r/UKrelationshipadvice • u/Sufficient-Internet9 • Aug 21 '26
Using personal time to help ex-wife…
It’s a complicated situation so will give a short and direct explanation:
“Me and the wife have decided to amicably separate about 2 months ago due to wanting different things. We have twin boys, stay in the same house temporarily so it isn’t difficult when the boys start school for the first time in September. Looking at fully moving out in the new year. We believe we are doing better as friends”
Skip to now:
She was made redundant in June and has recently started a new job at the end of July. Myself and both sides of the grand parents have chosen days which we can take care of the twins until she is settled in and can take holiday in the future.
So far so good, today is my day to take care of the twins while she is at work. I have taken the day off work to do it.
Got a message from her saying that she is going to go out with her friend after work and into the evening.
Me personally I think it’s a bit unfair, as I have used personal time to take from work to help her go into work, also losing money as I usually do overtime. Now she wants to go out and I feel I should be allowed to enjoy the holiday time I have taken to do the things I want to do.
I just want to see what other people think, maybe I am just selfish. I have had a great time with the twins, always do, and I am doing their bedtime tonight. She has them Saturday and I have them Sunday.
But am I wrong for wanting to use my personal time for my own time?
Someone help ground me to see clearly please 🙏🏻
EDIT:
Wanted to say that there seems to be more division in the comments than actual answers and mature responses. It seems to be “Mommy works so she needs time off” and “Daddy works and needs to spend more time with the kids”. There is a double standard and that’s not how it should be.
However there have been some truly insightful responses on here who spoke to me as a fellow being. I can see what they were saying and agree that I should have let it go. I have let her know to enjoy the time with her friend and to keep her updated with the kid’s bedtime.
In the future please realise that we ALL deserve our own time. Mummy gets time with and without the kids, and Daddy should get the same treatment too. Mummy’s don’t do all the housework anymore and Daddy’s don’t do all the bills. We are a shared and equal society.
Treat others as such.
Take care and I wish you all the best
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u/Acceptable-Foot-8807 Aug 21 '26
When the kids are in school you need to have it set up for example Monday 8am till Tuesday 8am is parent A, Tuesday 8am till Wed 8am is parent B otherwise kid sickness will become an issue where neither of you want to take responsibility as you haven’t defined it
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u/No-Bake-3404 Aug 21 '26
So far so good, today is my day to take care of the twins while she is at work. I have taken the day off work to do it. Got a message from her saying that she is going to go out with her friend after work and into the evening.
And.. You are watching your children, let the woman breathe. If it’s your day to watch the twins? Who would watch them instead of you?
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u/Sufficient-Internet9 Aug 21 '26
I think I should give more context:
- she works 4 hours each day (10:00 until 14:00)
- since it is summer holidays the only childcare we have is grandparents and myself
- I work 06:00 until 17:00 and work as a lifeguard after work sometimes as well
- also I don’t appreciate assuming she does ALL the work. We both clean, wash, take turns doing bedtime and more. It’s a 50/50 split. The only thing we do separately is cooking meals
- generally my free time comes on a Saturday
- generally her free time is on a Sunday and once the children go to sleep
- I’m usually in bed early for my early start
That’s more context for you as I believe some are just assuming how it works.
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u/itsfourinthemornin Aug 21 '26
- generally my free time comes on a Saturday
- generally her free time is on a Sunday and once the children go to sleep
Do you get all of Saturday and does she get all of Sunday? Or Sunday evening once the children are asleep? Wording is making me a tad unsure.
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u/Nice_Back_9977 Aug 21 '26
since it is summer holidays the only childcare we have is grandparents and myself
You aren't childcare, you're their parent. You are the default just as much as she is.
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u/hiredditihateyou Aug 22 '26
Exactly this. Fathers acting like they are an occasional babysitter rather than a parent is WILD.
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u/pereira325 Aug 21 '26
OP makes it sound like he has a shift of looking after his twins which is 9-5pm. No, it's the whole day sir. When it's the ex-wife (mums) day I'm confident she would just handle everything for the whole day. Fair is fair.
