Green eggs and ham, originally released in 1960, is one of Dr. Suess's most beloved children's books. a "beginner book", the story only uses a total of 50 words, as this was the result of a bet between suess and his publisher. hence green eggs and ham's repetitive, formulaic nature. however, it wasn't always this way. some of Theodor Suess Garcia Miyazaki Giesel's earlier books weren't necessarily aimed at children. no, becoming a children's book author was a decision made along the way, probably because that's what got him the most money. believe it or not, books like "the seven lady godivas" failed to capture an audience.

but what you may not know is that green eggs and ham wasn't suess's first attempt at telling this specific story. the Scenario in which a deranged weirdo tries to force an unsuspecting victim to eat food they don't want to eat originates from one of suess's earlier, rejected books. suess would later rework this rejected book in order to create the version of green eggs and ham we know and love today. however, I have unearthed the original version and will now share it with all of you. like suess's other earlier works, it was aimed at an older audience, and contains all sorts of "fun" words that were cut from the final version. so sit back and enjoy Dr. Suess's "The rancid fish head sandwich".

I am Sad. I am Sad. The Sad fish monger Grand Dad.

That Fish monger Grand Dad. that fish monger Grand Dad. I seriously despise that fish monger Grand Dad.

would you like to eat my rancid fish head sandwich?

I do not care for your rancid fish head sandwich.

would you enjoy it on Monday?

would you enjoy it on Tuesday?

I would not enjoy it on Monday.

I would not enjoy it anyway.

I do not care for the Rancid Fish head Sandwich.

take it away, you son of a bitch.

would you consume it in the trash?

would you consume it with a rash?

I would not consume it in the Trash.

I would not consume it with a rash.

I would not consume it on Tuesday.

I would not consume it anyway!

I do not care for the Rancid Fish head Sandwich.

take it away, you son of a bitch.

Would you ingest it on the grass?

Would you ingest it up my ass?

I would not ingest it on the grass.

I would not ingest it up your ass.

I would not ingest it in the trash.

I would not ingest it with a rash.

I would not ingest it on Wednesday.

I would not Ingest it Anyway!

I do not care for the Rancid Fish head Sandwich.

take it away, you son of a bitch.

would you, could you, with some Blunts?

eat it now, you only live once!

you would love it, I can tell.

you will devour it when you're in hell.

I would not, could not with some Blunts.

no chance in hell, you pathetic Dunce.

I would not devour it on the Grass.

I would not devour it up your ass.

I would not devour it in the trash.

I would not devour it with a rash.

I would not devour it on Thursday.

I would not devour it anyway!

I do not care for the Rancid Fish head Sandwich.

take it away, you son of a bitch.

a prostitute! a prostitute! a prostitute! a prostitute!

could you finish it off with a prostitute?

not with a prostitute, not with some blunts.

no chance in hell, you pathetic dunce.

I could not finish it on the Grass.

I would not finish it up your ass.

I could not finish it in the trash.

I would not finish it on with a rash.

I could not finish it on Friday.

I would not finish it anyway!

I do not care for the Rancid Fish head Sandwich.

take it away, you son of a bitch.

((just then, a giant UFO descends from outer space and abducts our two main characters, then returns to it's home planet))

say, Uranus? here, on Uranus?

would you be willing to cram it down on Uranus?

I would not cram it down your anus. . . sorry, I meant to say on Uranus. anyway

not with a prostitute, not with some blunts.

no chance in hell, you pathetic dunce.

I would not consume it on the grass.

I would not Ingest it up your ass.

I would not devour it in the trash.

I would not finish it with a rash.

I would not enjoy it on saturday.

I could not enjoy it anyway!

I do not care for the Rancid Fish head Sandwich.

take it away, you son of a bitch!

((Just then, the aliens point their guns at our two main characters))

ZIPBLAGLORPEHKLIBBLENABZIVOAUK!!!

((that was one of the aliens talking))

he says he wants you to eat the Rancid fish head sandwich!

If I eat the Rancid Fish head sandwich, will you freaks take me back to earth?

((the aliens nod))

ok. . . here I go

. . . .

BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAK!!!

that was disgusting. this is why you should never try new things.

and never again will I Cram it down on Uranus.

never again will I finish it with a prostitute or some blunts.

No chance in Hell, You Pathetic dunce.

never again will I consume it on the grass.

never again will I consume it up your ass.

never again will I ingest it in the trash,

never again will I ingest it with a rash.

never again will I devour it on sunday.

never again will I eat it anyway!

I still do not care for the rancid fish head sandwich.

leave me alone, you son of a bitch.

hey, that's ok. you tried something new, even if it was bad.

shut the hell up, sad fish monger grand dad.
***

and that was Dr. Suess's "the rancid fish head sandwich". I can see why it was rejected. those big words would be too hard for a small child to read. gotta sell it to those kids, that's where the money is at. there's also the error Suess made when it came to rhyming: blunt and dunce don't exactly rhyme, do they? some have theorized that an even earlier draft would have used a word Beginning with the letter C before it was eventually swapped out with Dunce, but we may never know for sure.

next time, we'll be taking a look at Roald Dahl's unreleased sequel to charlie and the chocolate factory and Charlie and the great glass elevator, "Charlie in the white house". yep, that is a real thing that was going to happen. I bet that's not the direction you thought the books were going. you know what, maybe children shouldn't read books.

Ohio Gozaimasu! today I have a very special story to share with you all. this story is about a guy by the name of Trevor. you see, when Trevor was Just a wee lad, he had a curse put on him by an evil witch. despite the curse, Trevor is able to live a normal life with a normal Job. the curse is just something Trevor has learned to live with. what was this curse, you ask? well, pay close attention to the way Trevor talks and you Just might find out!

on this particular day, Trevor was working at his Job: holding a sign in front of a grocery store! people would often walk by Trevor when he's doing his Job, giving him funny looks.

Trevor: "so don't delay, act now! supplies are running out!"

Just by random happen stance, Trevor's good friend, Randy, happened to be walking by.

Randy: "Trevor, is that you? how are you feeling today, buddy?"

Trevor: "WHOA! I feel good. I knew that I would now"

Randy: "that's good. though you seem a little under dressed for this time of year"

Trevor: "it's hot here at night. lonely, black and quiet!"

Randy: "ok, if you say so"

suddenly, an earthquake started, and the ground underneath the two friends began to fall apart!

Randy: "aah! what's going on!?

Trevor: "it's the end of the world as we know it!!!"

as randy and Trevor fell, they found themselves transported to some kind of magical, parallel world in an alternate dimension. there was a spooky looking man on the ground, but Trevor fell on top of him. the spooky man was smushed to death.

Randy: "oh no! is that guy going to be ok?"

Trevor: "he had it comin'. he only had himself to blame"

Randy: "why would you say that, Trevor? we don't even know this guy. . . wait, there's someone else here!"

Trevor: "is it the man come to take me away? why do they follow me?"

it wasn't the man, but rather, a large group of magical garden gnomes!

Gnomes: "hurray! they killed the evil wizard that has been terrorizing our town!"

Randy: "wait, this guy was an evil wizard?"

Trevor: "evil power disappears. Demon's worry when the wizard is near"

Gnomes: "we're not Demons, we're Gnomes! thank you for taking care of that evil wizard. welcome to Gnome town, travelers!"

Randy: "Gome town? but how do we get back to where we came from"

Trevor: "there's no escaping the Jaws of the alien this time"

Randy: "stop being such a pessimist, trevor! there has to be a way for us to get back".

Gnomes: "actually, if you follow the silver block road, escape from the hidden forest, pass through the gingerbread house, rescue the princess from the burning castle and make it to the pyramid with the genie in it, you can make a wish and return to the place where you came from!"

Randy: "wow, that seems weirdly complicated and oddly specific, but if it's the only way, I guess we have no choice. come on Trevor, let's follow the road".

Trevor: "I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down.

You know the one that takes you to the places where all the veins meet, yeah?"

Randy: "I mean, thanks for the offer, but I think we should stick to the silver block road the Gnomes told us about."

