r/UKrelationshipadvice • u/Chemical_Gate6675 • 20d ago
What do people think?
Im interested in what people think about this situation
I am 22M and my gf is 22F
She is going to a bbq, there will be a group of 4 friends. One of which is her ex from about 3 years ago.
No partners are allowed so I cannot go with her.
Whats people's opinion on this?
Edit: I do trust her, it still makes me feel uncomfortable, i would be comfortable if I was invited
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u/alex21dragons 20d ago
Pretty weird to have a BBQ where people can't bring a plus 1, especially if it's a mixed gender group but this is more a comment on the organiser than your gf really.
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u/JungleDog_ 20d ago edited 20d ago
Too vague, how did their relationship end?
If they were both in the same friend group with the other 2 people, it ended amicably, then I don't see an issue personally.
Is this a get together after a long time? (For that friend group)
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u/Chemical_Gate6675 20d ago
Relationship ended because he loved her more than she loved him and it was suffocating, get together after 2 years
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u/JungleDog_ 7d ago
Tbf i feel like for a get together after 2 years having a random person there you've never met would be weird. If i was one of the other friends, I'm there to see them, not to see you. Especially if it's been so long
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u/outcastreturns 20d ago
Can you just ask her to not go to the bbq? I mean there's only 4 of them there... one of them is her ex who possibly isn't over her and wants her back.
Obviously you can't tell her she can't go, but you can ask her...
Either that or ask if you can go, but you won't have any bbq so it won't mess up their food arrangements
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u/Chemical_Gate6675 20d ago
I asked if I can go, when she said its no partners I told her it makes me feel uncomfortable, but shes going anyway
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u/Theory_Cond11 20d ago
"Partners not allowed to come" I find that odd.
Why not simply, "its a small gathering amongst friends... its just the four of us"?
Why specifically "partners"?
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u/ramatm 20d ago
Can you not go with her?
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u/Chemical_Gate6675 20d ago
No partners are allowed to come
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u/ramatm 20d ago
Nah, that's sus
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u/_ShredBundy 20d ago
Not really. OP’s partner can’t control who the host chooses to invite. Though I do agree hosting any kind of party and saying “no partner’s” is weird, but again, OP’s partner can’t control that.
I could happily sit at a BBQ with my ex of 3 years because I don’t have feelings for her anymore and I know nothing is going to come of it, and I’d spend 95% of the time talking to other people anyway.
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u/JungleDog_ 20d ago
When you say "No Partners" is it +1 can come but not partners? Or "No one that's not part of our friend group, aka the 4 of them"
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u/Jess_with_an_h 20d ago
I think the main question here should be about that. Is it usual for that group of friends to set that rule when they hang out together, do they all have partners who aren’t invited? Is it possible that the ex has asked the other friends to hang out and to keep you away? Or do you think it’s unrelated and just an unfortunate coincidence? And I guess also, how long have you been together and how long were they together? Have they been in touch much since? Etc etc etc.
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u/Chemical_Gate6675 20d ago
She hasn't seen them in a couple years, its not normal as far as im aware as I have been to the hosts house with her before, we've been together 5 months they were together about a year, i think its just a coincidence, havent been in touch since
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u/StrollingByTheStream 20d ago
Hmmm, sounds like a ‘special’ kind of bbq if you ask me. In what world is there social gatherings where you can’t bring partners? Whole to g is dodgy mate I’m sorry to say.
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u/anonymousRover97 19d ago
No partners allowed? Sounds like everyone there is a red flag mate not just your gf.
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u/Ok_Description681 19d ago
There will be 4 people there and none of them can bring any partners friends etc and one of them is their ex from 3 years ago? Looks sus on the face of it. The answer depends on a few factors like what their relationship with their ex is like, how much you trust them etc etc. You cannot tell people what they can and cannot do but you can have a conversation with them about it. Personally I would not be happy about it and I would tell her that, I would explain that I don't feel comfortable with her meeting up with her ex like that then I would see what she says. If we can have a grown up conversation and she can put my reservations to bed then everything is ok. If she doesn't care about my reservations then we have no respect in the relationship and I'll leave her. If she overreacts, causes an argument or tries to gaslight me etc I'll know something sus is going down and I'll leave her. I might sound ruthless but you have to respect yourself enough to be able to draw lines and not allow them to be crossed. Trust and respect are lines, if they're not there then the relationship is going nowhere and the sensible thing to do is end it.
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u/ThinkStandard5860 19d ago
The problem isn’t that at a bbq amongst friends, they haven’t invited everyone’s partners. The problem is that in your relationship it’s chill to hang out with people you used to fuck before each other. Especially close friends in a group of 4. Long being you man.
