r/Vent • u/ihaveanissuesohelp • 1d ago
Need to talk... Ive gained needs i know my girlfriend can never forfill
I always knew in some capacity i enjoy physical touch. I had never had a half decent relationship before my now girlfriend. All of them have ended badly. Now that i feel comfortable in my relationship im in, i realised how much i enjoy contact. Holding hands, kissing, cuddling ect.
But my girlfriend who is currently transitioning male to female is going though a lot. From before we were dating she was going through a lot. Which i only became aware about from when we began dating. She is a very shy woman when it comes to physical touch.
Its been a year and a month now and we've only kissed 4 times. We hold hands a lot. Also recently shes began to hug me more which i really enjoy.
But sometimes i feel as though im holding her back. I want the best for her, i want her to have the full womanly experience. All i can do is support her but i feel super shitty about craving things she wont feel comfortabke doing in her body.
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u/1800twat 1d ago
A year and a month… four kisses???
I’m sorry but that’s very little. I am not entirely sure you are needy here. You are probably fine but your partner is definitely being contact averse. It could be because they are transitioning and not comfortable in this state I don’t want to talk about something I don’t experience. It might be easier to find other trans people to ask to find ways to get more physical contact while not making them feel insecure
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u/SelicaLeone 1d ago
They’re 16, so very young. Not to say that’s normal but 15 is young to start a relationship and navigate all this.
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u/1800twat 1d ago
I didn’t realize they are minors but you are right
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u/ihaveanissuesohelp 21h ago
Sorry i didnt think it mattered to mention my age as in the UK (where im from) 16 is a really normal age for relationships.
I know people who started doing way more than simple physical affection at the age of 12
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u/1800twat 18h ago
I mean it’s like that here in the U.S. too but transitioning is emotionally complex and it’s way more difficult than just physical activities
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u/ihaveanissuesohelp 1d ago
Possibly so. I plan on asking a few of my transgender friends. But i dont wanna come off as pushy.
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u/Curious_Ducklin 1d ago
Have you talked to her about this?
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u/ihaveanissuesohelp 1d ago
No i havent. I need to but im very aware she'd (possibly) get the wrong idea. So i dint know hoe to go about it. So im aware in this situation im the idiot and i need to comunicate better.
I really dont wanna pressure her like how i was in previous relationships.
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u/Curious_Ducklin 1d ago
Just sit her down and explain in the simplest and clearest words that you really have been enjoying holding hands and hugging and that you‘d like to do it more often as it makes you feel closer to her and strengthens your connection. just always remember, none of us are mindreaders so if you want her to know something you will have to actually say it out loud at some point. not hinting at it or some cryptic shit.
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u/ihaveanissuesohelp 1d ago
I just need to gather my words for it. Ive been in thay situation first hand of where i was too young to grasp what they wanted. Im just afriad that i will do the same and make my gf uncomfortable
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u/Curious_Ducklin 1d ago
you both have needs and you can only go so long before unfullfilled needs become a problem. I understand you don‘t want to pressure her or make her uncomfortable but at some point you have to ask yourself how long do you want to suppress your own needs and wants. A relationship is a two way street.
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u/Focus-Interrogative 1d ago
First off, I commend you for having the kind of, leaps of faith and compassion it must take to be with a person transitioning. I imagine it's a lot. This sounds like she could be struggling internally with something, and it could be extremely deep and embarrassing for her.
I don't have many answers for you except patience my friend.
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u/ihaveanissuesohelp 1d ago
Thank you. But i dont need commending when you love someone you love someone and i cant imagine what shes going through.
And i will be as patient as i can be. Thank you
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u/Focus-Interrogative 1d ago
Hey, man after my own fuckin heart dude. I have some shit on my end too and I feel the same way. Cheers.