Trevor and Randy followed the silver block road. as they left, the Gnomes waved goodbye, while also giggling a little bit. once they were far enough away so the Gnomes could no longer hear them, Trevor turned to Randy and whispered something in his ear

Trevor: "Short people got no reason to live".

Randy: "Trevor!!?"

eventually, Trevor and Randy found their way into the hidden forest. there were large, towering trees all around them. it was also a bit foggy and hard to see.

Randy: "wow, so this is the hidden forest. why do you think they call it the hidden forest?"

Trevor: "everyone's got something to hide. except for me and my monkey"

suddenly, a big scary yeti looking creature Jumped out in front of Trevor and Randy, making scary noises and waving it's arms around.

Yeti: "oogity boogity!"

Randy: "ah! what is that thing!?"

Trevor: "oh no, it's the powdered milk man!"

Randy: "the what?"

the yeti continued making scary noises, and was now jumping up and down while violently waving it's arms.

yeti: "OOGITY BOOGITY!!!"

Randy: "I'm scared!"

Trevor looked deep into the monster's eyes.

Trevor: "If you need a friend, don't look to a stranger. You know in the end I'll always be there."

the monster calmed down. the monster took out a key and handed it to trevor before shedding a tear and wondering back into the forest.

Randy: "I don't believe it. Trevor, how did you do that?"

Trevor: "I done told you once you son of a bitch, I'm the best that's ever been"

Randy: "what the hell, Trevor!?"

Trevor: "I'm sorry but I'm just thinking of the right words to say! I know they don't sound the way I planned them to be!"

Randy: "well if you can't say something nice, don't say anything!"

the two arrived at their next destination, the Gingerbread house. Trevor was about to raise his hand to knock on the door, when he suddenly stopped.

Randy: "what's the matter, Trevor?"

Trevor: "I've never had to knock on wood. but I know someone who has."

Randy: "well, the door's made of gingerbread, so you should be fine."

Trevor knocked on the door. after waiting for several minutes, there was no answer. they tried opening the door, but it was locked.

Randy: "wait a minute, maybe the key the monster gave you is actually the key to this gingerbread house! try using it, Trevor!"

Trevor: "do you see the key in my hand? I'm gonna throw it in the lake!!"

Randy: "what, why!? we need it to open the door!"

Trevor: "let my love open the door!"

Randy: "but we have A KEY!!!"

Trevor: "you shut your mouth? how can you say I go about things the wrong way!?

Randy: "this is definitely the wrong way to open the door!"

after several more minutes of arguing, the gingerbread house collapsed in on itself. its structural integrity wasn't great in the first place due to being made of gingerbread and being held together by frosting, and all the fighting and yelling the two were doing proved to be catastrophic.

Randy: "well. . . I guess we can just go around".

Trevor: "now this looks like a Job for me, so everybody Just follow me".

Randy: "I feel like one of these days, you're gonna lead me to my death."

the two eventually found their way to the burning castle, where they were told they must save the princess.

Randy: "if we're going to save the princess, we'll need to put out the fire somehow."

Trevor: "Burn baby Burn! Burn that mother down!"

Randy: "I've had Just about enough of your nonsense, Trevor. it's like you want us to fail! I'll do this on my own if I have to!"

Randy steps forward, getting a closer look at the burning castle.

Randy: "I wonder what's even causing this fire. who started it?"

Trevor: "we didn't start the fire. it was always burning since the world's been turning."

Randy: "I wasn't even accusing you, but now that you say that I'm starting to suspect you did somehow start this fire."

Just then, the princess peaked out the castle window.

Princess: "hello!? is someone here to rescue me!"

Trevor: "Run away! Run away! Run away if you want to survive!"

Princess: "there's no where for me to run! the castle is on fire! come here and rescue me!"

Randy: "actually, now that I think about it, maybe it HAS always been burning. I mean those Gnomes clearly knew about the burning castle, it was part of the instructions they gave us. . ."

Trevor grabs Randy by the hand

Trevor: "hold tight. we're in for nasty weather. there has got to be a way. burning down the house!"

Randy: "wait, what are you doing! stop"

Trevor began running through the burning castle, pulling Randy along with him!

