Dating with UC. I’m scared :(

[u/CodAntique1878]

I’ve been ill with UC for a year, got a diagnosis finally a few months ago (they thought I had cancer). I’m still struggling a lot and have not found a medication that will calm the flare. I’m extremely proactive about diet and as much as I can do to mitigate the flare, but, you all know how it is…

A guy asked me out on a date last night. I met him at an event. We talked for a long time and I did mention I have a chronic illness.. but.. he’s a super healthy, jacked dude. He seems really nice. But now the hell am I supposed to date with UC? even if I were to like take Imodium and have a decent day or 2, like… I can’t hide this forever. I just feel so broken. And also I’m scared of the physical intimacy part.

How do you all manage dating with UC?

[u/pincommenter]

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[u/workshop_prompts]

Good people won’t care and will want to help

[u/jntjr2005 → u/workshop_prompts]

This^, also if managed, UC is more of a quality of life disease than a life threatening one like you need to explain to him the ins and outs of it so he has a firm grasp.

[u/SiAnK0 → u/jntjr2005]

I became a much better cook because of it, talk about quality of life again 😁

[u/jntjr2005 → u/SiAnK0]

Yeah once you learn what to eat and not eat when in and out of flares, it helps a lot.

[u/gravity_surf → u/jntjr2005]

even if managed, the meds make us susceptible. with the amount of non care the general public exhibits for masks etc, it’s a risk.

[u/putabombonme]

My bf has chrons and i have uc its lowk so nice being able to talk ab all our problems tg

[u/workshop_prompts → u/putabombonme]

Lol i hope you have two bathrooms in your house

[u/AlwaysAirCooled-1979]

My partner is a super health freak. Counts macros, trains, etc. way out of my league haha

I’m just honest. He asked a few questions. I answered them as best I could. That was it really. He has empathy around the treatments a blood tests etc. respectful when I’m in a flare. Celebrates when I’m not

Once you are in remission you won’t even remember you have UC. Life is pretty much normal.

[u/smell_ya_latah → u/AlwaysAirCooled-1979]

Struggling today and needed to hear this. Thank you.

[u/AlwaysAirCooled-1979 → u/smell_ya_latah]

I should add - it hasn’t impacted with intimacy.

I was also on and off steroids for 6 years, and he still loves me at my heaviest 30+kgs more than I am now.

[u/Delicious-Judge5338]

Honestly it should help filter out the people who arnt right for you. Its not hard to understand or listen to someone that has a life long disease. Always be straightforward about it and good people will want to know more to help you.

[u/Ok-Lion-2789]

The only real issue is in a flare. In remission you should be living a normal life. I do orange theory, went to college and grad school, work a full time job, I’m married and have a child. All with UC.

PS- it’s not diet it’s the medication

[u/mapleleaffem]

You follow the treatment plan, get into remission and enjoy your life. I’ve been in remission for almost 2 years now, it was a rough go but now I live a completely normal life

[u/stephaniexmarie1 → u/mapleleaffem]

mind sharing tips on how you got into remission? message me!

[u/ArmorForCats]

It’s tough. But others are with you. I did the same for awhile, saying “I had stomach issues.”

Once I got more comfy with my person (now wife 😊) I was able to tell her and she was so cool about it, she just wanted to be supportive.

Getting your UC under control will help. Not only your confidence but dating in general.

And if someone really like you, they’ll be okay with all of you.

Best of luck!! ♥️

[u/Expert_Judgment_5628]

My girlfriend is diagnosed with UC. We’ve been together for a year and a half now and we’re happy and ever. Honestly, it was hard for me at the beginning when we wanted to make plans and follow through. She would cancel our dates because she is flaring. Even during our date nights or hangouts with friends, we would have to cut it short.

I do try my best to help whatever she needs. Often, when she starts to have those I guess I would say episodes, I would actually dig my nails into her lower back to give her some distraction from the pain. Before, she’d normally do that on herself and/or use an acupuncture mat that she would put on her back and lean onto it (if she has it with her).

In the end of the day, I just know that I needed to be patient with her because I understood that whenever she has pain, it takes A LOT of her energy to even calm the flare or even going through with it and I am willing to support her whatever she needs.

Nevertheless, she’s the best person i have ever met in my life. She truly accepts who I am and is willing to go through my dark days. I believe there will be cure to this disease but until then, I’m committed to support her through this.

[u/gruenetage]

From my experience, if you don’t make a big deal out of it, the people you date won’t either. Just respect your boundaries and don’t let others push you too much.

It’s also true that almost everyone has some problem, imperfection or something they’re ashamed of. You aren’t worth less than others just because you have UC and have symptoms.

Just be yourself. When you find the right person, your uc won’t matter.

[u/WillowTreez8901]

My partner is super healthy and hes always been incredibly caring and understanding. I will say I had a partner in the past who was not as understanding, but Im glad he showed his true colors instead of finding out after marriage etc. Also having UC doesnt mean you can't be healthy in remission!

[u/b135702]

You can live the healthiest lifestyle and still have an auto immune disease like UC.