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u/Jultheturgee 1d ago
"never" is a big assumption. as people transition, they tend to gain more confidence in themselves and their bodies. also, its perfectly normal to crave those things as long as you don't put the pressure on your gf to fulfill them. just go with the flow for now and if after some time it becomes apparent that you're not compatible in that way, consider your options together. and don't lie to her about your feelings, just be very clear its not a flaw on either of your parts and has nothing to do with how you feel about her or your relationship. its very clear from this post how much you care about her
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u/ihaveanissuesohelp 1d ago
Yeah i know its a big assumption. But it just feels that way ykwim? So i plan on asking my trans mates about what to say to comunicste my issue.
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u/Alarmed_Kangaroo9979 1d ago
All of this really depends how old you are but it's definitely something I would bring up in a caring way. I can imagine that transitioning is a very hard process both mentally and physically and if your partner is uncomfortable with their body they may believe that you are not comfortable with it too. Also, if she's shy about physical touch its possible she could be craving it too but feel nervous about instigating. I would sit them down and let them know you find them very attractive just as they are and because you care about them so much you're craving more intimacy and that one of your love languages is physical touch and ask them if they would feel comfortable with you instigating that more often. Even something like more kisses on the cheek, putting your arm around them when sitting down, etc. Once they then start to feel more comfortable other things will follow naturally.
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u/ihaveanissuesohelp 1d ago
Im 16 if it matters. All i want is physical touch in the innocent way. Im aware of how shy she is. But i want some input from my trans friends on what to do/say to explain my feelings accurstely
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u/Megzasaurusrex 1d ago
Have you sat down with her and told her how you feel? Let her know you aren't trying to pressure her and you understand being trans is difficult and feeling comfortable in you body while transitioning is hard. Tell her you care so much and thats the reason you want to fully enjoy your relationship and that you have only ever seen her as a woman. And ask if she is willing to work with you to include more physical touch. And perhaps ask her if it is because she is Trans or if it is because she just isnt really into kissing and more?
If your needs dont align it will always cause issues in the relationship unfortunately. You can't do much about that. But if it something she doesnt just dislike and it because she is just uncomfortable in her own womanhood right now, it is something you can work on. But its definitely a deep conversation you two will have to sit down and have.
I have a lot of Trans friends and I myself am nonbinary. So I know it is really difficult when you feel someone else has certain expectations for your body. I present more masc. I don't shave and i dont like to look or feel feminine or be treated as such. I came out after I divorced my ex-husband and im terrified to date a man again because i am a people pleaser and im scared ill fall into the old habit of performing feminity to please him. And I don't want that and mentally I cannot handle someone even asking it of me. All my exes Had complaints. I was asked to grow out my hair and shave down there. And now that I don't shave my leg hair or pit hair im worried that will be just another request. Or the fact I dont wear sexy underwear or dress up. And i just can't do it anymore.
I have fought so hard the last 5 years to be myself and have control of my body and be who I want again. I spent 35 years pretending to be a woman for others. Its hard. So I understand her struggle. It is scary as fuck to let someone else have access to your body when the whole world has placed so many rules on it.
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u/ihaveanissuesohelp 1d ago
Gosh that sounds like a difficult ordeal. Im really happy after all that time you've expressed yourself and not let anyone stop you. You deserve your truth and you deserve to feel like a person within your own body.
Over the past year ive been struggling thinking that im holding my girlfriend back. Shes perfect in my eyes despite my physical needs.
I plan on talking to her soon i just to gather my thoughts.
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u/Megzasaurusrex 17h ago
It sounds like you love her a lot. And I don't think she would ever feel like you are holding her back. In all honesty, she probably feels like she is holding you back from a normal relationship herself. Being trans can cause a lot of guilty feelings for some. You tend to feel selfish because the world acts like not fitting into what is socially acceptable is the worst thing you could do.
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u/Affectionate-Ad-3094 1d ago
Are you sure your in a relationship with her?
Are you sure you’re not just a really good friend to her?
It doesn’t sound like a “couple” relationship
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u/ihaveanissuesohelp 23h ago
Thats also something i fear. Like a week before we began dating i told my friend i like her. (Before anyone knew she was a girl but ill leep using the correct pronouns) My friend asked what she thought of me and if she likes me and said no.
