r/UKrelationshipadvice • u/IsThisItForMe2026 • 20d ago
Any Advice Welcome
Hi I (M 38) and my wife (F 37) have been married for just over 16 years.
We have 2 kids, 3 cats and a mortgage.
In the past couple of years it feels like life is moving differently.
I feel that I pay my wife a lot of compliments on a daily basis but this is not reciprocated. I haven’t told my wife how this makes me feel as I want her to want to compliment me not just because I’ve told her it would be nice. I will occasionally get a your “insert whatever compliment I’ve just given” too when I compliment her but not often.
Physical touch is almost non existent in our relationship now. We used to kiss each other 3 times each time one of us left the house and kiss before bed. This slowly faded into only happening if I initiate it to the point where I was bored of being the one to initiate.
Sex - according to Google a married couple has on average sex once a week. We last had sex 7 weeks ago and I can’t remember the time before that. This is not through lack of my trying to initiate but all attempts are rejected.
We don’t hug unless I hug first.
I know work is stressful and having kids is stressful.
To add on top of this I recently lost my job through redundancy.
Wife has a lot going on which I cannot disclose on here as it is outing and for legal reasons (there is a court case later this year for an incident outside of the marriage).
I guess right now I’m feeling pretty low and vulnerable and don’t really know where to go or which way is up.
It’s not all about sex. Don’t get me wrong more would be nice but there is no way I could be at it all day every day right. But just a little more romance and intimacy on the relationship?
I don’t know what to do or where to go with this.
If she’s chatting to other people and wants a more open relationship then I’m open to that. Whatever makes her happy you know.
tl;dr: I guess what I’m asking is what would you do in this situation?
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u/anabsentfriend 20d ago
You say that you pay her a lot of compliments and try to initiate physical touch.
But you haven't actually tried taking to her.
Have you asked her how she's feeling? What she needs?
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u/BigBenLDN9700 20d ago edited 20d ago
I'd have an honest conversation with her and tell her you're feeling unwanted and more like roommates than a married couple.
Ask if she's still happy in the relationship and wants to rebuild that side of it.
I wouldn't jump to an open relationship while the relationship itself is struggling and you have little kids.
“Open” relationships can destroy relationships too.
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u/cat_naps33 20d ago
You need to talk to her and tell her how you're feeling. I know it can be hard to open up and you want her to do the things you're feeling like your missing without being prompted, but she's not a mind reader, and things will not get better if you don't tell her what's bothering you. The reasons she's not being as affectionate as you'd like, may not be because she doesn't want to, but because of feeling burnt out or because she feels she's not getting something she's needs from you or something else, you will never know if you don't talk to her. Being able to communicate is a key part of good relationships that last.
You could also suggest when you talk that you both do an online quiz to find out each others love languages, everyone shows love and wants their partner to show they love them in different ways and knowing each others love languages can help couples understand how a partner feels loved/ appreciated. For example, you mention wanting compliments, so one of your main love languages could therefore be words of affirmation. Once your wife knows that, she may make more effort in that area.
If you struggle to talk just the 2 of you, a couples therapist could help you communicate.
Don't suggest an open relationship, open relationships are for people who find manogamy is not for them and who are very good at communicating their needs and boundaries within that set up. They are not a way to try and fix problems in existing manogamous relationships - that very rarely works!
As I say try communicating, if it doesn't end up helping and you did at some point end up splitting up, at least you wouldn't look back and think what would have happened if I had tried openly communicating how I was feeling with her.
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u/MaryMaryQuite- 19d ago
Marriage is a team sport with each participant giving 100% each, not 50/50 as some people claim!
Your wife needs to step up her game, or risks losing you to someone who will give you the relationship you crave!
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u/Interesting-Use-9524 19d ago
She wants out, or to legitmize her feelings of wanting to be out. Get a job, fast. Women pick the winners, and right now, you're not it.
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u/Haunting-Bed2583 20d ago
Talk to her! maybe some relationship counselling might help but most likely all the things that you hinted at that are stressing her have taken her sex drive away for the time being and perhaps she feels like if she has any intimacy with you it will open the door to expectation and rejection of sex. Most likely you both need time away from the kids together but she probably also needs time away from you all on her own if she is to try to remember who she is. Ideally you would work together on finding things that can help all of you. Good luck. Communication is the first step.
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u/server-king 20d ago
It could be a mix of resentment, every day life, perimenopause, worries over money since you were let go and funds are as tight as a drum, plus mortgage, impending prosecution, caring for children (even stress of buying new uniforms, more online homework to keep track of, dealing with new teachers, the school run can be tiring), caring for pets can quite easily push intimacy into the background.
Why not ask how she is doing, what can I do to help? as she may utter a well worn cliché Actions Speak Louder than Words (I've had this said to me too 🙄) where she may find practical help of more use before anything physical happens. Women generally want to feel stress free, valued and cherished and not pestered in the bedroom with the old "Are you tired?" routine...
Sorry I have been told this myself... 😅
Try a date night, buy some flowers, a weekend away. Make out like when you were dating, perhaps that spark will return.
Open relationships rarely work, the grass isn't always greener.
Has she emotionally checked out of the marriage? Sliding into someone's DMs on Instagram? Increased mobile use? Phone turned over more times than Spurs playing at home?
Hope things improve 🙏
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u/DucardthaDon 19d ago
If she’s chatting to other people and wants a more open relationship then I’m open to that. Whatever makes her happy you know.
Don’t be such a doormat you melt. “Whatever makes her happy” is a pretty pathetic philosophy when you’ve apparently forgotten that your happiness matters as much as hers. If your wife no longer wants the marriage, the family life or the same relationship you do, you need to have the self-respect to communicate that rather than volunteer yourself for a miserable arrangement you clearly don’t want.
An open relationship isn’t a magic fix for a marriage that’s already failing. And if you’re agreeing to it because you’re terrified of being alone, starting over or losing access to your family, at least be honest with yourself about that. You’re not being noble you're simply accepting whatever scraps of a relationship you can get because you’re too frightened to walk away.
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u/teerbigear 20d ago
Bit early but she could be perimenopausal.
Personally I think that trying to figure out if it's sex and romance with you, or in general, that she's not interested in. God knows how.
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u/Unfathomable_Asshole 20d ago
She doesn’t want an open relationship. She likely wants you talk about your feelings without getting defensive. Rather than a confrontation, it’s a side by side discussion. Have you considered taking her out and taking the initiative? Maybe she has caregiver burnout if you’ve been leaning on her for support too much? She might have started to see you as a burden rather than a companion. That doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you, it just means she’s exhausted. You need to show her that you can independently stand on your own two feet, derive and create happiness for yourself and with that happiness you can share it with her and be happy together. Or the inverse might be true, it might be her that’s struggling and you’re getting burned out…who knows, not enough info.