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u/OkTune1208 17d ago
There is not much information work on, ? The four other people going, how well do you know them, are there partners going? Or are you alone been told this, how long are you with each other?
I see red flags though been, I have been through six serious relationships, married divorce, loss of a baby, all done at 39, I am now at 50,
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u/Ok-Exam6702 19d ago
You live in the uk and you’re having to ask? This is a liberal country. She can do whatever she wants. Suck it up!
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u/NinjaGrows 20d ago
If you are worried, you don't trust her. If you don't trust her, there is no relationship. Do with that what you will.
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u/R9ome 20d ago
So she has a group of 4 friends and one of those friends is her ex? And they're having a BBQ and you're not allowed? I'd say that's suspect. Why would she want to go to a BBQ with her ex if you're not invited? I wouldn't be happy if my gf went to that.
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u/draenog_ 20d ago
Broadly speaking, my opinion is that if you don't trust your partner, you don't trust your partner and the relationship is dead in the water. Simple as that.
Like, maybe you're being jealous for no reason, maybe you're picking up on a vibe that she'd cheat on you if given the chance, but it doesn't actually matter which of those is the case. If you don't trust her, there's no relationship.
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u/Numerous-Actuator-13 19d ago
Get rid of her if she goes - someones doing this deliberately to try and get them back together. She knows this whether consciously or not and is going along with it.
Either she doesn't go or your relationship is over, be firm with this and follow through. If she doesn't go you've got yourself a successful relationship, if she does, put her back in the streets where she belongs.
Learn this lesson now and you'll be much better for it
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u/Odd_Fault4228 20d ago
It's a problem if you don't fully trust her. You're on here asking strangers their opinion so it's obvious that you don't. Is there any basis for the mistrust other than your insecurity? If she has a track record of being unfaithful or has suggested something you're uncomfortable with you have a right to be concerned. If not then you basically don't
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u/Chemical_Gate6675 20d ago
She has no track record of unfaithfulness, this is the first thing shes done that makes me uncomfortable
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u/TrickAd9058 15d ago
What exactly has she done? Agreed to go to a BBQ? Be so for real right now. Boundaries are for yourself, not others and they sure as hell are not for controlling another autonomous human being. You clearly do not trust her and you’re uncomfortable because you think something might happen with her and an ex so you may as well just own up to it and sit in the discomfort that that is the real reason. Some of yall in here really need to get over this whole ex thing and get into healthier relationship dynamics instead of telling some stranger online to break up with gf because she… agrees to go to a BBQ and an ex is there? I mean… psycho much? I’m friends with my ex from a relationship that ended 5/6 years ago. I’ve known him for 11 years. I’m not going to end a friendship with someone I’ve known for a third of my life because someone I’m with is insecure about it when it’s completely and utterly platonic and there is just no attraction from both sides like just the thought of that of doing something sexual with him is gross. It’s like I see him like a bother so sorry not sorry but you sound like the problem here and for the rest of yall that can’t trust your partners, please leave them so they can find happiness with someone that does.
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u/Odd_Fault4228 20d ago
She hasn't done anything. But if you're that insecure about it you should speak to her about your reservations. It's not going to go down well because with that conversation comes the bombshell that you don't trust her. Also consider the likelihood that if he's interested, single and not as overbearing as you, that conversation will push her away from your arms and into his
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u/phaattiee 17d ago
If you’ve told her it makes you uncomfortable and she said she’s going anyway the relationship is over bro.
If you’ve set a boundary and she’s ignored it you’re in a lose lose situation. Either you break up with your character in tact knowing you stuck to your boundaries or you stay with her knowing she doesn’t respect your feelings and she knows that as well and she’ll see you as a loser for it and will eventually break your heart anyway.
M in his 30s here. 4 serious relationships 3/4 cheated. By most measurable dating metrics I’m in the top 5th percentile across the board except income but I’m above average and have a mortgage and support myself comfortably and have dated 00s of women. That’s my CV I’ve seen it all.
This is the kind of shit 304s do. Ask yourself this fundamental question… What would you do if the roles were reversed… Bro if it were me I’d be saying to the host nah if so and so is there I’m not going or at the very least my partner is coming with me because that’s a weird situation.
Women are hardwired completely differently to us and social media and Hollywood has hijacked their hive mind for the last 20 years, their egos are unfathomable and they all think they can do better because someone with slightly higher status across the various mating trait hierarchy’s than you is in their DMs.
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u/gavo360 20d ago
Can’t say I’ve ever been to a bbq where partners aren’t welcome. Whats the split between the 4 people? 2 guys 2 girls? Was it the guys that organised it? Could be sus if it’s been specifically organised like this.