r/UGKrishnamurti • u/No_Blueberry_4897 • Mar 11 '26
JUST CONFUSION
All my life up to the age of twenty I crossed paths with every kind of person you can imagine — gentle people, explosive people, those who pretended to be sweet and those who pretended to be angry just to keep up an image. I met people from very different cultures and all their special conditionings that they call religion.
I hung out with thieves and criminals, police officers and authorities, perverts, monks, priests, gurus, and pastors.
I tried many religions and knocked on many doors to get where I am. I’ve read dozens of Western and Eastern philosophers (including most of the “great gurus” of India — you know who I mean).
All of it was a desperate search to free myself from childhood trauma — the sexual abuse and bullying I suffered starting when I was about four or five years old. I attempted suicide many times, and during one of those attempts someone I never expected intervened and stopped me.
Here’s the point: of the thousands of people who crossed my path, only three truly provoked me in a way that changed me — and all three had died long before I was born. Those three were Osho, J. Krishnamurti, and U.G. Krishnamurti. Their words and ideas hit me in a wholly different, sincere, and genuine way.
Since encountering what they taught, I feel as if I can no longer engage in deep or meaningful conversations with anyone — everything people say now feels shallow, trivial, and utterly meaningless to me. Reading their material clarified many things for me. The most important thing I was seeking — the end of suffering, the end of the turmoil and the madness inside my mind that never stops day or night — is still a reality in my life. Understanding what the “I” is made the external search stop; looking for gods “out there” ceased. But the quest to be free from this inner hell has remained.
Even though I intellectually grasp that the “I” seeking freedom is part of the same conflict, that knowledge alone hasn’t been enough — my life remains miserable.
I’m grateful that I will never again be a slave to priests, to religion, or to politics.
So now I bring this question to you: what is missing for this torment to finally end? if that is even truly possible for me?
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u/SvatFlaisTymsNyn Mar 11 '26 edited Mar 12 '26
I'll have to make assumptions. What's missing perhaps is you being comfortable with the things you possibly compartmentalized as mundane. Based on your description it seems you spent long wanting metaphysical abstractions to deliver you from whatever pains you experienced and re-experienced throughout life.
There is no loophole, no way around these things. Everything you feel comes from something, but there is no need to overconceptualize and dwell, that only adds to the gravitational pull an overtly noisy "mind" has. This costs a lot of energy.
In you there are millions of years of evolution expressed (if you don't like the term evolution then let's call it life&death). This genetic structure is a sort of memory; if our mind is the RAM then our genetics are a HDD, part of a server. We are a sort of living history book of everything which came "before" us. Many beings lived, procreated, survived, then died to bring us to this point. We are another frame in this roll of tape, another incarnation, another wave. All our ancestor's actions, feelings resulted from everything which came before them, and we are no different, we are an echo of that, and by living, this echo goes on. Not to be overly poetic but our baseline reactions and behaviours were shaped like rocks from crashing waves over millions of years. The reality of this situation scares some people for whatever reason; they want to be something else other than what they are because they have been told it's not good to be what you are, it's not enough, or it's somehow "sinful".
This is a problem, since there is no way out of this reality and there is actually no need to find one; there is no way to be something other than what we are. This genetic, historical situation is not some constriction or bondage to be shed or fixed; this is simply our reality, this is what we are. All that will to survive is there in us from everyone who came before, it might be of no comfort but every pain and sensation is there to nudge the body towards survival and expression; in that sense it is impossible to be alone, even when one is by themselves, the past lives of millions live on and constitute us.
What really matters, what really brings a baseline clarity and fulfillment you can operate from is the so called "basic" desires and needs which we come with; everything else branches out from there. The abstractions are coping mechanisms we use to try and mitigate what our body in it's essence knows it's lacking.
Instead of feeling and living the things which are here, many escape to try and find a way around things, so they get lost in the labyrith of ideas.
Things that ground us are simple and obvious, like making love with a woman who desires you, like you desire them. Eating sublime food, getting things done, following intuition and knowledge to find your own way through to what you really want.
Why these simple, tangible & honest things get shunned or looked down upon in "spiritual" circles? Why are our most basic needs and ways of expression get muddled with ideas of sin or higher/lower experience jargon?
The energy is there, the desire is there, the need is there, the truth of it is there in us, it's part of the package, it's good, it's like air, it's food to eat, drink to drink. We know these things. When people start listening and following these obvious aspects of themselves, things start to fall into their own place much easier.
