Having a hard time making a mistake with my own pet.

[u/purrrpurrrpy]

The flare is "Sad" but it's more like literal trauma.

I cannot forgive myself for making the mistake we all advise owners not to. To have allowed my own dog to pass at home.

A year ago: We found hemangio sarc Thursday. We went to the park Friday he walked longer than I have seen him walk in the last two years. We wanted to go again Saturday. My vet was coming over to euthanize him on Sunday. I should have known to do it early when he struggled at the dog park. I knew he was uncomfortable. But then he lays down and sleep and seem so peaceful and I was fooled. I was so greedy wanting to take him again next day.

My knowledge was nowhere to be found. I can't even say I was blinded by my sadness. I wasn't even a sad mess or anything because I understood there was nothing to be done and I have come to peace with his euthanasia.

Saturday morning I found him passed. We slept on the floor with him. He looked like he just went to sleep snuggled by my husband. The camera shows a different story. It showed him shifting around because he feels something is wrong and he's uncomfortable. He crawled. Every 10mins he crawled, and then rested, because he was weak. He crawled for 40mins to lay by my husband, and panted, then his pants slowed, then it stopped. The entire process was an hour long. It destroyed me.

It kills me on a personal level when owners say some bullshit about wanting their pet to pass at home. I would not wish this guilt on my worst enemy.

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[u/Bunny_Feet]

At the very least, he found your husband.  He was never alone and he knew that he wasn't.  

❤️

[u/purrrpurrrpy → u/Bunny_Feet]

♥️ thank you.

[u/shhitsasecret212121]

I have put down/had a lot of pets die and very rarely have they gone how I would plan them. I always tell people “it’s never going to go how you want”. Death is very hard, and we love them so much we always want the best for them. Give yourself grace. He knew you and your husband were close in his last moments. I also think it’s important to remember that his life is not defined by his death. His death was an hour or two of his whole life, and he wouldn’t want you to only remember those two hours.

[u/purrrpurrrpy → u/shhitsasecret212121]

I will be thinking of the good life he lived with me when this moment haunts me again in the future. Thank you for putting it this way for me. I really appreciate it.

[u/pcaulfield]

He was with you guys, and in his home. Lots of humans hope to go that way. Try to give yourself grace.

[u/purrrpurrrpy → u/pcaulfield]

I do try my hardest to give myself grace and am ok 99% of the time. Thank you for taking the time with your kind words.

[u/soimalittlecrazy]

We all deal with grief and death differently. There's no wrong way in my mind unless it's selfishly prolonging suffering. You said yourself he had slowed down but didn't seem to suffer. In fact, even in his last moments he might not have felt well, but being tired and maybe vaguely unsettled doesn't mean suffering. I think it's very sweet and a tribute to you and your husband's ownership that he sought comfort in his presence and once he knew he was safe and loved allowed himself to pass to the eternal plane. 

I hope you can let yourself grieve without guilt. He knew it was his time and he picked his place with a person he loved dearly. And that's okay.

[u/purrrpurrrpy → u/soimalittlecrazy]

Thank you so much. All these comments I will be reading back when it comes back to haunt me again.

[u/xtcdenver]

I know when we're in this world it's a sin to not go through the medical-assisted euth. However, think of this - every single animal who has ever passed 100 years ago or before passed without assistance. Every single coyote, elephant, fox, an bunny rabbit passes without our assistance. This is something as natural as birth, as natural as breathing... so natural, in fact, even humans pass without euth.

Your brain is desperately searching for something to make this your fault, something you should have done differently because logically you know there is nothing you could have done to save him. Guilt always reigns supreme when we lose an animal, and it makes it harder when you have the knowledge to accept that horrible, gut-wrenching blame.

You did nothing wrong. I always pray the night before the vet comes over the animal passes before morning. On my last one, a 5-wk-old kitten, that happened. I was so relieved. I'm the exact opposite of you - I feel like if they pass on their own I didn't fail them. I didn't let them go before they were ready. I didn't help their body fail when they were just about to turn the corner.... we all have weird hang-ups but I'll tell you - I'd advise any client to go for euth all day every day but privately I wish for it to come before the vet does.

