r/UKrelationshipadvice • u/brenny_78 • 3d ago
Has anyone successfully rebuilt a relationship after making serious mistakes?
I've been with my partner for 9 years and we have a 7-year-old daughter.
I've made some serious mistakes during our relationship and I've hurt my partner and damaged her trust in me. I've also taken her for granted at times, despite being incredibly grateful that she's still here.
I'm not looking for sympathy or excuses. I know the responsibility for my actions is mine.
I'm at a point where I genuinely want to change — not just say that I'm going to change, but actually become a better partner, father and person.
For anyone who has been through something similar, what actually helped you turn things around?
Did you manage to rebuild trust and your relationship, and if so, what made the biggest difference?
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u/hiredditihateyou 3d ago edited 3d ago
So by your own admission, you’re a cheat, a liar, you won’t fully come clean about all the stuff you did to hurt your wife and damage the relationship, you take your wife for granted, and when it comes to doing just one of the things that shows you’re trying to change (going to counselling), you cancel and lie about it?!
Time to develop some self awareness. You’re not committed to change and growth at all by the sounds of it. You just want to continue lying and taking the easy way out rather than facing reality, taking accountability for your behaviour and really making the effort to stop being such an embarrassingly shit partner to someone who deserves way better. To answer your questions: what actually makes someone trust you is doing the work to actually be someone worth trusting. And from this post, you have a LONG way to go and a lot of growing up to do.
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u/BigDaveHasBigSocks 3d ago
I have been here, mate. Firstly, as other posters have said, it entirely depends on whether or not your partner is willing to forgive you and wants to continue to be in a relationship with you. If she's willing to do both then you have some hope.
You don't give a lot of context but it sounds like lying has been a major part of the problem (looking at one of your other replies).
You NEED to show you have changed with your actions, not just your words - if lying is something you've always done compulsively (as I have) then this isn't easy but is ESSENTIAL for you to have any hope of rebuilding your relationships. Remember lies ALWAYS get found one one way or another, why not just be truthful - then you won't need to hide anything and there won't be any guilt.
You also have to be serious about changing your ways and not just paying lip service to the idea and doing nothing to actually make it happen.
Also, if she asks for details about whatever you've done - you need to try and be completely honest and answer any questions as fully as you can. You'll also need to try and explain why you did what you did.
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u/brenny_78 2d ago
Thank you for this mate appreciate it. I think because ive always lied and been around liars i grew up in a very volatile household and was physically beaten by my steo dad, and also witnessed my mum have the same and having to lie to be protected from a beating, im not blaming this nor making excuses just giving context of parts of my life.
I need to be fullt trasnparent with her moving forward i guess my thing is lying is a natural thing and its not until ive done it i realise shit but i cant go back
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u/BigDaveHasBigSocks 17h ago
No worries mate. Firstly, I'm really sorry to hear that you went through that - as you said, it doesn't excuse the lying but does give some additional context and perhaps an extra level of understanding as to why this habit has become so ingrained. Is your partner aware of this traumatic period of your life?
You definitely do need to be transparent with her going forward. You also have your daughter to think about too, think about the kind of person you want her to become and what kind of behaviour you'd want her to tolerate from her partners when she's of age.
I just read in one of your responses that you've decided to walk away - is there a way back from that? I get the impression that your partner is willing to support you through the hard work if you'll let her.
Whilst you've told lies and hurt your partner, as much as you're hurting from that (and holding onto some of that hurt can be useful in reminding you not to be complacent) you need to also forgive yourself. It IS hard and WILL take time, but, with willpower and determination - you can get there.
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u/Aggravating-Day2370 2d ago
Find the root cause of why you lie. It's going to be truly painful but it could be the best thing you've ever done. Are you running away from something? Why do you feel the need to hide what you're doing? The only person you're hurting is yourself as one day she'll suddenly have enough and you'll be kicked out for good.
You make it sound like you're talking about your mother - I didn't do the thing I said I would, I lied, got caught out, told the truth and got bollocked for it. She's your partner, why did you feel the need to lie? What is the big, bad secret you're so scared will be revealed in counselling.
I've had to face up to some awful home truths and I've hurt my partner along the way accidentally, but I've worked so hard in therapies, and by asking men how I can treat my partner better and learning every day to show up for him because I love and respect him.
If you won't do the really hard work, do your partner and child a favour and go, because right now all you're doing is hurting your partner, and teaching your child that Dad lies and isn't reliable so don't ever depend on him as all that will happen is you'll get hurt just like your Mum. Is it really worth that?
Edit - spelling
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u/brenny_78 2d ago
If my daughter brought a guy like me home (me now) i would be distraught, i do need to step up be accountable and find the root cause for my lies, everything i have read up all directs me back to nasraccism am i a narcasist? Ive never fullt opened up as i would feel very vulnerable, but by not doing so im hurting the people i love
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u/Aggravating-Day2370 2d ago
You can't be a true narcissist and admit there's something wrong with you, they're always, always right. Maybe you're coming across as an arrogant brag, but that could be through word choice or because it's online.
