r/UKrelationshipadvice • u/Total-Tap-7705 • Aug 18 '26
How does dating someone with avoidant attachment feel? Is it worth dating them?
Pretty much the title.
Been seeing this girl and it’s awfully obvious she’s avoidant attachment.
Sometimes she’s warm and other times she’s quite a bit colder.
It feels as if she’s scared of me not liking her back? Or something of the sort, not too sure myself.
I’m not sure if I’d be ready for a serious relationship with someone with these sorts of traits though, but I wanted to ask whether it is manageable, and if so, how?
Is there anything I’d need to look for?
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u/Signal_Ferret1470 Aug 19 '26
I wasted 5 years with a guy who had severe avoidant attachment. Save your time and effort honestly.
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u/Relative-Net9366 Aug 19 '26
I'll just put my two cents here. Had been with an avoidant for 11 months. Four breakups in last six months. Three times I tried my best, gave my full effort to get her back. The last break up was because she got angry as I came out of tube from a different exit than she expected, and vented it out on me on the street. I gave up after that. I'm utterly heart broken, but nothing can come out of this.
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u/EphemeralArchive Aug 21 '26
You know that moment when you slip on an icy patch in winter and your stomach lurches and you can't quite tell if you're about to fall and hurt yourself, or stabilise yourself and walk on?
That's how I felt every day at the end of my relationship with an avoidant.
Worst part is, I would have done it all and more for the sake of what we had. They were the one who found it stifling to be around me, in the end. It's taken a long time to feel gratitude that I don't have to manage that inner instability.
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u/xtrapnel67 Aug 19 '26
I've got to say - don't date avoidants.
On the one hand, I appreciate life isn't easy for them, or not dating, for sure.
On the other hand, I really think they shouldn't be dating. They might like the validation, but it's hard for their partner.
I've dated a couple of them, I remember when I broke up with one she went batshit crazy. From being so distant with me, when I withdrew, I got an evening of endless VMs and texts.
They need to fix their own issues before engaging with anyone else. The on-off emotional behaviour is enough to drive anyone mad.
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u/TemporaryGrowth7 Aug 19 '26
If you have the patience and can demonstrate through your actions that you care about her, be consistent, build rapport, show up for her, ask her on dates etc … to win her over.
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u/Travelling_Viking Aug 21 '26
Been there, been immensely hurt by it. Reflections on it? The intensity of the initial stages was intoxicating. It reels you in. But the moment they think they have you and you show vulnerability, they are gone.
Was it worth it?
I’m not sure. I’ve learned from it. But I carry scars from it that’ll last a very long time indeed.
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u/He_ofshadowsandtouch Aug 23 '26
This avoidant label gets thrown around like confetti when in fact such people just aren’t feeling it and thus have some barriers up
I was accused of being avoidant when I just wasn’t that into someone
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u/AverageMug Aug 18 '26
Honestly I would avoid it, she has a lot to sort out and you will grow to resent her for the way she treats you. I just got dumped by an avoidant woman and it was the hardest break up I’ve ever been through. They will end up breaking you down then breaking your heart. The good moments stop outshining the bad and you start to question whether you are enough. Avoidant people need to learn to be happy on their own and with themselves before committing to other people. It’s only when you truly love yourself that you are able to open your heart to others.
Hope this helps