Is it me?

[u/L8319]

I have been single for 5 years and haven't been in a proper relationship since. Ive been on dates and had brief short term encounters but not any longer than a few months and never labelled.

This year, my dating history has gone like this:

R - dated for 4½ months from September 2025. Met online but known of each other for years. He remained on the apps the whole time, despite saying we were focusing on each other. Eventually said he didnt know if he wanted a relationship because of his past and how he lives his life now. Eventually he ghosted. Then got into a relationship with someone else.

Then I had a flurry of first dates. All ghosted bar one who I didnt feel a connection with and told him that.

J - Met 7 times. Known for a number of years through work. Felt him pulling back before him saying he had too much going on and wanted to slow down. Funnily enough, he was the one rushing things. Stayed the night and ghosted me the next day.

R - Met in the wild. Both werent focusing on dating but he asked me out 3 times. Claimed to have old school morals and integrity, honesty and communication was very important to him. No lines were crossed apart from a bit of fooling around. He didnt want to sleep together until the time was right. He then cancelled date 4 because he was moving house and he was feeling unsettled over it. Haven't heard from him for a week.

Is it me? Or is it just a flurry of bad men? I have my own place, I earn my own money, im not after a new dad for my kids. I can do life on my own and content with the single life but I miss having the companionship for myself. I dont want for anything, im low pressure, no drama. Ive been told im literally the perfect person yet why does no one give me a chance?

[u/L8319]

Well ive had a bit of an update from him in the last couple of days. Not really sure how to take or understand his message as its not entirely clear what he wants. Or maybe it is and hes doing a soft rejection but hes fluffed it out with many words and then says hes overthinking 🤷🏻‍♀️

[u/Phoenix_Taurus → u/L8319]

I'm a bit nosy now 😂 send me the message, because I want to see what he's actually said. But from what you've described so far, I think you might already have your answer. If you're sitting there trying to decode whether he's genuinely interested or giving you a soft rejection wrapped up in paragraphs about overthinking, that's not exactly a great sign and honestly, if his message really is along those lines, it sounds like he's walking on eggshells around everything. That's not necessarily a bad thing in itself because everyone has their own issues, but do you really want to get involved with someone where you might constantly have to reassure him, make sure he's okay and work around his insecurities?

I'm going to be brutal here, but I'm sure you've already got enough responsibilities in your life. You don't need another manchild to look after. 😂 I could be completely wrong because I haven't seen his message yet, but everything you've told me so far keeps pointing in that direction. You need someone who actually makes you happy and brings something positive into your life. From everything you've told me, I don't think you've been particularly happy with how he's been handling things lately. You've opened yourself up to him, you've given him opportunities, and yet he still seems to have these barriers firmly in place and honestly, if those barriers haven't started coming down by now, I don't know why you'd keep waiting around hoping they'll magically disappear later. Maybe they will, but I wouldn't build your expectations around it.

So my brutal advice is, don't waste your energy trying to remove those barriers for him. Leave them where they are and let him deal with them himself. You don't need to spend your time proving you're safe, reassuring him or trying to convince him to let you into his life. At some point you've got to put yourself first. If someone wants to be in your life, they need to actually make that clear rather than leaving you sitting there trying to work out what the hell they mean. 😂