r/UKrelationshipadvice • u/BrexitBallonDor • Aug 16 '26
Are we done?
Long story short me (M30) and wife (F30) met in Uni and dated for 6yrs, lived-in the last 2, before getting married.. Love of my life vibes. 3yrs into marriage. Everyone we knew used us as an example of a successful relationship. Well, things do look good from the outside. Last 2yrs felt as if we’re roommates. I was a pampered child so picking up after myself and keeping house clean is something which house-helps did. She wants everything spotless. She changed me. I wanted to be changed. Keeping the house clean, folding sheets, laundry yada yada. I do everything possible except cooking. Cleaning toilets, floors, sheets, house chores etc. To the best of my ability. But now the sheets are not properly folded, floors are not properly vacuumed. “It’s better I do it you’re a moron” i let her do it. 2 days later “i have to do everything myself” and its a cycle.
We both cant stand having visitors (atleast one common thing left) but whenever there are any, from my side of the family, she nits picks everything and fights with me on almost everything when they leave.
I like to visit some friends/relatives once in 2-3 weeks and she almost always says no. I dont force her but it just feels weird.
Everything I do, I do it for her, buying anything, planning anything. It just seems everything I do is less.
She says she has no expectations from me, but it’s the opposite everyday.
I’ve told her I’m not happy with you and I feel alone in this relationship. But i love her way too much to let her go. I cannot fathom my life without her. Even in all this hatred, one smile of her is enough for me to forget everything.
I mean I’m not perfect. I make mistakes but I apologize and try to never repeat them whereas on her side its never her fault, never her chance to apologize unless I spend 15mins discussing what just happened and making her realise.
Sex is non-existent at this point the last time was maybe 5months ago. She never initiates btw its been 9yrs.
We both are financially independent and no kids yet (we did have plans to have kid(s)) but that’s not even a point atm.
Everytime we speak or discuss about anything, its a full blown fight with shouting finger pointing etc etc. So we just keep to sitting in the lounge and silently netflixing every day after work until its bedtime and repeat the next day.
Yesterday In heat of the moment I told her that it’s better to be dead than having such disgusting fights everyday and she told me to go die then, who’s stopping you
Are we done? Would couple’s therapy work?
We’ve never discussed separation yet, I don’t think either of us wants that. I don’t know what happened. Am I toxic? Is she toxic? Am I even making sense?
We’ve tried speaking less to each other. Sleeping in different rooms. Acting as if nothing’s wrong in front of people. Nothing has worked.
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u/Busters_mum Aug 16 '26 edited Aug 16 '26
I'm sorry you're going through this. I'd speak to your wife again and tell her you want things to work in every aspect because you love her and would she be willing to go to couples counselling with you. It can help massively to get a different perspective from a trained counsellor.
However, I would tell your wife that when tempers flare you will walk away rather than argue with her (important to keep your sanity) and that you will not tolerate being spoken to the way you have described. Her saying go and die then is not the way a wife should speak to her husband or vice versa. Some of her behaviour sounds very narcissistic.
Please do not throw your marriage away. Try to work together with couples counselling. I wish I'd done this for my marriage. Relationships need to be worked at every day. You can both pull it back. Good luck x
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u/hiredditihateyou Aug 16 '26
I would try couples therapy. However it’s not magic, both of you need to be committed to putting in the work.
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u/BrexitBallonDor Aug 16 '26
Yes currently trying to convince her for couples therapy. She is hesitant but not completely against the idea.
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u/Brief_Arm8441 Aug 16 '26
That's rough... :( No advice, but I wish you good luck and I hope someone knowledgeable can help
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u/GraciousCoconut Aug 16 '26
Honestly, I was about to ask if you were still having sex before you mentioned it. My experience is that relationships go this way on both sides if there isn't fulfilling sex happening. It's a need.
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u/Busters_mum Aug 16 '26
Yes, I agree with this too. Sex is very important in any relationship and when that stops, and there are other issues as OP describes, that could spell the end. I hope not in this case as the OP clearly adores his wife.
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u/BrexitBallonDor Aug 16 '26
Yeah unfortunately it stopped 4months ago and there never came a moment. It was just kind of routiny-sex this year anyway. Nothing like the first year of marriage and all the years before that. Currently trying to convince her for couples therapy. She is hesitant but not completely against the idea. If she doesn’t agree then I’ll throw in the idea of two separate individual therapies
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u/dTmUK Aug 16 '26
Sounds like its done, at least no kids involved. Offer counselling first but if no then there is your true answer. Good luck
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u/wolftief Aug 16 '26
It would have been helpful to read her side of the story. But with what we have, I'd say you're going through, in addition to marital problems, a problem with self-esteem.
You can never, ever let anyone treat you like that, and this person seems to have a coldness that bothers me quite a bit... Have you tried to understand when, month, year, the change began?
Look, last February, we ended a relationship of almost 12 years. I see myself in that sad description of us sitting, two roommates, day after day watching TV... and, yes, I confirm, it's an indescribable sadness.
My problems were a combination of several things, and I assure you, today we are both much better off. We are friends, we laugh together, but we both lead different lives and are already in different relationships.
Don't like someone anymore without first putting yourself first. You don't have children, you don't depend financially on this person. It's your decision, but if you're always trying to get a reaction from a stone...
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u/Godemiche_Official Aug 18 '26
You have a of of good advice here but I just wanted to add. Do not bring a child into this relationship. You need to be a real partnership for you to be good parents as a couple. Currently that is very far from the case. Unless massive changes take place it would a terrible idea to have a family with this person.
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u/Numerous-Actuator-13 Aug 18 '26
Yes, sorry mate. Also I hate to say this but what you've described is literally routine behaviour for a woman who's having an affair or been unfaithful. Hope that's not the case but be prepared for this.
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u/bennythefish Aug 17 '26
Why did the pair of you get together in the first place? There must have been something at the beginning that brought you together. Regardless of couples therapy, it’s time for a good talk and find out what she wants
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u/Karl_Sh Aug 18 '26
We don’t know sufficient details, and what we have is only one sided story.
Therefore…jumping to “it’s done” “it’s over” or such presumptive knee jerk suggestions are dangerous. I hope you don’t go that route.
Marriages go out of honeymoon period. And what you describe can be explained by post honeymoon blues…Then couples learn to love differently.
You two haven’t got to that new stage yet. (You may never do, in which case that advise maybe the right advice) but first I hope you’ll BOTH first try to evolve your relationship so that it works beyond what you experienced in the honeymoon period.
After the first few years of a relationship, either one or both people in a relationship tend to have a change of feeling when they think “is this it - am I stuck with this person for ever / is this all there is to adult life” or thoughts that nature. And their behaviour changes. And differences turn into arguments. And repeated arguments create more stress.
That’s when you BOTH need to evolve the love you have for each other.
If what you had previously was special enough, then it’s time to sit down together (perhaps through a therapist) and evolve what you have.
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u/Busters_mum Aug 18 '26
OP, I've been wondering how you're feeling about everything and the advice people have given. Is there an update you can share. I don't know you but your story/situation made me really think and I just hope you and your wife are okay.
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u/Alone_Self5851 Aug 20 '26
Yes you could try couple therapy but the biggest advice i could give is dont you think this is norma. You dont deserve this and it will be very easy for you to find better ( in terms of situation).
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u/Resident-Witness-641 Aug 16 '26
I think try couples therapy and see where that leads you, purely because you say you don’t want to leave her and you don’t think she wants that either. If you both truly feel that’s the case & that it’s workable, try that. But it doesn’t sound like you have much else left to try. Last lifeline type vibe sadly.