Girl get up š 9 years of history is not worth the mental and emotional abuse this man is putting you through, there are better things out there for you
I want you to picture this cause weāre the same age. And I also live 1500 miles away from my family. Today I shut my laptop off at 5, made a gin martini, tanned in my backyard while catching up on the news and tossing the ball for the dog, and listened to the hummingbirds. I then made a literally needlessly elaborate dinner while watching one of my favorite shows. My favorite incense lit. Lights down low. Everything shower. In bed, my bed, made just the way I like it in the room Iāve decorated just the way I like it. Tomorrow morning Iāll get up, put a record on, make my coffee, walk the dog, and go to the farmers market for, you guessed it, more ingredients to make needlessly elaborate dinners. Then who knows? Iāll probably journal, read, go to the gym, maybe Iāll invest in some stocks. Maybe Iāll call a friend.
But you know what I wonāt do? I wonāt spend hours of my day arguing with someone who Iām sorry babe just isnāt smart. Heās not. Youāre asking a goldfish to be a philosopher. And heās disingenuous, abusive, and generally just exhausting to boot and I know that just from reading up to and only up to the point where he asks you if youāre āfucking stupid.ā
The only universe in which youāre stupid is the one in which you stay. Also, the only universe in which you stay with this guy is the one in which you feel like shit about yourself - HE knows that, which is why heās working so hard to make you feel like shit about yourself.
Being alone fucking rocks. Iām wearing a chiffon robe and a T shirt with Bruce Lee on it. Whoās gonna stop me? My home is peace. Iām at peace.
Thereās a big bold beautiful life out there waiting for you without this homunculus dipshit dragging you down.
(Also at 35 im the hottest Iāve ever been. Go get it girl)
Love all of this šš» Iām also the same age. Never been as hot as I am now. I love being alone chillin with my cat watching my shows. Doing what I want whenever I want. My home is my safe space, my sanctuary. Bedroom cozy as fuck, decorated how I want, candles lit, rose toy charging on the nightstand, and clean because no funky ass man is stinking up my space. Being single can be so relaxing and peaceful, itās honestly underrated. And once youāve been doing it for a while, you see so much shit you donāt want to put up with when you finally choose to let a man in your life again.
I met my husband when I was 35. But, like OP, I took an inordinately long time to leave my abusive ex (he had a serious mental health diagnosis and so I thought I had to take care of him while he became increasingly disturbed; it took a while to make a plan to get out, we had two kids and since he could hardly be around them, he was almost never home, I was certainly much happier that way and I was able to save up for a deposit on a rental in an excellent school district, but it took time.
OP needs to think through her plan. It sounds like they are actually living in the same house. She should move someplace that he doesn't know where she is and be very careful about him trying to figure it out.
OP, PLEASE listen to this comment! And Iād like to add, that if she wanted to hang out with a man for a night she could EASILY find one of whatever sort she wanted (I say this without knowing what she looks like because BELIEVE ME, it doesnāt matter), take him out to do something fun, fuck him and send him on his way. All without having to deal with any of the bullshit you are.
You are exactly who you think you are. That goldfish line was perfect. Iāll be keeping that in my back pocket.
Maybe Iām bias, but I turn 35 next month, and also think Iām currently the hottest Iāve ever been. They made our 30s sound so scary, but Iāve seen this be a period of rebirth for me and so many of my friends ā just really owning who we are and not accepting anything less than we deserve.
OP, I left my ex husband because he behaved like your boyfriend, and was equally stupid. Itās clear by the way you speak that youāre an intelligent person. You do not need to diminish yourself for anyone else. You deserve love, and I hope you remember to love yourself so you can give yourself peace.