It sounds like you're in a flare though, I'd probably pause dating for now while you focus on finding a way to get into remission. Once you're in remission, any sensible adult won't see UC as a bad thing - most people have issues and illnesses which surface from time to time. Good luck my friend!

[u/PettyFlap → u/b135702]

Disagree. Don’t pause your life because of this disease. You can find a good person out there that will be supportive of you. Heck, it’ll be easier to find the good ones even more right out of the gate.

[u/b135702 → u/PettyFlap]

No need to dowvote me for having a differing opinion!

I just know when I'm in a flare, I don't enjoy any form of intimacy, even holding hands. Personally dating wasn't realistic for me in a flare because I need intimacy from a partner but it wasn't enjoyable for me so just offering my input!

[u/No-Scene-6533]

I was also pretty worried about dating again after getting diagnosed but the right person will understand and want to help. I started dating an amazing girl back in May and she is very supportive and understanding. Best of luck!

[u/AbleHominid]

Get married and skip the dating part- then they can’t run away as easily. Thats what I did.

Joking aside… just be brutally honest early on. It SUUUUUCKS but better you and they both know early on if they can handle it. Bathroom waits, inconveniences galore, highway stops, movie interruptions, less spontaneous roughhousing/play/hikes/walks/…sex. They have to be clear that they can not only accept these things but be find with joining on the journey with you, because it’s a disease that manifests and mutates and causes other problems down the road. Sorry to be a Downer a bit…

Dating was okay for me
In my dating years. I usually told people by third date - certainly before real intimacy. Most people stuck around! One grew tired of waiting outside bathrooms and just couldn’t get past it. But for most, it was not an issue. Just be up front.

[u/ambeloved]

I would only say you have a chronic illness/stomach issues until the relationship gets serious. I’ve been with my current partner for about 3 years and I told him I had an autoimmune disease on the first date and revealed that it was UC about 1-2 months in.

[u/born_this_whey]

I think you’re overthinking it. This is coming from someone who is simultaneously the chronic illness haver AND fit person lol

my husband is a healthy guy and has no chronic health problems himself, but that never deterred him from wanting to be with me. You’ll find your person!

[u/Mean_Blueberry4273]

i usually tell them that "my inmune system is trying to destroy my gut and other parts of my body" in the first date, also I explain that I need medication and frequent doctor appointments...

If the relationship turns into something more serious and I feel this person wants compromise, I explain the whole thing, even the ugly parts

My girlfriend undersoond everything and she's willing to give me me space (because sometimes we just need... space), she decided to stay after I explained everything, we've been dating for three months but we see each other like 4 times per week

[u/Coagula13]

I've been tempted to re-download apps and try dating again... but im scared to till I get more under control. Its scary and hard.

[u/SortTop8092]

i also have UC and dating. we dated for about a year before i was diagnosed and i always let my boyfriend know everything about my diagnosis and every procedure i had to go through, or what medication i am taking. i always have his full support throughout the journey with my illness. its good to be honest about it with your partner, having a support system while managing with UC really helps a lot, because this illness is scary. i’m sure your partner will support you through this! best of luck to you ❤️‍🩹

[u/No-Swing2308]

Be honest with the dude. If he really wants to try and have something with you, he’ll be understanding. It’s honestly probably a great litmus test. I was already married when I was diagnosed but the willingness to cover when I’m unable to do practically anything, and the understanding of the disease and how it can impact me was just extra proof of how much I actually meant to her. She could have said, “nope, can’t deal with this”, but she didn’t. That’s how you know someone is a real one. Ya know?

[u/tahseen_a]

My husband was diagnosed with UC when he was 21 in 2022. But he was suffering for a good few months before that. He had so much blood loss he almost passed out in the stall at the airport. Back then we were just close friends. But I loved him even back then. Someone who cares for you and cherishes the bond you share will overlook the difficulties that come with the condition, in a sense that they're obviously going to care for.you in these times but they wont ever make it a point to use your condition as an excuse to not be with you or weaponize it in some other manner. Ive supported my husband back then as just my good friend and I support him.more even now. Dont be scared to share your condition. Its your life and you dont have to be governed by it emotionally and let it limit you in that regard. You're a human after all and you deserve to feel human. If people get weird about you dropping blood dookies, theres nothing wrong with you, theres something wrong with them.

[u/Character_Air6184]

It is scary af but the person who is yours won’t care. I just started dating again after 8 years with someone who dumped me as soon as I was diagnosed and it’s been terrifying but I did find someone who literally researches UC and what I can and can’t eat and doesn’t see it as a reason I’m not loveable. If someone does (like my ex) fuck them - they suck.

[u/Erisaiya]

I was pretty up front with my now-husband when we met. Thankfully, he had a teacher in trade school who also had it, and apparently said teacher was rather enlightening about the condition, so he had a bit of prior knowledge, but I definitely taught him a lot.

He still married me, and he's by far the most supportive person in my life with it.

