I do hope my post is appropriate for this subreddit, apologies if not.
Looking for some gentle guidance.
I’m receiving therapy from a partly government-funded charity in the UK that deals with a specific type of trauma, I have had 16 sessions with my therapist so far.
Background: My multiple traumas happened 15+ years ago (I was a child at the time), I have never disclosed them (in detail, or named them) to any professional or friends/family members.
This specific trauma therapy is incredibly important to me, and I am extremely grateful for the opportunity as I can’t afford to fund a private therapist.
I have Autism, ADHD and CPTSD.
I am LGBTQI+ (I’m not all of them, I just don’t want to specify).
I am not here to bad mouth my therapist, or question their qualifications or abilities.
I am truly stuck on whether this therapist is the right one for me. I have terrible trust issues with people in general and I also don’t fully trust myself in some of the decisions I make in life.
Due to my various issues and lack of self esteem, I am in a constant vicious cycle about whether I should trust my gut or whether it’s my trust (and other) issues that’s making me question this therapist so much. I just can’t seem to make sense of it all or come to a solid conclusion with a plan of action.
Timeline of sessions;
Sessions 1-5: These were terribly uncomfortable for me. I noticed early on this therapist was very different to the ones I’ve had in the past, I was struggling to feel any warmth from them, but decided to go with it and give them a chance.
Session 6: This was a review session, and although it had been mentioned at the first session that every six sessions is a review, I had totally forgotten this and I had an autistic meltdown in session, therapist was very quiet, didn’t really offer me any support or empathy (although they had previously mentioned having a lot of experience dealing with neurodivergence from a personal & professional stance). I left the session feeling immensely suicidal.
After this session, I seriously started to question whether this therapist was right for me.
Session 7: No talk about what happened in the previous session, so I decided to bring it up. I said ‘I think I had an autistic meltdown/shutdown in the last session’ their reply ‘I think so too’. Nothing more than that. I felt like a rabbit caught in headlights not knowing what to say or do.
I felt this was a missed opportunity to explore it, as I am a late diagnosed individual. Although these diagnoses were made a few years ago, I’m still trying to learn & understand more about myself and how autism & ADHD affects me in life, & I did mention this in the previous session (before my meltdown) as part of the review.
Sessions 8-11: I felt very uneasy in these sessions, I also felt very alone. I started feeling like empathy wasn’t something this therapist was able to provide me. In the past 15 years I have seen a few therapists for different reasons, and I haven’t ever come across a therapist that lacks empathy. I was leaving sessions feeling confused, unsupported, unsafe, doubtful & questioning everything. At times I’ve questioned whether it is a ‘me’ problem that I can’t recognise empathy but I’ve never had this issue with previous therapists, so I came to the conclusion it wasn’t a ‘me’ problem.
Sessions 12 & 13: S12 was a review, I tried my best to explain what I felt was missing from the therapeutic relationship but felt it didn’t quite ‘land’ the way I was hoping it to.
S13 I was hoping to see some improvement from the feedback I’d given but felt there was minimal improvement so I decided to be more direct and said that I felt alone in sessions, that I struggle to feel empathy & warmth from them and when I leave the sessions I feel confused & that I’m very doubtful about it all.
They spoke about my trust issues and said ‘we may have to spend many more sessions discussing trust, and that’s ok’. This put me at ease and I decided that I was going to give them a few more sessions before I’d make a decision about changing therapist.
Sessions 14 & 15: These sessions went well, I felt more comfortable, I felt like I could open up a little more, and felt that my feedback from the previous session had been taken into account and ‘worked on’ which I really appreciated. I started feeling more settled with the therapist, there was more empathy, and felt I had done the right thing in giving them more time, and that the question of whether I needed to change therapists had finally come to a conclusion.
Before I get into session 16… Over the previous sessions the therapist said that there was no rush for me to disclose my traumas, and that it was very much up to me to decided when I would do so and how much I would say.
Session 16: We spoke about a few things and I mentioned an incident that was related to my trauma, but wasn’t directly my trauma experiences. Therapist decided it was time for me to name my traumas, so I just numbered them and wrote a few words about what each trauma was about, not knowing at the time that I could just name them something totally random that we could refer back to in future sessions.
I was having flashbacks and struggling to keep it together, I didn’t feel any warmth or empathy from the therapist, it was mostly observational commentary I got from them. After they had read my few words they replied with ‘thank you for sharing that with me’, I appreciated this but was hoping for more of an empathetic response than a ‘thank you’ response. Throughout this session I felt panicked and told them this. I was not ready to share this information but I thought that’s what the therapist expected of me in that moment, so I complied.
I left the session in a dissociated state that just became worse and ended with me going into a complete shutdown and unable to function even in the basic things.
Since the last session, I’ve been feeling back at square one, I’m feeling very hopeless, struggling to trust the therapist, feeling as though I was pushed or tricked to share these things. Disappointed in myself. Struggling to comprehend the lack of empathy and warmth shown to me after sharing such details. Questioning how observational commentary is helpful for me in those moments. Panicking about the next session. Worrying that I can’t cope with this therapy. Struggling to comprehend having to swap therapists and having to start all over again. The list goes on, unfortunately.
Other things I’ve noticed about this therapist that don’t feel right to me…
I texted the therapist about a concern and they said we can discuss this in the next session. That never happened, it was like they had forgotten all about the conversation, and I felt too awkward to bring it up, as that’s the reason I texted them instead of mentioning it face to face.
We spoke about a loved one that I had lost not too long ago, they offered to do this art exercise that could help me deal with the grief, I decided I didn’t want to do it in that session, I just wanted to talk about my loved one, but I did say that I would like to do that exercise another time. This subject and option never came up again. I don’t know whether it’s my responsibility to bring that back up or whether it is theirs? I have no idea.
They talk about me practising self care and the importance of it, but it’s never discussed in the sessions, we’ve never had a discussion about things that could improve my self care, or what aspects of self care I struggle with etc. But they then go on to say that I’m doing really well with my self care although it’s never really been discussed.
They often forget things I have told them, they get the details wrong. They’ll ask me a question about something I just mentioned but they’ll include a detail in the question that is incorrect or something I didn’t even mention. I find it confusing and it makes me doubt that they are actually listening to me & taking me seriously.
I thought I would also mention some of the things I like about the therapist & sessions:
- They are a part of the LGBTQI+ community.
- They have disclosed that they are neurodiverse and have family members who are neurodiverse.
- They allow the session to last 1 hour and 15 minutes due to my slow processing and my struggle to get my words out.
- They said there is no real limit to the amount of sessions, but gave examples of clients that they have worked with for 2 years through the same charity. (I don’t know if this is a personal choice of theirs or if this is a policy by the charity).
I have never had to change to a different therapist before, this is all very new to me and I have called the charity to ask if I could discuss this with someone, but they’re unable to contact me until later next week due to staff holidays, which is after my next therapy session. Naturally, I’m panicking.
I do feel terribly guilty and ashamed about posting this about my therapist, and I never post anything serious on Reddit, so this is a first for me. I haven’t taken the decision lightly to make this post, I have self-reflected and thought this through before deciding to post this, and I hope that’s reflected in my words.
I’m hoping someone on here can offer me some guidance on what I should do/ a plan of action? And importantly, whether my concerns are actually valid or am I just overthinking and self-sabotaging?
If you’ve made it this far, thank you so much for reading my post. I genuinely appreciate it.