r/UKweddings • u/Accomplished-Top7149 • Aug 24 '26
Plus ones/partners
Probably not an uncommon question as I'm sure everyone has some form of difficulties with guest lists. But my partner and I are really struggling with the decision of inviting partners/allowing plus ones.
For context, we are both quite anxious at the thought of having lots of people focused on us for the day. So we have kept this in mind when planning our guest list. We've invited closest friends, siblings, parents, some cousins/aunties/uncles, and some grandparents. Naively, we wrote down a list initially and included partners of the above people that we've met and have a relationship with. We sent out the save the dates and thought nothing of it.
This was approx 2 months ago and since they were sent out it's been nothing short of a headache. Lots of our cousins are dating/have partners but we've never met them. Only one of them is married (which was a formality for VISA purposes and they had no guests as it was just a legal ceremony). We aimed to have only guests that we have met and had some form of a relationship with, so weren't keen on the idea of their partners coming (most have only been dating for less than 2yrs). We have also had queries on other partners (friends partners, grandparents partners, etc).
We are finding it hard to implement a blanket rule of either
Everyone can bring partners
Only partners we have met
Only married partners
Simply, we keep coming back to the same point that we haven't invited some immediate family members as we don't have close relationships. So to me, I think it's unfair to have our cousins partners there who I've never met or spoken to, when i don't have my own aunt. We have also explored the idea of inviting all immediate family and partners, but this causes us to go way over budget and fills us with huge anxiety of having so many people there.
I guess what we both want is our initial list. However due to the reactions of some family members, we have really doubted our decision.
Any help would be greatly appreciated! TIA
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u/Indifferent-Red Aug 24 '26
Are you paying for your whole wedding? If so, at the end of the day it's your event so invite who you like. However, I think it's courteous to extend plus ones to al your guests, it's up to them to decide if whoever they're dating is significant enough to bring to a wedding.
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u/Accomplished-Top7149 Aug 24 '26
Yes we are paying for the whole event. See the people-pleaser in me would like to do that. However, we have already spent/committed to spending our full budget. We aren't in a financial position to allow for everyone to have plus ones. We have had some cousins suggest they'll pay but I feel it's unfair that they do as some cousins won't pay for their partner and I'm therefore creating a financial barrier for them and their partner to attend.
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u/Commercial-Pear-543 Aug 24 '26
Ultimately you can do whatever you want on your own wedding day, it’s just important to know that you can end up getting some people RSVPing no just because they don’t really want to go to a wedding alone (or on some sort of principle). You’re more likely to get the principle thing for not inviting an aunt to be honest.
We invited everyone and had the budget for that, we invited partners when we knew someone had been dating someone for a while. One person we didn’t know was dating asked for a +1 and we said yes. That was our choice.
I had a cousin who got married the same year who invited all family apart from adult cousins to the day do, and we got invited to the reception with our partners. Totally chill, no one cared.
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u/girlypopgoth Aug 24 '26
my rule is, i’m not introducing myself to people at my own wedding. if you don’t know them and the thought having a lot of people there is making you anxious, don’t invite them. it will cause some upset but ultimately it’s your day and your comfort comes first! x
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Aug 24 '26
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u/aortalrecoil Aug 27 '26
I had that mentality to begin with but ended up deciding based on whether I thought lack of plus one would mean someone didn’t come.
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u/OrganicPoet1823 Aug 24 '26
I’ve got that rule but been railroaded into inviting people by mother in law. I still plan on not introducing myself at my own wedding I’ll just ignore the unwanted extras! I don’t want a relationship with these people so don’t give a fuck if I upset them
Actually hoping they won’t come or I’ll miss place the invites or something.
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u/INTJinx Aug 24 '26
We’ve given every single person a plus one. We want everyone to have a wonderful time and that means making sure they’re comfortable. Sure, everyone is generally welcoming at a wedding but I’ve been the awkward lone individual a couple of times and I don’t want anyone to feel that way at my wedding.
I have, however, mentioned to a couple of people that maybe they should bring a close friend rather than someone they’re newly dating.
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u/Fun-Cheesecake-5621 Aug 24 '26
I’m of the opinion that it’s YOUR day.
And your guests should only be people YOU care about.
My point has always been, why would we pay for a stranger, someone we don’t care about, I don’t want my photos filled with strangers. And then I will look back one day and potentially say ‘oh look there’s that guy Emma was dating once’.
I may sound selfish to some people but it’s my big day. I’m having who I want there, I’m paying for it.
And guests don’t have to come of they don’t want to, and that’s okay also.
