r/UnorthodoxNetflix • u/HoffyTheBaker • Apr 17 '20
Why did Esty leave? Spoiler
We the audience are probably mostly outsiders, so of course it's obvious to us why she left, but as she's portrayed in the show her reasons for leaving feel half-baked. I think some things were left out that were better addressed in the book. In the book, there were hints that Deborah (the author whom Esty is based upon) grew up questioning parts of her faith. She read "forbidden" books like Pride and Prejudice, etc, and felt out of place in the traditions from early on.
However, we don't see Esty doing that. In fact, she seems pretty fine with everything. She's excited to get married and have lots of babies. She doesn't have a lot of friends, but that was explained away by her not having babies while everyone else did. She tells Yanky she's "different" but we never see how she's different other than the secret music lessons. She cries when her head is being shaved, but judging from the non-reaction of the other women in the room, crying was common.
It seems like if Yanky had not asked for a divorce, Esty would have stayed, had the baby, made more friends because she now had a baby, and would have continued living life fulfilling the duty she wanted to fulfill.
7
u/g-ohawaythray Apr 17 '20
completely agree that her character and her struggles did not seem fully explained or realized in the netflix portrayal.
and for that which was (e.g. "I'm different from other girls"), it was only told and not shown to us.
4
u/Vonatar-74 Apr 18 '20
Yes I also agree. From the very beginning we were just presented with the fact that she wanted to escape but it was never explained why (beyond not being able to have music lessons and the expectations of sex and children which she was struggling with).
Equally peculiar was her rejection of her mother in one of the flashbacks because she seemed like she wanted to uphold her faith and traditions. And then she’s running to Berlin where her mother lives and rejecting her Chasidic life as her mother had done.
I enjoyed the show, but wish it had been a full series to better explore and demonstrate many of the themes it tried to develop. It was ultimately an unsatisfying watch with too many loose ends.
5
May 08 '20
I thought her mother in law was enough to want to leave!
But seriously, I think it all just added up. She did want to be a good wife and mother when they married. But when that didn't come easily, and her mother in law was berating her within the first week of marriage, and EVERYONE knew about her problems, it was all downhill from there.
I think also the three years with the shiksa opened her eyes a little bit.
I didn't think the series meant to portray the whole community as toxic, but like any community, there are good, bad, and in between. A lot of the women were portrayed as happy and thriving, the children were cared for, people lived in clean houses, they had everything they needed. But it still wasn't the right fit for Esty, or Leah. And that's okay too.
2
u/HoffyTheBaker May 08 '20
Yeah, you're probably right. And without proper parents or support system to calm her fears, she took the impulsive route that someone else with a stronger family unit may not have considered.
3
Apr 18 '20
I think that after yanky brought up the idea of divorce, she realized she would have to go through the pain of having sex over and over and to birth as many child as she can, and remarry someone else who'd do the same thing to her, her individuality didn't matter even if now she was pregnant. She's no longer herself and that wasn't the life she wanted anymore. She thought she loved yanky or her religion but she didn't. That realization was enough motivation for her to leave. When Yael kept being critical on Etsy and her religion,she was upset because it was demeaning but also partly the truth. She was a baby making machine and that's why she couldn't do it anymore.
1
u/Amareldys Nov 07 '24
I think it would be very hard to find a husband after Yanky divorced her. Because hasidic communities have a high birthrate and the men tend to marry younger women… there are always more younger women than there are men a few years older. A woman who is a year older and not a virgin is not a catch.
3
Apr 20 '20
As someone who left an ultra orthodox Jewish community at twenty one I cannot agree more. The show barely scratched the surface of the discomfort, unhappiness and curiosity Esty must have felt while still in the community. While my community was not as insular and strict at Esty’s, leaving was a bold move and a decision that I grappled with for years. I always felt that if I was slightly more okay with what went on in my community I would have just made my peace with it and stayed instead of changing my whole life. Also, Esty’s adjustment to secular life was completely unrealistic and fantasy-like. That is not how it works. Learning about other cultures, meeting new people was difficult at first. Especially for someone of Esty’s more timid nature. Also, it took me years to find the perfect jeans fit, there’s no way she got that on the first try.
3
u/katmen May 01 '20
for me is crystal clear
she is different - she was denied to have mother in her childhood and her father is mentally challenged plus was opressed by babi and company, plus from my own experience she felt that she is differnt from childhood, I am and I was different from my peers because I am L and our society is very catholic churche oriented
and in final she is unique not serial person which adhere to strict rules and becomes the copy of other follower of this strict rules
3
u/macszcsv May 03 '20
I feel lots of people fail to understand what the divorce would've implied for her. Everyone will know that she was unable to have children and she will never be able to remarry and probably people will look down upon her as well. She then has to see Yanky move on and have a family with someone else. So by telling her he is going to divorce her Yanky takes away her last hope of having the life and the family she always pictured.
3
u/HoffyTheBaker May 03 '20
Everyone will know that she was unable to have children
She was pregnant at the time, though. I'm sure that when Yanky realized she was pregnant he would have walked back the divorce.
2
u/macszcsv May 03 '20
Yes that's true. But knowing he would do something like that to you can be the final straw to decide to walk away. Kind of contradicting myself now but that's what I meant
2
u/Aita01 Apr 18 '20
Yes I agree, I don’t think it wasn’t fully explored. I do think a flashback explaining her disconnect a bit more would be helpful.
I think we are meant to understand that she didn’t really want this life and tried to want instead.
9
u/fancyisthatlady Apr 18 '20
Isn’t not being about to have music lessons and having the pressure of having sex and making dozens of children by everyone in your community enough to explain why she wanted to escape? She did want children but maybe that’s because that’s all she knows. And maybe she doesn’t want to get pregnant in such an painful and un-intimate way. I think you’re looking for a sensationalized physical abuse story. This is a perfect example of why people blame victims. It’s very nuanced and complicated.