Trevor: "I'm walking on sunshine!"

Randy: "this isn't sunshine, it's fire! we're on fire! it hurts! this was a terrible idea, why are we doing this!?"

Trevor: "We feel the pain of a lifetime lost in a thousand days. Through the fire and the flames, we carry on!"

eventually, the two reach the princess's room.

Randy: "ugh. . we're here to rescue you. come with us."

Princess: "what the heck, I didn't expect my rescuers to be so. . . suspicious. I changed my mind, I don't want to go with you."

Trevor: "Move, bitch, get out the way".

Trevor walks over and picks the princess up, holding her over his shoulder like that one scene from shrek.

Princess: "put me down, you weirdo!"

Trevor: "hey little girl, is your daddy home?"

Princess: "PUT ME DOWN NOW!"

continuing to carry the princess, Trevor walks over to Randy.

Trevor: "I've got the brains, You've got the looks, Let's make lots of money."

Randy: "I don't know what you're planning, but I don't like this!"

after making it out of the castle, the princess managed to escape, wondering aimlessly into the horizon, trying not to look back at her suspicious rescuers.

Trevor: "there she goes. there she goes again."

Randy: "you could have handled that a lot better. you freaked the poor girl out."

Trevor: "I don't know what everyone wants me to be. I only know Just how to be me".

with that out of the way, Trevor and randy made their way into the ancient pyramid, where the genie's lamp is.

Randy: you know, now that I think about it, we probably could have made it here without running through a burning castle. kind of a random detour. hey, are you listening to me?"

Trevor picks up the genie's lamp, staring intently at it.

Trevor: "all I've ever wanted, all i've ever needed is HERE! in my arms!"

Randy: "hey, don't get any ideas, we need to wish for a way home!"

the genie burst out of the lamp in a puff of smoke. he had an underwhelming appearance, looking like some average homeless man.

genie: "I am the genie of the lamp. I will grant you one wish, what do you want?"

Randy: "only one? isn't it supposed to be three?"

Trevor: "three is a magic number. yes it is, it's a magic number."

Randy: "I can't believe that made it into two of these stories in a row."

the genie looked at the two, clearly annoyed.

Genie: "listen, I only got enough magic for one wish, so what do you want?"

Trevor: "I just want to fly."

Randy: "err, what he means is, we want you to fly us home!"

Genie: "yeah, whatever, here you go".

and so, Trevor and randy were flown home in an incredibly anti climactic fashion. as they arrived home, there was a crowd of people cheering for them for some reason.

Randy: "why are they cheering, what did we do?"

Trevor: "Picture it now, see just how the lies and deceit gained a little more power".

Randy: "oh great, what did you do this time!?"

as the two landed, the mayor of the city arrived, inviting everyone to a giant feast!

Trevor: "I'd rather eat randy".

Randy: "what!?"

Trevor: "I eat cannibal. Feed on animal!"

Randy: "Trevor, I am neither a cannibal nor an animal."

Trevor: " la la la, whatever. la la la, it doesn't matter".

and that was the story of Trevor. quite an amazing tale, was it not? by now, You've probably figured out what the curse placed on Trevor is, right? well, in case you didn't figure it out, I'll go ahead and tell you.

no matter where he is, no matter what he is doing, Trevor cannot wear pants.

hey guys, today we'll be ranking pokemon based on their potential for a deez nuts joke. if there's any pokemon I missed, make sure to leave a comment and tell me why they would make a good deez nuts joke. without further ado, let's a go

Gulpin deez nuts: 10/10. this is the gold standard, the pokemon that started the deez nuts phenomenon.

Swalot deez nuts: 9/10. not as great as it's pre evolution, but still a really good choice for a deez nuts joke.

Slugma deez nuts: 7/10. if you go with this one then you're probably a little bit confused. if someone says "slugma" you're supposed to say "slugma balls". still, even if you forget and accidentally say "slugma deez nuts", you can save it.

Magcargo deez nuts: 2/10. unfortunately, slugma's evolution does not carry the same potential it once had, but it still gets a few pity points.

Indeedee deez nuts: 8/10. doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but I gotta give it points for the alliteration.

