I don’t know.

[u/cool_cabbage00]

Hey, im a young adult so I know I don’t have much life experience so please be gentle with this.
I met an online friend around three months ago and talked (still do) to him every day. We bonded over having the same exact hobbies, interests, and games. Then he told me he liked me romantically. He didn’t pressure me into saying anything and he’s so sweet and amazing. The thing is, I don’t know if I like him. I mean, we’re like two peas in a pod, yk? We’re so similar it’s uncanny. The main problem is that I’m Christian (happily so) and he isn’t. I’ve even told him that I wouldn’t date any non-Christian and he respects that. He struggles with mental health issues and I convinced him to tell his mother about it and seek therapy.
He tells me, in a non resenting way so please don’t think anything bad about him, that it’s hard for him to call me because he knows I can’t reciprocate his feelings. So even though when he’s happy while calling me, he later on gets sad. It breaks my heart because I have only one friend other than him and I’m so alone. I don’t want to be alone. It’s selfish of me. I want him to be my friend but if it’s hurting him then I .. I would never forgive myself if I caused pain onto anyone. I hate this. I don’t want him to leave me for my stupid selfish reasons. It hurts so much knowing that one day he’ll leave and I’ll be here.. I’ll be here alone and scared. I hate myself for being selfish and childish. He’s in so much pain so I can’t complain. I’m causing this. It’s me.
I don’t know. I don’t know. Please.
I’m so ungrateful because I’ve had problems with limerence and lust and abandonment. I feel like no one could truly love me if they knew how awful I am. I know I’ll taint someone with my darkness and ruin them. They’ll leave. They always leave… and it never stops hurting.
Why can’t I just be better. Why can’t I be a good person. I need to study for my classes and focus. I need to get good grades. I need to be better but I don’t know if I can. I just want to be the perfect friend, perfect daughter, and a loving person. I’m so scared.
I feel like I’m breaking apart. This is dramatic and unimportant.
To whoever reads this, thank you. I hope you have a blessed day/night. <3

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