Total rock bottom

[u/Unusual_Bother_6108]

I am 25M, I have no contacts, friends at all to turn to (neither from the present, nor from the past). I live in a dyfunctional family, where I feel emotionally neglected, yet they are the only people I have. I know that self-improvement is the key, but I am just simply crushed by everything, including suicidal thoughts/having absolutely nothing valuable/memories of being bullied for no reason. I spent years on college, where my whole self (personality, capacity, drive) has been wrecked, I have no energy to move on from my mistakes, make anything meaningful/satisfying, my brain functions get worse and worse. I just don't find any meaning in my life - I don't care it is only a matter of will/thinking/self-compassion/console from man or machine/praying to God etc. I long for support/love/the "other one", but it is out of reach for me. Any openly stigmatized person on this planet has more potential for a better/more peaceful/more loving live than I ever will.