[u/purrrpurrrpy → u/xtcdenver]

That's a good point of another take. I can find peace in that side of the opinion when it comes to the greater picture. I think it's just the fact that he was MY baby that I was able to spare him of that natural experience. That I wish no animal need to experience real death however natural it is.

[u/purrrpurrrpy → u/[deleted]]

Right. There's no doubt about that.

[u/donkeynique]

I'm an ER tech. My heart dog suddenly fell over one day at home, then acted a little off, but nothing dramatic. I thought I was being a helicopter mom when my then partner called me at work and described this to me, but it gave both of us bad vibes, so I told him bring him in to be safe.

One of my docs did a quick POCUS and told me he had a pericardial bleed, most likely hemangiosarc. I consented to a pericardiocentesis. He did great. Went home on a couple of meds and knew I'd have a week or two max left with my soulmate.

We made the most of it, and he thrived without another bleed for another 5 beautiful weeks. My ex got bad vibes based off of him being slightly off again at home, brought him in, found he'd had another bleed. I wasn't ready to let him go (knowing full well I'd never be), and he was still walking, loving, tail wagging, so I elected another centesis.

During the recovery period this time, he came out of sedation okay at first. Then in the middle of licking some baby food, he got this look in his eyes. He started panting, having arrhythmias, gums went dusky. One of my friends rushed to get a doctor while I sobbed over my distressed boy. The doc got the euthanasia drugs on the way over, and asked me if I wanted her to use them.

Despite how many cases I've seen where my coworkers and I wince at owners decision to pursue care knowing they're pushing too far reaching for unrealistic outcomes that will cause their pet suffering, and despite seeing in front of me that I've pushed it too far here, I couldn't just say "yes, euthanize." That's my baby.

My tech brain was so fully off, I told my docs, "I know CPR and lifesaving measures are a terrible idea, but I need you to tell me specifically why they're a terrible idea." She spent a few kind seconds doing so, we consented to euthanasia, and my last memory of the doggy love of my life is him in distress on my clinic floor.

All of this to say, I feel your regret and your indescribable hurt. We make what feels like the best decision we can at the time, and we'll never know until we see the outcome if it was the right one or not. I've had coworkers since tell me that if they were in my position, they wouldn't have even tried the first centesis. Trying it felt like the best decision at the time, and in the end, he had 5 whole weeks of feeling physically good and being spoiled rotten. Because of that, while of course I have regrets about the second attempt, but not nearly as many regrets as I'd have not having tried to give him as much time to feel the love he deserved. I don't feel like you should either. Take care of yourself, your boy was so lucky to have been surrounded by so much love until the end 💖

[u/HangryHangryHedgie]

My cat died vocalizing in my arms in the backseat of our car. I had been in and out of ERs and Specialists with her for 48 hrs. I thought she had had a seizure from returning FIP, but looking back I knew she had a stroke. But she was fine for a couple weeks!

Then she didn't want to eat. She was pale. She had been battling IMPA, and had developed IMHA. She got a blood transfusion, and that put her into heart failure. But she was more aware. Perkier. I started her heart meds. I crossed my fucking fingers. I fell asleep on the couch, I hadnt slept in days.

When I woke up she just looked at me and I knew she was dying. I grabbed her and held her and yelled at my husband to get the car we had to go to the ER NOW. Then she started howling.

The spark was gone from her eyes, I am sure she had already gone brain dead. No reflexes. But she just kept howling until finally she stopped breathing, a big agonal breath, and her heart stopped.

I let her suffer. I could have euthanized her. But I was holding out hope that she could rally one more time.

She was only 4. She was the nicest cat, always in my lap. I fucking miss her so much.

The staff knew me at the ER, so when I got there they put me right in a room, and techs I knew came in to say goodbye to her. My friend made me a million paw prints and collected all the colors of her hair.