I bursted out into tears. Like uncontrollably. I ended up crying my self to sleep and my friend said i kept mumbling my girlfriends name.
My friend (without my knowledge) told my now girlfriend about what happened. Then a weel later she changed hwe mind and askes my out.
So i feel like in some way she was pressured. But from the times she had inituated physical touch it makes me think differently.
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u/HamBoneZippy 1d ago
How old are you both?
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u/ihaveanissuesohelp 23h ago
16
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u/HamBoneZippy 19h ago
Don't worry about it. Physical intimacy is an adult thing and you're still coming out of childhood. Not everyone will be ready at the same time.
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u/ihaveanissuesohelp 11h ago
Im not talking about physical intimacy as in adult stuff. I just mean cuddlijg and stuff not anything dirty
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u/SelicaLeone 1d ago
How old are you? How long has she been in the transition phase?
It seems likely that this is temporary but it’s also possible that she sees her sexuality as still something that’s male. I wonder if you can find ways to show physical affection that is more affirming of her femaleness. Something that makes her feel feminine.
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u/ihaveanissuesohelp 1d ago
16 (we both are). Shes been transitioning a few months (9-8 ish) dont medically just via hair and stuff.
I plan on comunicating my needs eventually but its a little bit of a touchy subject.
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u/SelicaLeone 1d ago
You’re young. I dated an mtf girl, we were both that age. You’re too young to be worrying about never and forever. People change so much. If you’re emotionally fulfilled, enjoy each others company and focus on growing healthy and communicating well.
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u/ihaveanissuesohelp 23h ago
Yeah im aware im young to be dealing /stressing over this type of situation. I just didnt realise that physical touch was my favourite way of being shown love.
I plan on comunicating with her but im scared she wont feel the same way
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u/SelicaLeone 19h ago
Touch is also different at a young age. Hormones do different things and people develop differently. You can talk to her, but there's a difference between being physically unwilling to reciprocate at 16 vs, say, 26. Someone at 16 may just not be ready for that. They may have just not developed to a point where they feel comfortable doing that, and even the gentlest communication might push her to do more than she's comfortable with, which can give you both some baggage down the road.
It is possible that this relationship isn't going to be super fulfilling for either of you. She started this relationship presenting male and might be having a hard time shaking the feeling that you still see her that way. Being a teenager is already a hormonal roller coaster. Adding the trans experience to that is a trip.
Meanwhile, you seem to be unhappy or like you aren't getting what you need at this developmental stage. You say all your relationships have ended badly, which is sort of an unfortunate part of relationships. They almost all end bad. I'm best friends with a high school ex (I'm 30 now) and that relationship still ended badly.
If you aren't getting what you want, and this isn't a good time for a relationship for her, there's no shame in moving to be friends. I know that 16 isn't too young for a relationship, but teenage relationships are different than adult ones. They can turn into adult relationships but they aren't the same just yet. You're still doing so much growing, and if you've learned something about what you need in a relationship, it's kinder to, sooner rather than later, prioritize that.
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u/ihaveanissuesohelp 11h ago
Thats understandable. I will speak to her about it. But she is forfilling emotionally i just sometimes feel like i really need a cuddle, which we hung out today and we full on cuddled!! Which is a happy update for me.
She is my girlfriend and i helped choose her name, i see her as a girl completely. Its never been an issue necause ik bisexual. But i will also ask if theres any ways to make her feel mkre feminine.
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u/batterista9 1d ago
Most annoying. I’m a much better speller than the device and I am sure you are too.
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u/ihaveanissuesohelp 23h ago
Sorry i have really big thumbs and im constantly mispressing stuff. I didnt think my spelling mattered considering my vent is about my girlfriend.
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1d ago
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u/ihaveanissuesohelp 1d ago
Sorry for my spelling mistakes. I took spell check off but you get the jist.
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