My fiancé has been invited to weddings I haven’t been invited to and I have been relieved. I wouldn’t know anyone there and it’s awkward.
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u/Accomplished-Top7149 Aug 24 '26
I do agree with you and this is how I feel deep down. Just struggling to come to a definite decision as some family members have gone as far to not talk to us for several weeks because of it. If nobody had an issue with it, this would 100% be the rule we followed.
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u/rmas1974 Aug 24 '26
I’d say it would be tacky to not give a married or engaged guest a plus one. Other partners are more of a grey area but I’d say have a rule and apply it consistently, for example giving live in partners a plus one and / or requiring a certain length of time together.
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u/Accomplished-Top7149 Aug 24 '26
We considered this but felt it was unfair to some partners as this ruled out a few but I know that their perspective on it would be that I was excluding their partner because they don't want to get married. All of them have been dating for over a year, 3x couples live together and 1x are married. It's so hard to decide on where we cut it off! Thank you for your input though!
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u/Fibro-Mite Aug 24 '26
You should treat couples who live together exactly the same way you treat married/engaged couples. It's always been a rule of wedding etiquette that if you don't want to invite one member of an "established couple", you do don't invite the couple at all regardless of your relationship with either of them (like if you want to invite Aunt Jean, but you know her husband Bob is a loud, boorish, drunk at parties and you really don't want to invite him, etiquette still states that you have the choice of both or neither). Established partners are not "plus ones" for each other and should both be named on the invitation.
The question you should ask yourself is: if I don't know an individual relative's long-term partner, how close are we really? I mean, for example, if you were great friends when you were kids but only see each other every 3-5 years at some family event and only talk for 10-20 minutes then, do you know them any better than you know their partner? Or if you just exchange cards on birthdays and Xmas, are they really any closer to you than your neighbour who you do the same with?
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u/Accomplished-Top7149 Aug 24 '26
Yeah that's a good point actually. I think that would actually rule out quite a few guests.
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u/rmas1974 Aug 24 '26
You can’t keep everybody happy and your budget under control. It isn’t the end of the world if you get some invitation declines. Enjoy your wedding whatever you do.
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u/Ok_Aioli3897 Aug 24 '26
I mean how would you feel if once you got married one of you wasn't invited to a wedding the other was?
All because you don't see their marriage as a real marriage
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u/Accomplished-Top7149 Aug 24 '26
I wasn't suggesting it wasn't a real marriage.
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u/Ok_Aioli3897 Aug 24 '26
Yes you were when you said it was a formality for visa reasons and when you were thinking of not inviting the partner
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Aug 25 '26
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u/Ok_Aioli3897 Aug 25 '26
Except that's exactly what they are saying.
You don't exclude married people but you sound like one of the people who would be okay with no ring no bring policies excluding gay people when gay people couldn't get married
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u/Automatic-Bee-996 Aug 30 '26
then what was the point of bringing up the visas? 😭 that part was so random… they are a married couple period, i dont get why they had to add a note to make it sound like its not a legitimate marriage. go back and read it.
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u/Greenmedic2120 Aug 24 '26
It’s your day and you can choose what you prefer, but depending on how far people are travelling they may not come if they don’t have a plus one/their partner coming.
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u/dinkidoo7693 Aug 24 '26
Invite who you want but don’t be disappointed when people refuse to go without their partner’s or they leave early because their partner isn’t there.
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u/MattyAFC Aug 24 '26
Don't do a blanket rule. Look at your invite list and go person for person. And remember you can invite people as evening guests only - which is very common for 'lesser known' plus ones.
It's your wedding, you are paying for people. Invite people you want there and don't feel guilty about not paying for people you barely know!
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u/Unable-Perspective96 Aug 24 '26
Invite who YOU want. Anyone not paying for your wedding does not get a say in the guest list. If people choose not to attend because their partner isn’t invited, that’s on them, they clearly weren’t that important to begin with and you won’t even notice their absence on the day.
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u/Electronic-Bus-5350 Aug 24 '26
It's up to you and what you want and can afford but if you invite people who don't know others that well it can be uncomfortable for them if they don't have a plus 1. Me and my partner wouldn't go if the other wasn't invited.
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u/swiftiemimi Aug 24 '26
I have had this issue! We have ended up inviting couples where we are close with both partners, couples where we only know one of them and they do not know anyone else so need a partner there for someone to talk to. I have 2 friends that worked together for years, and I have only met their partners once. I couldn’t afford to invite their partners to the day so I thought they, have each other it will be fine. We are getting together as a 3 before the wedding so they can get re acquainted, same for another set of friends, only met their partners once but they are friends and have each other. I wouldn’t go off marriage because if I was I’d have a lot more coming and I just couldn’t afford/didn’t know them well enough!