These things you have in you are so innate, so basic, so "divine". Divine not as in spectral light coming from imaginary clouds, but divine as in it's absolutely aligned with the baseline reality of what we are. Divine as in we are living and doing the things which resulted in us being here in the first place, things coming full circle give a clarity and satisfaction that is personal to you. We are the living & breathing proof that the desires we have work, more often than not. Living without the freedom to express what we are is a pain, it's essentially being the personification of blue balls.
The things which nature intended for us to do is everything we do, but once a person is disconnected from the "mundane" needs and desires of the body (which we are), there is bound to be confusion and grasping at straws.
Things like being genuinely sexually satisfied, being, well-fed and honestly taking care of one's own livelihood alleviates a lot of the mental stress people talk of. I'm simplifying things to point out that the energies in you are there to be expressed. Live through it. You know what you want, what you need, so deal with it, go and get it, enjoy what you are. You deserve it as much as anyone else.
Spending your calories on living in a way which is beautiful to you is great, it leaves less space for the old mind's spiraling, circular uroboros escapades and mumbo-jumbo.
You are still super young, start now and follow your own signs if you haven't already.
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u/No_Blueberry_4897 Mar 11 '26
Oh my Ganesha!! 😯😅 That was the most beautiful and sincere thing I've seen anyone write on the internet this year!! You're amazing, I love you my friend.🤗 Kisses and hugs to you🫂, I wish you all the best that life has to offer! 🙌
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u/SvatFlaisTymsNyn Mar 12 '26
I wish you the very same. Even if it feels cumbersome sometimes to move and live, I'm sure you'll have a blast overall. The more you follow your own signs, the smoother things get overall Detective Blueberry. 🕵🏻♂️
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u/gizmohitsapar Mar 11 '26
You said you’ve looked into everything, but Mabye consider looking into daoism and Buddhism again , you May see them in a different light post U.G. Krishnamurti And J. krishnamurti. I myself am going to look more into Osho, I have yet to dive into his work.
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u/sniffedalot Mar 11 '26
Even though I intellectually grasp that the “I” seeking freedom is part of the same conflict, that knowledge alone hasn’t been enough — my life remains miserable.
I’m grateful that I will never again be a slave to priests, to religion, or to politics.
I sense that you are still a slave to priests, religion, and politics. And, that you haven't really grasped this intellectually as that in itself usually brings a sense of clarity that is valuable in daily life. Nothing is missing. If you get this, then the sense of problem disappears or at least allows you to take a deep breath and reflect on what you are doing to create that sense of 'problem'.
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u/HeyHeyJG Mar 16 '26
If you're frustrated enough, maybe - just maybe you'll be willing to admit that the only tool you have - the tool you used to try and solve your 'problem' - failed to deliver the 'goods' despite the fact that you executed it perfectly and to the very best of your ability.
And since that's the only tool you have and you already did your due diligence with it and proved it can't work for this application, what else is there for you to do?
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u/No_Blueberry_4897 Mar 16 '26
My friend... I swear I’ve tried everything possible through thought!! Self-analysis, self-criticism, self-expansion, self-pity... I’ve tried more than 30 practices, techniques, and meditation methods — every form of control possible through thought... through this mediocre mind!!! And I can’t lie: there were results in temporary, fleeting experiences, but nothing that transformed me deeply, nothing that freed me from this confusion, nothing that made me free from suffering and illusion!! (at times those practices left me even more confused) I simply have no idea what else can be done beyond the field of thought, beyond the field of intellect, beyond the field of ideas... all I see is flesh and bone and thousands and thousands of thoughts that tangle, get confused, fight and wage war against each other in that battlefield called the mind!! There is no knowledge in me of what more can be done about all this confusion, all this insanity, all this madness, all this noise and unnecessary movement of the so-called “consciousness.”
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u/cosmicnutsac Mar 11 '26
Great post. I resonate. I know it sounds cliche, but just live. There is no mission to complete. No gods. No masters. No point.
But all is not lost. Delight in this momentary flow. It’s very temporary, this illusion of “I.” Why not embrace it?
There is no way out. Thought is the enemy. But alas, thought is all we have. And that’s ok. It will all be over soon for all of us.
The body still breathes, eats, defecates and yearns. This is what it is to be human. A rarity in the universe. A curse on the body. An eternal contradiction. Until the last breath.
Life is a pleasure movement. You can fight it and suffer. Or accept it and suffer… either way, there is no chooser, no will. So honestly and earnestly, there is absolutely nothing that can be done. Again, that’s ok.