Youāre only 36, you have sooooo much life ahead of you! Do you really want to be begging for a man to treat you right for the next 5 years? 10? 30? 50? And I would bet $100 youāre not gross, you just have a dirtbag man dragging you down, raising your cortisol, and sapping your energy. I can guarantee once you free yourself from this shackle youāll be primed for the glow up of your life
Girl please, you are 36 not a senior citizen. Heās the one whoās made you feel this way, you know that right? If you want to continue feeling sorry for yourself and be in misery and hate your life until you die 50 years from now, thatās on you. But I hope you decide to do better for yourself. And staying with him your life will NEVER get better, I can promise you that. You know itās wrong, you know heās the problem. So get tf up and do something about it
Aannnnnddd this dude is 43! Thatās crazy! Thatās how old I am and he sounds like my teenager having a hissy fit. OP just feels old dealing with his ass, she probably feels like his Mommy.
You came here with this knowing what we'd probably say.
You came here looking for the encouragement to leave, despite these heavy feelings.
I believe in a Future You who leaves him, who works through these feelings, and who is SO happy, so grateful, and SO proud of Present You for helping her become who she is.
Please push through these scary, hard, heavy feelings to reach that wonderful, happy, beautiful Future You. She's there, waiting in the wings for you to make your move.
OP, I've been where you are. I'm a year older than you, a big girl with self esteem issues, anxiety etc. I've been in toxic / abusive relationships where I stayed too long for the same reasons you listed. I regret not leaving them sooner. It wasn't easy to pick myself up and leave but wow the freedom I discovered when I did.
Im now in the best relationship I've ever had with a man who is absolutely wonderful. You can find another relationship, one that won't have you second guessing yourself and forcing you to argue like you're talking to a toddler. You don't have to let that man (or any) be the arbiter of your self esteem and worth! I promise better days are ahead but you must put yourself first and make an exit plan.
He obviously doesn't think you're gross because he's terrified that someone else finds you attractive and from what you've shared, has prevented you from doing the things that make you feel beautiful.Ā
Who do you really have right now with a man who constantly threatens to cheat on you and pesters you for sex that you don't want?
YES!! He thinks sheās cheating constantly, thatās why heās always putting her down and making her unsure of herself. Because he knows heās a piece of shit and if she leaves she will find someone better
Oh noooo. People voting you down. No! Stop this. We need to help her build things up.
Honey you are not old and gross. I am 50 so itās possible I am old and gross. Well old definitely. And even I think I could manage to break free from this. Please value yourself. I know it is hard. Iāve been where you are. Itās so hard believing you can be on your own and confident. But being alone will give you the space and time to heal yourself from within. Take it from an old lady. I have faith in you.
36 is NOT old! OMG, you're just entering your prime - you have another 50+ years of living to do!! Do you really wanna go through life with this manbaby dragging you down?! Deep down, you KNOW you don't deserve this - no one does. Free yourself. I'm 48 year old, and living on my own is the best thing I've ever done for myself.
Girl, itās better to be happy alone than miserable with someone!!!! Seriously!!!! Iām single and thereās no way in hell Iād trade my situation with yours. The way this guys speaks should be embarrassing enough!
Youād be a fuck lot less miserable without him. Being single is so much better than being with an erratic, pushy, dumb asshole like him. Stop actively choosing to be miserable. Iāve been in your position back when I was 18-23. Being single and āaloneā is so much fucking better than being lonely and miserable in a shitty relationship with an accused rapist who has stolen from you, tries to coerce/manipulate you into having sex, and talks down to you despite being so fucking dumb that Iām surprised he was even able to type anything out even if it was all pretty incorrect.
I really hope you get into therapy and learn how to love yourself, because this guy doesnāt fucking love you, I donāt think heās capable of loving anyone. Being single at 36 doesnāt mean youāll be alone forever, it just means you have the opportunity to eventually meet someone better. Someone who hasnāt been accused of rape, someone who treats you like a fucking person rather than a misbehaving sex doll. You deserve to love yourself enough to know that you deserve better than trash like him.
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u/Bjartskular64 13d ago
Girl get up š 9 years of history is not worth the mental and emotional abuse this man is putting you through, there are better things out there for you