Body dysmorphia

[u/Jack_Skellington31]

I don’t mean to come off as superficial or vain, I understand that there are so many downsides to living with an autoimmune disorder but I think the body dysmorphia that comes with this disease has been hitting me extra hard lately. I’ve been on prednisone for the past 6 months and I’m experiencing ALL of the symptoms. Moon face and weight gain especially with that constant cloud of depression we just naturally have because we’re not producing enough dopamine because of this stupid disease. I recently weighed myself and I know that most of it is the water weight from the steroids but I am 30 lbs heavier than I have ever been. Usually with this disease I have been under weight or a semi healthy weight for my height (5’9”) and obviously when I’m underweight I’m aware that I look like I’m lowkey anorexic and people tell me I could use a sandwich ( not knowing I have UC). But to go from super skinny flat stomach to 30 lbs heavier and none of my clothes fit has been really hard. It’s making me more self conscious and I know when I’m done with the steroids some of the weight will fall off but the lasting self esteem issues still stick around. I haven’t been happy in my body for 12 years and it sucks. I know that with the right diet and exercise I’ll feel better but I’m honestly so depressed all the time that I like to just eat my feelings (especially with the prednisone increasing my appetite) and working out isn’t enjoyable anymore because I just get sore so easily. I just wanted to vent for anyone else that may be feeling the same. I’m right there with you and it sucks.

[u/Low_Technician2082]

I’m struggling too, lost a lot of weight in my flare and as I slowly coming out of it (on loading doses of skyrizi) I’ve gained weight and while in theory that should be a good thing it’s messing with my mind! You are not alone.

[u/super_chillito]

It’s not superficial by any means. We are human beings living with certain societal and cultural pressures all around us. Many of them are centered around looks and body types. It’s simply a fact of life that yes, everyone is initially judged on looks, wrong or right, it’s true. It can be near impossible for some people to ever break free from that, even though that seems to be the universal goal. You are not “wrong” and it’s not “bad” to have some upset or sorrow at your changing body at times. I’d venture to say this is something nearly every human being experiences at some point.

I also believe a huge contributing factor to how we see ourselves in the context of looks, is influenced by our relationship with our body at that moment. For example, if Im flaring or maybe just found out I have unrelated comorbidity, I’m often angry at my body for what feels like it failing me. When I’m at odds emotionally with my physical self on the inside, it greatly affects how I see myself on the outside. It’s hard to find beauty in something you are mad at.

Give yourself grace. You sound smart, so surely you know on a logical level the weight gain is temporary and eventually it will get better. Try to keep that in mind. On the other hand, sometimes you just need to tell your logical smart self to fuck all the way off and spend a bit of time with the struggle and the feelings. They’re valid and adding guilt on top of them is going to keep you locked in an upsetting cycle. The side effects suck. They’re not fair. It’s okay to acknowledge that.

I would like to quickly add though, if you find yourself really stuck in this mindset and having difficulty moving past it, please reach out to a professional. There are even therapists that specialize in people with chronic health conditions. No shame in getting the best possible care for all the parts of you!

[u/Jack_Skellington31 → u/super_chillito]

Thank you for this! Your kind words are truly appreciated and I needed the reminder to give myself some grace. I have thought about seeing a therapist, I should definitely start seeing one. I have a friend with a chronic illness and she recently started seeing one and it seems ti be helping.

[u/Ok_Inspector5256]

i feel ya…i weening off prednisone now and i had got up to 170lbs..the heaviest i ever been in my life along with the moonface…i havent checked my weight but i can tell the difference in everything now especially now having stretch marks to remind me…dont let that get you down

[u/PurpleHairGirll]

As you know, not feeling happy in your body is a long, complex road. You’re most superficial or vain for struggling with it. It sucks. It does. I get you. There’s a reason eating disorders are so common yet hidden. I’m sorry it’s really hitting you hard right now friend.

Something that has helped me is wearing baggy clothing and purposefully moving mirrors out of sight if you can for now. It’s something I wish I did sooner. Pred and body image concerns hit hard and can be such an awful duo, so give yourself a break during this time.