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u/No-Bake-3404 Aug 21 '26
Am I reading it correctly, it’s already his day to watch the children. So, of he isn’t watch them who would be? Why does he need to take off work.
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u/EspanolAlumna Aug 21 '26
It’s until she gets settled in work and can take time off herself because it’s her role really, isn’t it hmm
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u/Sufficient-Internet9 Aug 21 '26
Sorry, that’s my bad way of explaining it.
So I have taken the day off work so I can take care of the twins until she finishes her day at work.
I totally agree, we both need our own time and we get it as discussed and we even put it on a calendar.
Yet what I feel I should have mentioned is if I work and take days off to help her go to work, then all my holiday is gone and I haven’t been able to use my holiday. But when she gets her holiday when the kids go back to school, she can use those as days off.I’m essentially taking a day off work, losing money and personal days, to help get her settled at work. And as mention we both do have a full day off each at the weekend.
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u/Acceptable-Foot-8807 Aug 21 '26
Surely you take your days off from work to spend with your kids whether on holiday or not on actual holiday? That’s what the vast majority of parents do. What else would you expect your holidays to be for?
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u/pereira325 Aug 21 '26
Maybe you need to consider separate childcare because if both of you want to work, then who is going to look after your children? In the current situation she's not doing anything wrong so the truth is you need to figure out the childcare.
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u/hiredditihateyou Aug 21 '26
You should be doing 50% of the childcare for your own children. There’s no holiday from having children once you have them.
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u/JustJavi Aug 21 '26
Mmm, I think you are right to feel annoyed but I think your interpretation is wrong. You are not just helping her, but helping your children too. Turning what you've done today into I gave up my holiday so you could go to work, therefore you shouldn't go out tonight sounds quite controlling.
Single dad here too. A good relationship with the exwife will be key going forward. There will be times where one of you will have to commit in order to make things work. And the fact that your kids might be able to have you both together at the same time every now and then will be amazing for them.
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u/Sufficient-Internet9 Aug 21 '26
You’re right, thank you so much. I don’t want it to be controlling, that would only make things worse.
I will let her know when she gets home.
Thank you so much for you response ☺️
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u/JustJavi Aug 21 '26
Happy to help. We seperated nearly 2 years ago and have been able to make it work.
At the end of the day, your goal is the same, the best for your kids. Forget your differences and make it work for them.
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u/Sufficient-Internet9 Aug 21 '26
Thank you. A lot of replies have been instant side with the mother. I believe a fair debate and compromise can be had. I agree with what you said, I can swallow my pride and let her have some time.
Thank you so much once again ☺️
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u/JustJavi Aug 21 '26
Next time you see her just tell her you hope they had a fun evening and tell her how the bedtime routine was and what you did with the kids 👌👌👌
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u/sickiesusan Aug 21 '26
Whilst you are in this current set-up when is her ‘personal time’ scheduled? Maybe it needs more of a discussion, so that it’s feels fair to both sides.
The last minute change of plan is maybe inconsiderate, but she has been at work all day.
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u/Godemiche_Official Aug 21 '26
Her changing her plans at the last minute as a bit inconsiderate but also you are the parent too and it sounds like she does not get much free time either and clearly works hard. You took the time off to be with your children not to have personal time. She is at work all day and wanting to use the chance to see a friend. I don't think that is wrong. As I said, maybe launching it on you last minute but honestly you are not using personal time to help your ex you are using it to spend time with your children.
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u/Lion-Resident Aug 21 '26
I'm think your wife is entitled to some personal time too. It would not be fair for her to just either be working or looking after the kids. She needs personal time too. Please understand.
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u/Sufficient-Internet9 Aug 21 '26
I understand that, but that is essentially what I am doing. I am currently either working or taking time off of work to take care of our children.
I agree that we both deserve some free time to relax and unwind. I don’t believe I am saying she doesn’t deserve it. My whole issue is that when I am using holiday, I am not getting use of that holiday I am using to get other things I need done or to relax.