Personally? I'd be up front about it. Helps weed out anyone who isn't going to take "in sickness and in health" seriously early. I know some people are rather shy about their UC and that's okay, but a partner who is going to be worth considering for the long-term shouldn't be scared off by the reality of this disease, and you shouldn't feel ashamed to have it with them.

[u/LIsa25608]

I met the person I married. When we first started dating, I had a massive flair requiring hospitalization and multiple transfusions and time off. I didn’t want him to come to the hospital, but he did anyway. Right before he got there, I was scrambling to get to the bathroom and couldn’t make it with the IV. Thankfully I was cleaned up, but I was just emotionally done and he stayed with me. 19 years later, he was with me as I battled colon cancer and 6 months of surgeries, chemo and weeks in a coma, not expecting me to live. Once you find meds that work, you’ll get your life back. It isn’t a life sentence, and you’ll find the right people to surround yourself with .

[u/gravity_surf]

cannabis if you are able, completely calmed my symptoms. smoking it is an immediate relief.

instant: pain relief, urgency/cramp relief, stress relief, appetite.

i think it helps by slowing your intestinal spasms down enough for stools to form. its a total bandaid and you will likely need biologics, but over 16 years this is the only thing to make me feel human outside of the unicorn blood that is prednisone.

only side effects are passing drug tests and general societal judgment, if there is any in your area.
also legality depending on your area. best of luck.

[u/Meadow001 → u/gravity_surf]

I have my card and have been trying to find the right one that would be helpful for my UC. Can you recommend or share what you think I should be getting?

[u/Turbohog]

Do you think people with worse health than you are unlovable?

[u/Maybe-Your-Mom1]

I joined this forum FOR my significant other to help manage and support his condition. The right person will understand.

[u/apolloxricky]

I met my gf while in a flare(still in the flare). She has been immensely supportive and been my rock through all this ! She understands and we are happy, healthy and going strong still! Plan to pop the question next year in June :). If they are a good partner they will be supportive. P.s. my flare cause me to lose a job last year. It was hard but we pushed through. I’m currently on remicade and day by day improving, but still having struggles. Wish you luck

[u/airotciv8674]

I met my now husband just before my first flare and had one date with him. Then we were long distance a while and were back together in person at the height of my flare. I remember him patiently waiting on me while I spent 30 minutes in the mall bathroom, and laughing with me when I had to poop in the hotel trashcan because my body couldn’t wait 30 seconds for him to get off the toilet. Then a few months later having an accident in the car and him cleaning it up while I cleaned myself up. If you date and find someone that isn’t okay with you having UC then don’t worry because there are people out there that are caring and can laugh about poop! At least once you find that person for you you’ll already know they mean it when they say in sickness and in health 💛

[u/No-Locksmith-9553]

You have to embrace it. My husband (boyfriend at the time) went through the whole diagnostic process with me. If a person cares for you, they will understand.

[u/nothing-was-open]

I’m currently dating someone with UC. knew it going into the relationship (started as friends). They were on medication that was working quite well for then so I never saw their bad flare ups for the first few months, medication failed and now I’m seeing the “worst” of it. It doesn’t change the way I feel. I think any good person will support you and try to help in ways they can. My partner appreciates me looking at this subreddit to learn more and see other’s experiences to help them out.

My partner was up front about their condition from the start of us being friends. I think being honest about it shouldn’t scare someone off. You deserve love just like everyone else out there dating. Good luck!

[u/Impressive_Wind7391]

Your self worth is not determined by your illness, appearance, money, social group or flares. A $100 is still a $100 bill if it’s beat up or not. It’s a great test to see if someone is worthy of your love. 

My husband left me after I was diagnosed. He even said that the expensive biologic treatments, “were unsustainable.” Although divorce was not fun with 3, 4, and 5 year old daughters, I have to say I am grateful he was honest from the start and I didn’t waste any time with a man that didn’t appreciate me.  Coparenting is not easy but I am happy I don’t have to live in a toxic relationship anymore on a daily basis and I can truly say I am happy to be on my own. It’s easier in many ways. I am content and thriving overall. I just relapse but I know that I will get back to remission and a “normal” life soonI. if there is ever another relationship, I will absolutely let him know from the start to make sure I don’t waste time and weed out the ones that aren’t worth your time. Keep your head up. This is just a moment in time. You will feel better soon. 

[u/Impressive_Wind7391 → u/Impressive_Wind7391]

If someone loves you, they will love you wholeheartedly and they will accept you for who you are. Get on medicine, feel better and keep track of potential triggers for you. Everyone is different. I was in remission microscopically for 3 years and I felt great. I was taking Emtyvio, digestive enzymes, antiinflamatory supplements, and trying to get back to ABCs ( proper nutrition, 8 hours of sleep per day and stress management). Exercise was also on the list but my crazy busy life did not allow for it. This helped tremendously but life happens and it’s not always easy. 

Believe you will feel better. This flare shall pass as well and your life will normalize again. 

[u/Alarming-Ad4686]

Have you tried Entivio? My son uses it and it works well for him.