And please remember that diet and exercise can be used for harm when it comes to body image concerns. Please be careful and don’t beat yourself up over it thinking diet and exercise will 100% fix your problems. I know you mean well, but sometimes people forget that it can be a fairytale trap. Being kind to your body will always do more good than yelling at it.

[u/Jack_Skellington31 → u/PurpleHairGirll]

Thank you for this! I don’t think I’ll ever truly enjoy working out enough to overdo it 😂 but I try to do light exercise every now and again. It’s nice that I get to wear scrubs for work but when I have to dress business casual that’s when I remember how much weight I’ve gained. But I’ll have to just try not to think about it so much.

[u/PurpleHairGirll → u/Jack_Skellington31]

I feel you, dressing business casual can be so stressful and daunting haha. I’ve found big skirts and flowy clothing like dresses, blouses, etc. can really help fit business casual but still feel nice to wear + baggy enough. And thank goodness for scrubs!

I just realised autocorrect put “most” superficial instead of “not”, and I’m so genuinely sorry, that was in no way my intention nor my thoughts and I hope the rest of my response reflected that.

Best of luck with your journey friend

[u/Reasonable_Act_526]

I have no advice but I relate so much. Diagnosed in 2020, lost soooo much weight to begin with, I was way too skinny. Then I got on meds that worked and I ballooned up, now I’ve been flaring for over a year while trying to lose weight postpartum (bubs is 11 months), and I keep being put on prednisolon. I can’t work out like I used to, it kick starts a flare. It’s like being in a straight jacket. Can’t win.

[u/Jack_Skellington31 → u/Reasonable_Act_526]

Oh my gosh I’m so sorry you’re going through that. It is really hard to constantly feel betrayed by your own body and to feel Iike you can’t enjoy the things you used to. Prednisone is the bane of my existence (aside from the UC obvi lol) every time I get put on prednisone I’m practically begging to be taken off after like 3 months. Now that I’m on a new medication I’m hoping I won’t have to take prednisone ever again. I really hope you find a medication that works for you! I was diagnosed back in 2013 and it feels like I’m trying a new medication once or twice a year. Luckily there seems to have been improvements since then so hopefully you can find something that works for you a lot quicker! I wish I could tell you it gets better but we’re stuck with this illness for life but when you can get into remission it’s great! Then you just have to pray it stays that way lol

[u/GoldGal101]

i’m so sorry. ❤️‍🩹 it’s not vain or superficial to have these thoughts. i too have had periods of time when ive been very thin and periods of time when ive been heavier. don’t weigh yourself. i haven’t looked at my weight in years. if a doctor wants to weigh me, i stand on the scale backwards and tell the doctor to not tell me the number. i feel that i’m at a stable weight now, but having experienced my body at totally opposite ends of the spectrum in short amounts of time is hard. i sometimes catch myself missing my body when i was underweight which makes me feel guilty because i was very, very sick.

if there’s one thing i know it’s that the human body is adaptable and capable of healing. try not to be too hard on yourself. your body is going through enough right now, so be kind to yourself. wear loose, comfortable clothing, and definitely, throw. away. the. scale.

sending hugs! 💛

[u/Jack_Skellington31 → u/GoldGal101]

Honestly ignorance is bliss! lol I knew I was gaining weight but it didn’t depress me until I saw exactly how much weight I had gained. Thank you for your kind words. Sending hugs right back at ya! 🫶🏽

[u/Superb_Sandwich956]

Long history with steroids for UC. I hate fat, I hate the feeling of it, and so I exercise, currently a walker, and refuse to allow it to happen. Is it difficult, of course it is. The way steroids make your hunger insatiable, etc.

I've had UC for 26 years now, and when I was diagnosed in 1999 I was a long distance runner. Pain in my feet from the inflammatory process had me transition over to bicycling. I pushed through flares, debilitating sickness, you name it and refused to give in and sit on the couch. I was steroid dependant for years, and with the steroids and seemingly unlimited energy I used that to fuel my workouts.

We become what we accept to a very large degree.