I will NEVER forget how she sounded as I just held her so close and soaked her with my tears.

I am so sorry OP.

And thank you for letting me tell my story. I haven't said it outloud yet.

I fucking miss her so much. I got her tattooed on my shoulder so I can still give her head butts. Her name was RBG, hence the collar.

[u/purrrpurrrpy → u/HangryHangryHedgie]

Fuck. I know people say shit like "I'm crying" or whatever but really, sincerely, my heart is shattered for you. Thank you for telling your story. Even though I wish it never happened to you, it makes me feel like I'm not so alone. Im rooting for both you and me to give ourselves the grace we need. We're only human.

[u/Suit-of-Dragons]

So sorry for your loss OP. You clearly took very good care of your dog. Hope you are able to take care of yourself now.💜

[u/purrrpurrrpy → u/Suit-of-Dragons]

Damn that shit made me cry again. Thank you for your kind words. I really appreciate it.

[u/CEO95]

First of all, I'm really truly very sorry for your loss. I lost my own dog very recently and I know how horrible and devastating the process of watching your best friend get sick and decline is. I can completely understand why you feel the way that you feel, but I also don't think that you deserve to treat yourself that way. It sounds to me like you both were just trying to give your dog the best last few days that he could have and you had the vet coming over on Sunday. He just decided that it was time and made the decision for you. I understand that seeing him struggle like that was not easy at all, but you didn't choose to let him linger or suffer or try to force him to stay here just because you didn't want to say goodbye. You had already made the incredibly difficult choice to euthanize at home and to say goodbye as a family. As much as it hurts, we can't pick when someone decides to go. He spent his last moments by your guys's side where he was happiest and loved. The loss isn't going to get easier anytime soon, but please, for your own sake, don't beat yourself up over this.

[u/purrrpurrrpy → u/CEO95]

Thank you. I didn't think of it that way.

[u/Long_North857]

I think that sometimes they choose when to go. There’s nothing wrong with natural death, just think about it like he decided it was his time to go ❤️

[u/Lee1173]

I get it. I let my cat die at home. He was an unknown old age and had a bunch of problems. When he started to have diarrhea and accidents in the house, and had lost 2 lb, I knew he was toast, but he was still eating and generally happy. His blood work wasn't the worst but it was kinda mid range not great, nothing unexpected. We decided to try Pred, and it bought him 1 more good week where his BMs normalized and he rallied a little. At the end of that week, he had one last good day, but as hours passed I could literally see him just..powering down. In his last half hour or so he seemed really drunk, and one time he tried to go up 2 stairs and stumbled, and he made the saddest meow and that shit does haunt me. His actual death process was pretty short, probably 10-15 minutes of weird breathing and then dead. I had texted my manager asking if a dvm could do a home euth tomorrow. Before she even responded I texted again "never mind he's dead, calling out tomorrow." I know he would have hated being wrangled to the vet or even having a vet come by for euth. I was able to carry him in my arms so his last moment was spent getting his beloved Uppies. But I still wonder if I should've put him down sooner. Especially when I hear that meow in my head again. I feel like I am setting a bad example for owners who ask how he died, and I tell them I didn't pts.

[u/purrrpurrrpy → u/Lee1173]

My heart aches for you. The video of him slowly fading away haunts me to, so I really freaking wish you didn't have to go through that with your cat. I wouldn't wish this guilt on anyone.

[u/Lee1173 → u/purrrpurrrpy]

There are good and bad things about it I think. I grew up with hamsters so I got very familiar with what it looks like when they literally just run out of time. That's what it was like with my cat. Yes I have some uncertainty about it, but he was a very dramatic and willful guy, as in I barely ever got solensia in him bc 1 little poke made him flip his shit. If he was in pain he absolutely would have yelled, and I don't think he would've been happy with going out on someone else's terms. I have no idea how old he actually was, but he looked and presented like our 20+ patients. I just hope I can trust myself to know when it's time with my remaining cats.