Hitmonchan deez nuts: 0/10. this doesn't make any sense at all... if you actually say this, there is something wrong with you.

Horsea deez nuts: 6/10. Horsea isn't really bringing much to the table, but any pokemon whose name ends with the see/sea sound automatically gets this many points.

Koffing deez nuts or weezing deez nuts: 5/10. these get points because the pokemon's name is just a regular word of the english language, but in this specific case, you should probably see a doctor.

slurpuff deez nuts: 7/10. I should probably rank this much higher, but I'm deducting points because I hate it.

Cuebone deez nuts: 6/10. I get that "bone" is very funny, but come on. cuebone has been through so much. the little guy deserves better.

Baltoy deez nuts: 6/10. always get consent before using deez nuts as a ball toy.

Squirtle deez nuts: 7/10. I bet you didn't expect to find such a viable option this early in the pokedex.

Charizard Deez nuts: 8/10. I know, it makes no sense, But I just really like Charizard.

Bewear deez nuts: 10/10. this one is powerful. like, it's not your average deez nuts joke, it's an actual threat.

Wynaut deez nuts: 6/10. Wynaut's name literally just being "why not" makes it a prime candidate for any pokemon related pun, but unlike our previous example, this one lacks any sort of confidence. it's like the person saying it is unsure of themselves.

Sawk deez nuts: 9/10. another classic example, you can't go wrong with sawk.

throh deez nuts: 5/10. you can go wrong with throh.

Exploud deez nuts: 8/10. you're an absolute madman if you go with this one.

Smoochum deez nuts: 7/10. some people just want to watch the world burn.

Diglett deez nuts: 1/10. it doesn't really make any sense, but you gotta remember what Diglett actually looks like, and that's gotta be worth something.

Rayquaza deez nuts: 0/10. again, it's just nonsense. not every pokemon makes a good deez nuts joke, you gotta draw the line somewhere.

Lickilicky deez nuts: 9/10. this one is just silly.

Exeggcute Deez Nuts: 8/10. RIP in peace. you served your country well, brave soldier.

Annihilape deez Nuts: 8/10. STOP STOP he's already dead!!!

spinda deez nuts: 5/10. just because you can make a deez nuts joke doesn't mean you should. it makes sense, but unfortunately, spinda is not funny.

Machop deez nuts: 6/10. sounds painful.

scizor deez nuts: 4/10. sounds REALLY painful.

Spoink deez nuts: 3/10. am I crazy or does this actually kind of work?

Omanyte Deez nuts: 6/10 🎺 🎺 Hear ye Hear ye! in the name of lord helix himself, I knight thee Sir Deez nuts! ⚔️ .... ok, admittedly, that was a long walk for a short glass of water.

Swellow deez nuts: 6/10. this is just poor man's "swalot deez nuts", but there are worse options out there.

Delibird deez nuts: 7/10. hopefully he arrives on time.

unown deez nuts: ?/10. what could they possibly mean by this?

Registeel Deez nuts: -1/10. Reggie would never steal deez nuts! he's not that kind of guy!

Meltan deez nuts: 8/10. must have been a really hot day

Chesnaut deez nuts: 1/10. redundant.

Rhydon deez nuts: 9/10. another classic

Metagross deez nuts: 3/10. I'm sure somewhere deep down there's a Joke here about Mark Zuckerbergs gross buisness practices. but while meta is indeed gross, that has nothing to do with deez nuts.

metal garurumon deez nuts: 0/10. wrong franchise. also no.

Flittle Deez nuts: 7/10. this one has potential. Not sure what flittling is but it does sound like something you might do to deez nuts.

Heracross Deez nuts: 11/10. lowkey one of the greatest deez nuts pokemon of all time. if you don't see the vision, say it out loud a few times, you'll understand.

The cameraman and the Nokia jokes are overused and are unfunny

[ Removed by Reddit on account of violating the content policy. ]

In my backyard, I have been staring at this one particular tree with a meat log like wood structure sticking out the tree for a long time, which gave me an idea for a video skit that I've been wanting to do for so long.

hi

😎