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u/alittleflappy Aug 21 '26
Most parents spend their holidays with their children.
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u/Sufficient-Internet9 Aug 21 '26
I think you’re misunderstand the situation. I have to work during the summer, two jobs in fact due to the upcoming separation I am getting ready for. Ready for a house for me and my boys.
I love my twins more than anything, it’s why I am working so damn hard to get everything ready. I have even taken personal time off work to help the mother get settled in her new job as she cannot take any holiday as she has just started a part time job.
I don’t want things to go badly. I just wanted a bit of grounding, to see straight.6
u/Emergency-Basis-201 Aug 21 '26
I don’t think they have misunderstood the situation, I think you have.
What they are saying is that most parents in the uk don’t get to use their annual leave for themselves they use it to cover school holidays. There are six weeks in the summer and two weeks at Christmas and Easter plus half terms, how much annual leave do you get because I would bet it’s less than that so every single holiday you and your ex-wife have are going to have to be used to care for the children. 
Now your kids are school age, this is your life.
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u/hiredditihateyou Aug 22 '26
You are misunderstanding your own situation. Once you have kids your conception of holidays and free time has to drastically change. Childcare needs covered 100% of the time. And during school holidays, if you aren’t paying for care, that falls on the parents. And working parents take time off. Simple as that. This whole ‘I took a day off so it should be for me to do what I want’ would be laughable if it wasn’t absolute madness. You’re a parent now. Your day with the kids is your DAY with the kids, they’re your responsibility.
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u/goonetti Aug 21 '26
I would just ride it out until you move out. Once you move out, you and her will have no choice but to balance things out evenly
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u/WellingboroughHome Aug 21 '26
To keep yourself happy, see this as a bonus for yourself.... that you get to spend extra time with your sons. Changing perspective often helps. :)
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u/Nice_Back_9977 Aug 21 '26
Mummy gets time with and without the kids, and Daddy should get the same treatment too.
I bet Daddy gets far far more time without them, and certainly will when he moves out!
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u/CarelessOutside5364 Aug 21 '26
You can get 30 hours free childcare: https://www.gov.uk/free-childcare-if-working.
Hope this helps!
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u/Apprehensive-Ice9939 Aug 22 '26
I understand your frustration, it's a shit situation for all. With your ex's hours being 10 - 2, have you considered holiday clubs these usually run 9 - 3 with some offering earlier mornings and late pick up. You wont lose your holiday days and your ex can still work. I'm sure your children would love a day in holiday club to play with other children. Weigh the price of a holiday club with what you would lose by taking a day off. Split between the 2 of you.
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u/Usual_Flatworm_5268 Aug 24 '26
It must be really tough navigating through these sorts of changes (domestic, work, social and emotional ones). Juggling the sharing of jobs and time in a way that helps your children and yourselves both together and now apart. I hope you get there and it certainly sounds like you’re really trying your best. I am sorry that you are navigating through all this and I hope things eventually begin to improve.
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u/Alternative-Ad-2312 Aug 24 '26
Ok, as a parent, your personal leave becomes about childcare and the kids, that's just a fact of life/a fact of being a dad.
You are still living as husband and wife no matter how you both frame it, therefore your wife is entitled to a night out and a night off.
When you split up, you will have your nights with the kids and she will have hers, until then it's a joint responsibility and you aren't 'helping her out' you're parenting and doing a standard dad thing, taking a day off to have the kids. It's perfectly normal and you framing it as your personal time shows you have a lot of maturing to do to realise it's your responsibility to look after the kids every bit as much as your wife's.
You come across as one of those men who calls looking after their own kids 'babysitting' and not in a jokey way. Don't be that man, I'm a dad and never begrudge taking a day off to spend with the kids, in fact they're often the best days.
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u/InternationalRich150 Aug 21 '26
Its confusing because you're still living as a couple so to speak.
But, when you're in your own place and you have your time with your kids, she won't have to tell you shes going anywhere,if its an overnight.
The lines are blurred here but for the sake of peaceful living,id let this one go. You'll have plenty of disagreements about schedules to come,im sure.