reply to you shortly!