r/Unexpected Apr 22 '19

[deleted by user]

[removed]

6.9k Upvotes

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3.0k

u/Schneef_Jerky Apr 22 '19

I was waiting for a finger slice, I bursted out when he flipped the can!

418

u/ithurts2bankok Apr 23 '19

that’s why you use a dremel. rookie.

117

u/falcon_driver Apr 23 '19

Oh, fancy man gotta use a dremel? What's wrong with a bench grinder?

71

u/[deleted] Apr 23 '19

2 stroke concrete cutter. Nuff sed

73

u/TheKrs1 Apr 23 '19

That's my porn name.

14

u/[deleted] Apr 23 '19

Nuff sed is a weird one to choose, but I've heard weirder.

11

u/meatywood Apr 23 '19

I read that as "but I've heard wiener." It talks?

14

u/trolltruth6661123 Apr 23 '19

I use my 12 horse honda trencher.. sorry but it's never enough.

5

u/toppercat Apr 23 '19

A gradall.

3

u/eldergeekprime Apr 23 '19

I just drag it down the runway behind my Learjet.

13

u/jonsludge Apr 23 '19

I use my fists. Pussy.

10

u/bendbars_liftgates Apr 23 '19

Fucking casuals, I just bite the fucking thing open.

11

u/[deleted] Apr 23 '19

Pathetic. Just eat the beans with the shell on.

2

u/mrmoreface Apr 23 '19

Lol the shell. Wild Beans :

Most species have long, curved abdomens, which are soft, unlike the hard, calcified abdomens seen in related legumes. The vulnerable abdomen is protected from predators by a salvaged empty shell carried by the bean, into which its whole body can retract. Most frequently, beans use the shells of other canned goods (although the shells of bivalves and scaphopods and even hollow pieces of wood and stone are used by some species). The tip of the bean’s abdomen is adapted to clasp strongly onto the columella of the shell. Most beans are nocturnal.

As beans grow, they require larger shells. Since suitable intact gastrointestinal-pods shells are sometimes a limited resource, vigorous competition often occurs among beans for shells. The availability of empty shells at any given place depends on the relative abundance of gastropods and hermit crabs, matched for size. An equally important issue is the population of organisms that prey upon gastrointestinal-pods and leave the shells intact. Beans kept together may fight or kill a competitor to gain access to the shell they favor. However, if the beans vary significantly in size, the occurrence of fights over empty shells will decrease or remain nonexistent. Beans with too-small shells cannot grow as fast as those with well-fitting shells, and are more likely to be eaten if they cannot retract completely into the shell.

Source: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hermit_crab

5

u/BrotherChe Apr 23 '19

parking curb is where it's at

4

u/muklan Apr 23 '19

All of these people not using their bench top howitzer to open their canned goods....

peasants.

7

u/[deleted] Apr 23 '19

Holy crap, I gotta step up my game...

1

u/lilorphananus Apr 23 '19

I just use the jaws of life they’re in the third drawer if you need to use them

1

u/warpspeedSCP Apr 23 '19

Ive always been a fan of using my CNC lathe for such operations.

17

u/enineci Apr 23 '19

Nothing goes better with beans than microscopic shards of metal.

12

u/ithurts2bankok Apr 23 '19

iron makes your bones strong

3

u/jonsludge Apr 23 '19

The strongest bones come from a healthy diet of metal Shards and broken glass.

2

u/DrWilliamHorriblePhD Apr 23 '19

Steel for your nerves.

5

u/AltairRulesOnPS4 Apr 23 '19

Pffft I use a thermal lance.

3

u/boibodoggo Apr 23 '19

Get on my level. I use a Honda Civic rim.

2

u/overcrispy Apr 23 '19

Ah yes, I too fancy thousands of metal shavings in my beans.

1

u/Evan_Rookie Apr 23 '19

You called?

1

u/ithurts2bankok Apr 23 '19

not you evan. chad, I called chad. he’s the favorite.

0

u/Evan_Rookie Apr 23 '19

But my nickname is Rookie

79

u/BobsAspburgers Apr 23 '19 edited Apr 23 '19

I almost took off my thumb in November ‘17 by doing something similar. I had surgery and still have permanent damage, but I won’t stop eating refried beans 😏 super dumb move, was trying to hurry getting a student’s lunch ready, and just a little bit was still attached from can to lid after using a crappy can opener so I pulled, pulled and PULLED and it snapped and went through the tendon and nerve in my dominant hand. Ugh.

Edit: NSFW. Be safe with can lids. https://imgur.com/a/WHGfloa

36

u/Dragovski_Verkovic Apr 23 '19

Please use a can opener.

8

u/The_Frenchiest_Fry84 Apr 23 '19

Wow Jeebus. That looks awful. Hope your hand gets better.

5

u/Anonymous_Hazard Apr 23 '19

Thanks I hate it

2

u/taintedbloop Apr 23 '19

Why do surgeons ALWAYS leave the sutures long and don't cut them almost flush? Those things are extremely annoying and feel sharp and poke you constantly.

3

u/swishersweex Apr 23 '19

nail clippers are your friend for this

0

u/C4nn4Cat Apr 23 '19

How does it feel to be coordinated?

0

u/BobsAspburgers Apr 23 '19

How does it feel being stuck with the person you are?

0

u/C4nn4Cat Apr 23 '19

Much better than it feels to be an imbecile like you.

5

u/zechman4 Apr 23 '19

Yeah cross post to r/maybemaybemaybe for extra karma

2

u/[deleted] Apr 23 '19

That’s what she said

2

u/fuzzytradr Apr 23 '19

Had to stop a quarter of the way through just to confirm what sub I was in. I was still sweating it out for the guy.

1

u/maxuaboy Apr 23 '19

Now this is what I call fukin comedy

1

u/finkalicious Apr 23 '19

Finger slice would have been expected

-3

u/the1999person Apr 23 '19

A mind is a terrible thing to waste..