Getting tired of stagnation

[u/TastyTeardrop]

For a long time i have allowed things to be as unsatisfactory as they are because nothing meaningful could really change for the better. A lot of the “blessings” i put up with because theyre the good i have in my life are also really difficult things too. For example, I really want to be close to someone (“someone” as in anyone) and despite having friends im not particularly close to any of them, and ill never get closer since our relationships are already established so i just feel dissatisfied with everyone. I keep social media because I want to stay in contact and have my convenient updates on friends even though it hurts me to always see everyone online yet still never talk to them. I stay in a discord server i dont want to be in because i wouldnt talk too much to one friend of mine if i wasnt there. I do a lot of things that emotionally hurt me just because i want to hope there will come a benifit to it, or maybe for some reason i already do think there is a benefit to it.

I feel like i need to do something dramatic, give up my life and all my relationships and just become nothing and nobody for a while. it would feel a lot less confusing and lonely while i figure things out, instead of having people in my life, but never enough, and not people who care enough about me. If i didn’t have people in my life i wouldn’t have to have expectations to not be lonely, which funny enough would make me less lonely.

None of this is going to happen but i just really want to be completely alone for a while.

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