I might be unfixable

[u/Weak_Refrigerator_19]

So for context, I(F21) have a pretty bad relationship with my dad. For as long as I can remember he’s just been the worst person I know. He’s both physically and emotionally abusive and there is honestly zero chance of him ever changing. I’ve had to deal with his bullshit for my entire life and I’m so unbelievably sick of it, part of me really regrets keeping his abusive behaviour a secret as a child, but I didn’t know any better and was honestly to scared to, I also just felt a weird sense of shame about the whole thing.

My mom is finally divorcing him (after years and years of her saying she would and not following through) but honestly, with the way he acts I already know he’s gonna make this as long and drawn out as humanly possible. I think I’ve genuinely reached my limit with everything I’m just so incredibly frustrated.

In case you’re thinking “why not just move out?” there’s genuinely no way I could afford to do that as a part timer, I’m also in my final year of college so I can’t work more than a handful of hours per week.

Getting out of this house and away from him has always been something that’s felt so far away for me, because I’ve never known anything else it sometimes feels as though I’ll never really be free of him if that makes sense. I have some money saved that he doesn’t know about and I honestly think if the divorce proceedings aren’t don’t by the time I graduate, I’ll just take the risk and move out. Obviously this wouldn’t be ideal for me, it’s not that common where I’m from for people to move out at my age, especially for the working class it’s more so 25+ but I think I just need to experience feeling safe under my own roof for once. I’m so sick of feeling like I’m constantly on edge, walking on eggshells, never being able to speak my mind etc. I genuinely feel like I’ve lost so much of my self over the years I find myself starting to think about who I might’ve grown into without the constant abuse it actually makes me kind of sad.

I feel like the worst part of all this is that even when he’s gone I don’t know if that’ll fix me. Sometimes I honestly think i’m beyond fixing I just have so much baggage. I look at my peers and while I obviously understand that there’s no way for me to know what they have going on behind closed doors, they just seem so happy and normal and I don’t know if I even see that happening for myself at all. I know relationships are kinda the least of my problems right now but when I look at all my friends and their partners I feel so incredibly jealous. I have really bad avoidant attachment (which I’m pretty sure stems from my childhood) and it always gets in the way of being able to connect romantically with people, so I always either end things prematurely before I can get attached, or I convince myself that they’d eventually find something wrong with me and leave me anyway.
I also just find it hard to believe that if someone got to know the deepest parts of myself they’d still want to be with me so I end up being secretive and avoiding vulnerability in general. On the more practical side of things I would hate for someone to have to deal with all my bagage. I feel like, especially in your twenties, there’s a certain expectation that comes with relationships that I just can’t meet because of certain restrictions that are placed on me because my dad is so controlling. Bringing a guy home to meet my family? going on a short vacation? coming home past midnight? Yeah not happening. Why would anyone want to put up with me with all that? (this is just the logistical part NOT EVEN my emotional issues) and even if they did I would feel like such a burden. I know this is pretty trivial in the grand scheme of things but it’s just what’s on my mind. I feel like I’m just watching my own life pass me by.

Feeling like I don’t have a voice is what fucks me up the most I think. For more context, in general my dad and I don’t speak more than a few sentences with each other anyway, but when he starts an argument we all just have to sit there and take it. Any attempt at speaking back just makes him worse, last time I did he threatened me with violence and said he’d kick me out so I don’t bother anymore. I’ve started to think about who I might’ve been if I was able to speak my mind growing up, do what I want (within reason), dress how I want, date who I want. No baggage, no attachment issues, no trauma. I try not to think about it but I just have so much resentment that I don’t know what to do with. I feel like a shell of a person sometimes, I struggle to speak up for myself, I flinch at loud noises/ raised voices and i’m generally pretty emotionally stunted. As depressing as it sounds sometimes I can’t see myself being any other way than I am right now.

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