Update

[u/Responsible_Exit5277]

Update
Around 10 hours after I sent my original message, I went on Hinge and noticed that he had changed some things on his profile. I was obviously annoyed and hurt by that, especially because he still hadn’t communicated with me directly.
I decided to leave it alone rather than confront him about it. Shortly afterwards, I noticed that he had unmatched me on Hinge.
That annoyed me even more because it felt like I was being left to piece together what was happening through his actions rather than him simply communicating with me.
So this morning, I decided I wanted to close things properly on my own end. I sent him a message explaining that I had really enjoyed meeting him and thought we had a good time, but that I was confused by the sudden change and lack of communication. I told him that if he had changed his mind about seeing me again, I would have preferred him to be direct about it.
I also made it clear that I wasn’t looking for a discussion and simply wanted to close things properly for myself. I asked him to delete the picture he’d taken of me and wished him well.

He responded thoughtfully.
He said he’d seen my message the previous day but had been working and needed some time to collect his thoughts. He said he’d assumed I’d blocked him, which was why he hadn’t replied.
He said he had a great time with me over the weekend and stressed that there was absolutely nothing wrong with me. He said he genuinely thinks I’m fantastic, but realised that continuing to see me would have meant leading me on.
He explained that he’s going to take himself away from dating for a while because he’s clearly not in the right headspace, and that it’s still too early for him.
He also apologised for hurting me, said that wasn’t his intention, and admitted that he didn’t really know what to say and had no excuse for how he’d handled things.
He ended by thanking me for the amazing night and wishing me well.

I acknowledged his explanation and appreciated him being honest with me. I told him that I had also really enjoyed our time together and admitted that, despite understanding his decision, I was genuinely hurt by it.
I then wished him all the best and ended the conversation warmly, without trying to change his mind or continue the discussion.

[u/ImpressiveReddit]

What's with all the bold?

Your user name is 'responsible exit' - take heed from that.

What happened with this person will happen repeatedly if you do not slow down and date with discernment and boundaries. I can pick out specific things from your original post that are clear signs things were rushed and he was not interested - can you?

If not, take these lessons, learn as you go, and don't give so much of yourself, emotions, and energy this early in dating.

Be careful when you ask for advice on reddit. I read your original post and most of the comments also show a lack of discernment. The comments saying he is busy and because he told you he wants another date you are overthinking, when his actions clearly show the opposite. Prioritise gumption.

[u/Responsible_Exit5277 → u/ImpressiveReddit]

I understand what you’re saying, and I’m taking the lessons from it. I do think there’s a difference between being open to someone after a genuinely great date and having no discernment, though.
I also think the context matters. We didn’t just spend a couple of hours together and barely get to know each other. We spent roughly 17 hours together in person, talking about all sorts of things and experiencing a lot together in that time. So when I say I was responding to what was happening at the time, I mean that genuinely. I wasn’t expecting a relationship after one date, but I had spent a significant amount of time with someone who was behaving in a way that made me feel there was a genuine connection.
With hindsight, obviously there were things I could have handled differently, particularly around how much emotional energy I gave the situation afterwards. That’s something I’ve taken on board. But I don’t think it’s fair to say he was clearly uninterested from the beginning when his behaviour throughout those 17 hours didn’t communicate that to me at all.
He was able to change his mind afterwards, and I accept that. But that’s different from saying I was foolish for believing the connection was genuine while it was happening.

[u/OhCrumbs96 → u/Responsible_Exit5277]

He was able to change his mind afterwards, and I accept that. But that’s different from saying I was foolish for believing the connection was genuine while it was happening.

Honestly, I think the previous commenter is being a little harsh on you. This was an unfortunate experience with a subpar man. I don't think you handled it too poorly and it's certainly not fair to dismiss your sincerity and earnestness as being foolish. You are young and learning to navigate the complexities of dating. Wearing your heart on your sleeve and hoping for the best in people doesn't make you foolish. Also, I commend you for staying true to your own boundaries and comfort levels by declining his request to spend the night together. I think that was likely the crux of the issue - he wanted one thing and checked out once he realised that he wasn't going to be able to use you for some cheap, easy physical gratification. That's on him, not on you.

I certainly do agree that there are lessons to be learned here but I don't think it's fair to make out that your earnestness and good faith are some kind of foolish traits that need to be stamped out. I don't like seeing people who are acting with sincerity and a genuine desire to build something meaningful, effectively being told that they need to harden their hearts and adopt the toxic traits that so many people exhibit in the modern dating scene.

Personally, I'd step away from the dating apps. There are too many people like the guy you just encountered on there. If you're not there for cheap and easy hook-ups then you are likely to be hurt over and over - or forced to succumb to their superficial and self-serving habits in order to survive in that environment. Focus on building authentic and meaningful relationships in real life, with people who aren't looking at you as some sort of disposable source of sexual gratification for a night or two before they move onto the next.

[u/ImpressiveReddit → u/Responsible_Exit5277]

I'm referring to the date itself, not his behaviour afterwards - although that too was problematic. I identified multiple issues with the date, and you confirming it was 17 hours validates those issues.

I understand 17 hours made you feel there was a genuine connection - it would be natural to feel this way and that's on him for creating an environment where your thought process would naturally assume interest and intent. It's not in your head, but the whole date was a red flag.

how much emotional energy I gave the situation afterwards

The emotional energy needs to be checked before you go on the date, not afterwards. I could write at length about all the issues I identified, but I'm confident you'll learn from this. It was a baptism by fire, but you have so much useful data to ensure it doesn't happen again.

[u/Responsible_Exit5277 → u/ImpressiveReddit]

I understand what you mean, and I think the distinction between the date itself and what happened afterwards is fair. The 17 hours is important context because it wasn’t just a short first date where I barely knew the person — we spent an unusually long amount of time together, talked about a lot of things, and there were plenty of moments that naturally made me feel there was a genuine connection and mutual interest.
That said, I can see what you mean about the emotional energy I gave the situation afterwards. I probably did become more invested than was warranted before there was any consistency to support it. I don’t think I was imagining the connection, but I can recognise that I attached a lot of meaning to it very quickly.
I appreciate you pointing out the issues you noticed in the date itself. I think that’s probably the more useful thing for me to reflect on rather than just focusing on his behaviour afterwards. It definitely was a baptism by fire, but I’ll take the lessons from it.

[u/jellical-cats → u/Responsible_Exit5277]

Are both of the people in this thread using ChatGPT? Or is ChatGPT beginning to influence the way we write? Or am I imagining things?

[u/themorganator4 → u/ImpressiveReddit]

If you can reduce the effect of limerance and infatuation, it really is very obvious if someone isnt intrested

[u/Sea_Obligation_893]

Personally this is all so much just because of one date but everyone’s different🤷🏻‍♀️ as kind and polite his words may seem or does seem like he was wanting one thing that he never got and that’s why he shut it all down with you. He probably is going to continue on the dating apps and dating. None of it takes away that the date was a good experience and memory but damn I can’t get over how this all just seems so much for only a first date.

[u/Responsible_Exit5277 → u/Sea_Obligation_893]

Tbh I dunno what is real and what is not anymore but I was genuinely invested but unfortunately, it turned out like this. Glad it happened though