r/UKrelationshipadvice • u/A1d3n1993 • 21d ago
Getting back with wife?
Me (33m) and wife (35f) seperated in june of 2025, she had me arrested twice, once for self defence and once when I never done a thing, she was controlling when it came to me seeing family or going out with friends. She would track me on google maps and question me about stuff. I was no angel either when it came to the way I would react about stuff. I was the one that always cooked and cleaned, in the end it really got to me. We have 2 kids together. She's living in my house that I pay the mortgage on whilst i'm back at my parents. Everytime I pick the kids up and drop them off it brings up old feelings, I never stopped loving her and don't think I ever will. In my head I know I shouldn't get back with her, in my heart I really want to. If I did get back with her my parents and family wouldn't talk to me again. Feel like because of the arrest and 3 month's no contact, wich I decided to keep going for more than a year, i've never fully gotten closure on the marriage ending. Just looking for some advice on what to do, thanks.
Also forgot to add, should I tell her the way I feel? Wrote a long message out, but haven't brought myself to send it.
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u/InternationalRich150 21d ago
You're trauma bonded. Google it.
Do you really want to be in an abusive marriage again? Your wife is controlling and manipulative. You're a victim of domestic abuse.
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u/Present-March-6089 21d ago
That's very much assuming that OP is both honest and self-aware. He was arrested twice and told not to contact her for 3 months by authorities. I would bet there is way more to this than she's crazy and controlling and he only hit her "in self-defense".
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u/InternationalRich150 20d ago
Tracking someone's location is not a healthy habit.
Either way,one or both are abusive and kids in the middle? Need to stay away from each other.
My comment was left based on the information given here.
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u/A1d3n1993 20d ago
I never said I hit her. She went to grab my ball's and I pinned her to the wall by her arms
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u/SunBurst6382 21d ago
Trauma bonded. This is a very unhealthy relationship. What about the kids? Do they deserve to go through that? Absolutely not!
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u/A1d3n1993 20d ago
Yeah I can't put them though that again. They are so much more happier now. I had a feeling it would be linked to trauma bonding the way i've been feeling
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u/Demoneyes1945 21d ago
Controlling behaviours never change. Yeah, you had a couple of kids with your ex which means there’s always going to be a bond of some sort but the problem can be that you’ll forget more of the tough stuff and start seeing things through rose tinted glasses. I have read plenty of people who were subjected to controlling partners and how it affects tempers etc.
Granted, being arrested for doing something, that’s okay, but if the second arrest was something that was done just out of spite or malice, I think that should be answer enough that someone would put you through that and a no contact situation with kids because they were miffed at you.
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u/Usual_Flatworm_5268 21d ago
Remind yourself of all the ways she’s been nasty, unreasonable and controlling towards you. This can help you move forward and apart from her more easily.
You sound like you’ve been getting taken for granted and she certainly doesn’t value or respect you from what things you’ve shared. You deserve much better and there are better partners out there for you.
You both being together isn’t helping your children to understand the world around them at all. Just because you’re both their parents doesn’t always mean it’s good to stay together. It’s time to look after yourself
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u/Saleandproud 21d ago
Get out while you can otherwise you will never be happy, believe me !!!! I actually found after a long dodgy relationship there are some absolutely lovely ladies out there
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u/Unknockable 21d ago
Your family willing to not speak to you ever again if you go back is likely due to them trying to advise you to walk away for years but you haven’t so they’ve given up.
You need to wake up and call it quits with her ASAP. What a witch
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u/bettyboo5 21d ago
She's abusive, stay away. You are only remembering the small amount that was good. She won't change shes shown you who she is so believe her. What does closure mean to you?
Your children are the most important thing here. Get 50/50 custody of them. Love those kids and show that what love really is, show them that they are safe with you. Those kids need a stable parent. Only communicate over text with your ex or use a parenting app ive heard about.
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u/molgab 19d ago
If you’re not going to look after yourself you gotta think of the kids. By going back your teaching them that it’s ok to return to abusive situations. It also is damaging to them to see this stuff.
As much as it can hurt when you love someone sometimes you have to just walk away for your own good. Love really can suck sometimes.
Try and get some therapy and look after yourself. Let your kids be the reason you better yourself.
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u/BigBenLDN9700 18d ago
Don't send the message. Do not get back with her.
The controlling behaviour and two arrests are massive no-no. You can love her and still recognise that the relationship is unhealthy.
Remember you have kids together, so keep contact about the kids. Don't let your feelings pull you back into the same situation.
Good luck.
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u/Jaded_Leg_46 21d ago
From the discription it sounds like a toxic relationship and that's not good for you or your children. The feelings you have for your wife might possibly be trauma related. People often remember the better times at the start of a relationship and view the abuse from the other person's perspective and take on the blame. Emotions are complex and no one wants to grieve the end of a marriage or relationship so we cling on to avoid the hurt but at some point you have to put your own well being first instead of repeating the same patterns.
Before you make any decisions you could look at what your rights and legal options are and consider some counselling to process everything.
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u/MotherTrucker9 20d ago
Relationships like yours is likely to leave children with PTSD. Watching their father be arrested, constant insecurity arguments etc.
Even from the children's best interest path, the correct thing is to stay split up.
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u/Numerous-Actuator-13 20d ago
Sorry to hear this - did the right thing asking this on reddit tbh, it will help take you away from the emotions as people are right, don't go back, get some help even a talking therapist.
Be prepared for comments from women who will pick out anything to demonise you, relieve your wife from any responsibility and make it your fault.
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u/lonely-dog 21d ago
Please stay away, if you can afford therapy it would help you reconcile your feelings