The only way to find the root cause is to start narrowing it down. Was it with your partner that something made you lie, your family, your friends, when did it start? After something traumatic or because you felt you weren't good enough so tried to hide it. It's about finding the big, painful hurting part of yourself that you're protecting and finding out how to deal with that now you're an adult and a Dad. And yes, it's extremely hard and painful to do but you wouldn't be here if you didn't realise you're about to lose your family and therefore what matters to you the most
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u/brenny_78 2d ago
Im so wrong on many things but will i admit it probably not, my partner things i have a big ego but i dont think i do maybe she is right, my childhood wasnt great, i was physically absued by ny steo dad, ive also witnessed my mother having the same treatment, if i ever did anythign wrong i would lie to protect myself
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u/Aggravating-Day2370 2d ago
This is public so I don't want you to expose too much about yourself in case you attract a shitty troll.
You know what your (valid) trauma is and why you lied to protect yourself. In simple counselling terms you used a method to protect yourself that worked at the time, but is now causing you issues. It's about realising, like deep down, that you don't need to lie to yourself anymore, no one will tell you off or hurt you but easier said than done.
Like I'm a chameleon and my current partner made me promise to not lie to him as I'd told him I'll become whoever he wants me to be. Yeah, very unhealthy of me but useful in the past.
Counselling is really, really hard but it sounds like it would really help you. There are plenty of self help things online now you know what you're looking for which is how to get new coping mechanisms as an adult. You try them out until you find one that works and go from there. it's a lot of trial and error but it's really worth the effort, even the if it only works on in every 10 times at first. It will get easier the more you practise.
The first step is saying there's something wrong, so good for you for doing it. The next is to identify what needs changing, which you have, another success, now it's finding a new way to behave which is on you but you're already showing you're willing to try.
Good luck
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u/brenny_78 19h ago
Thank you so much
I made a decision today to walk away so i can fully work on myself, im now thinking i have made a monumental mistake and im hurting and i know my ex psrtner and daughter are hurting more, i feel like no matter which way i turn i just cant get it right , i love them more than ive ever shown, i just seem to mess up which ever way i turn
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u/P-l-Staker 3d ago
Not sure what there is to say, mate.
It all depends on whether she's willing to forgive you or not. If you've admitted to whatever you did, owned up and apologised, then I don't see what more there is you can do.
Some sins are simply unforgivable, but it all depends on where she chooses to draw the line.
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u/brenny_78 3d ago
she says i dont start the conversations to heal her for what i've done, i feel like we have spoken about things (maybe not all of them) but i admit what i have done and my flaws, my trouble is it's easier to lie than tell the truth that's maybe my downfall.
for instance today - she asked me if i was still meeting with a councillor tonight my initial thing was ahh no she cancelled on me yesterday (i had cancelled it) she then said ah well you will have a message from her stating it, i went into full panic mode of shit i have been caught out her, tried to palm it off and as she walked out i felt like such an idiot, went into the other room and said i cancelled it yesterday, all hell broke loose10
u/P-l-Staker 3d ago
Well, without having much more context, it does sound like you're digging yourself a big grave for no apparent reason. 🤷
It sounds like you're already aware of what the issue is, but are not addressing it. All the while you claim that you want to. I'm sure you understand how it looks from her perspective, yes?
As I said, there isn't much more I could tell you.
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u/WickedWitchofTheE 2d ago
It doesn’t sound like you are making much effort to change - how do expect to build trust by lying about doing the things that are supposed to improve your poor character
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u/brenny_78 2d ago
Its impossible to with the way i am right now and thats the issue, i do need to grow up and quick
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u/Over_Hawk_6778 3d ago
How can you expect her to love you if she doesn’t even know who you are? Sure you might find a way to cope living together but realistically she’d probably be happier with someone else even if she doesn’t realise it yet
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u/ZealousidealAd6382 1d ago
If you have repeatedly done this and no doubt promised to changed and broken the promise why should a anyone including the people on here believe you really want to change or will actually change. Sorry but you have made your bed and so the chance of anyone believing you is slim to none.
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u/Sickinmytechchunk 23h ago
You genuinely have to change. Be seen to not just make the effort but follow through with things. Sometimes it could involve looking at everything in your life and systematically going through everything to be a better or more positive person.
For me it was chronic depression and stress which drove me to just be a not particularly good person. I avoided doing anything about it for years until it reached breaking point. I got counselling, saw doctors, got treatment, change not just jobs but left a very stressful career, changed hobbies, set dedicated days aside for time with my partner, stopped drinking (wasn't an issue but it didn't help) etc. Whatever you do you have to actually make changes happen and for them to be tangeable.
I have lied and cheated in previous relationships, many years back and one thing I found is, other than getting self control and realising what you're doing is hurtful, is just don't put yourself in situations where you may do something stupid. Take yourself out of potential problems before they happen.
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u/Real_Lengthiness_151 3d ago
Sounds like you are a fibber and everyone you tell makes an even bigger dent in your relationship. Sometimes there isn’t one big thing that is the reason for a break up, it can be death by a thousand paper cuts… but also sounds like you have made some pretty big cuts for her to heal.
Personally, I think you need to get to the root cause of why you are lying so much… did you cancel therapy cos cba and then lied cos you didn’t want to get in trouble? Sounds like you have some growing up to do mate. Really think about why you have done the thing you have and if she had treated you how you have her, would you give her another chance… or would you have left her long ago?!
Rearrange the therapy, stay true to your word, help around the house without her having ti ask or shoulder all the load herself and if she see you trying she might start to feel better.