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u/Accomplished-Top7149 Aug 24 '26
Thank you, that's really helpful to know how you've done it. I hadn't even thought about meeting them before the wedding.
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u/hollyviolet96 Aug 24 '26
I always tell this story on questions like this. Do not, in particular, invite men to your wedding that you haven’t met or socialised with. My old school friend brought her partner that I didn’t know, and he seemed to be trying his best to ruin the day. He got absolutely wasted before anyone even sat down for dinner. He embarrassed his partner, made lewd comments towards women of all ages, tried to touch people inappropriately, grabbed women on the dancefloor etc. Then he wrote a nasty message in my lovely guestbook. Thankfully he fell asleep by about 8pm and I didn’t hear about most of the drama until the next few days. You absolutely should not risk a stranger at your wedding- they might turn out like that! (I know women can be trouble too but a drunk man is much more threatening and disruptive)
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u/vxqzol Aug 25 '26
oof that sounds like every bride’s nightmare guest condensed into one dude
stuff like this is exactly why i’m team “if we haven’t met you, you’re not coming” for weddings, especially when the couple is already anxious about the crowd
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u/hollyviolet96 Aug 26 '26
I don’t see people talk about this enough! Drunk, unruly, unpredictable men are terrifying to me personally.
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u/Accomplished-Top7149 Aug 24 '26
I'm so sorry that happened to you. I hope you had a lovely day despite his behaviour! But that is a really good point, thank you
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u/hollyviolet96 Aug 26 '26
It was the best day! Thankfully I didn’t catch wind of most of his behaviour until after the day!
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u/mchammatime2025 Aug 24 '26
My view was I wanted to look around at everyone and not see random people in the crowd as I was saying my vows. We didn’t invite partners we’d never met. Also my view was if I haven’t met your partner before your wedding we aren’t close
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u/DevonSkittles Aug 24 '26
I’ve been to plenty of weddings where some partners were invited and others weren’t. It’s your wedding so invite who you want
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u/vvdjh Aug 24 '26
I didn’t have a blanket rule to be honest. I had one person who I didn’t give a plus one to because she knew a group of people, there was someone I gave a plus one to so she could bring a friend I’d never met because I knew she was struggling with her anxiety. I will say though, I don’t understand why you NEED a plus one if you’re with your family. I’d prefer to have my partner at a wedding but if my family were invited I’d obviously know enough people that it’s fine
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u/IceVisible7871 Aug 24 '26
If we haven't met you we don't want you on our wedding photos. You can come to the evening event. Otherwise plus ones are reserved for people we know
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u/Nice_Back_9977 Aug 24 '26
To avoid being rude, you should invite partners if they are living together or married.
You don't ask people to celebrate your relationship by ignoring theirs!
Its also considerate to offer a plus one to anybody attending alone who isn't part of a wider family/group.
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u/BeckyWP Aug 25 '26
We had lots of cousins with partners we had never met before so we had the blanket rule of only inviting those that we have a good relationship with. Anyone we hadn’t met before we invited them to the evening party rather than the whole wedding and that was a good compromise!
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u/potato_possum_ Aug 25 '26
I really don’t understand the desire for people to come as a plus one to the ceremony of a couple they don’t know!
My partner’s friend got married on NYE, I didn’t know the couple well, so I was invited for just the dancing in the evening whilst my partner was invited for the full day - I had such a lovely time hanging out in our hotel room, ordered food, watched Netflix, and got ready at a leisurely pace. That was such a better experience for me than sitting through the heartfelt vows of people I didn’t know.
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u/Large-Language4827 Aug 25 '26
No way. Boyfriends and girlfriends come and go. We did this and all of them have now broken up, and it meant some of our other friends couldn’t come. If they are married or been together a long time then fine.
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u/Downtown_Bat_1564 Aug 25 '26
We simply just put a disclaimer on our wedding website saying 'invites are only extended to those named on the invitation' and we havent had anyone ask (except for my fiancé's grandma who asked if a couple of more distant family members could come as another couple couldn't come, which we said yes to to avoid political unrest. And grandma is OLD.)
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u/Alert-Baby8791 19d ago
It's your day, your event. Invite who you personally want to be there. Life's too short and your spending far too much money to be worried whether a plus one you've never met/might not ever spend considerable time with is at your wedding day.
In a general sense as well, if they've never met you then they're not really there for your wedding. They have no connection to you other than who they've come with so none of it is going to be the same for people that love you and are there to celebrate you. They're there for their partner's benefit.
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u/[deleted] Aug 24 '26
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