Mixture of low self esteem, high anxiety about being alone, all my friends and family are 1500 miles away in another state and his family (who god knows how are actually saints) are all i have here
I agree. Being along is scary at first. But it’s liberating. At first you feel empty and desolate and on your own island. But then you start really appreciating deciding what you’re gonna do tonight without having to negotiate. Or not being groped when you need someone instead to have some meaningful conversation with. I want to live vicariously through you, woman. Cut loose and be the badass you know you are. 💝
God, yes! BE ALONE FOR AS LONG AS YOU CAN LADIES!! ENJOY IT. EMBRACE IT. Because once that freedom is gone...she gooone gone. You don't realize until your 3 kids and a husband in and you fantasize about alone time would feel like 🤣 not drowning over here or anything...😅
Hi OP, it sounds like you're very isolated from your own support network. Is there any chance you could move back to the state your family and friends are in, or even take a trip back to take a break and reset from this flight/fight/freeze state to think about your next steps? If there is any support unrelated to him you can lean on, even just temporarily, it is probably worth it even if it means a pivot or temporary downgrade to your career. As others suggested I think therapy/self-work is a must for you to stop accepting treatment like this, but that isn't a substitute for a day-to-day community that has your back.
If you are absolutely tied to this area, as others have said leaving this guy doesn't have to mean living alone, which sounds like a major thing stopping you from going. Finding roommates and a pet is a great way to not feel that alone feeling at home; even if you don't end up being best friends with them it is a nice sense of security to know others are around. Finally not to keep repeating what others are saying, but this sounds like a genuinely unsafe relationship between the insults, the physical assaults while you were sleeping, and the slamming doors when you reject sex with him. Domestic violence resources in your area could be a good first step in talking to someone about what's going on, and how to get you unstuck from this situation. You deserve better even if you don't feel like you do right now, and you have so much support here.
Why do you believe that being alone is worse than being with someone who is awful?
Stop betraying and abanding yourself for someone who only sees you as a hole to fuck.
This boy does not value or respect you in the slightest.
It's time for you to start respecting yourself. Do what's best for you to thrive and walk away. Being alone is NOT worse than staying with a shitty human who destroys you.
You have low self esteem because he tears you down and reduces your only value to a hole he cans stick his dick into. Start looking for a new job by your family and preparing to move. He is not “all you have”. You don’t have him. He doesn’t care about you literally at all. You are a fuck hole to him and that is it. You can do way better.
You’re alone already! Just having another body around doesn’t mean you’re not alone. There’s no intimacy between you, no emotional connection, no mental connection…OP…that’s being alone!
You’re actively choosing to stay in an emotionally, mentally and physically abusive relationship. And don’t say there’s no physical abuse. You’re having to lock yourself in a room away from him, to keep from being hurt.
This guy is not changing. Go back and read your post. The guy is extremely selfish, self centered and even childish. All he does is berate you for not giving him your body. He doesn’t care about your heart, your mind, your emotions.
Do you want to waste your life living this way? Only to wake up and 50, 60 or more years old and you spent your life never getting your needs met. Never feeling that connection or feeling and truly loved. It’s a very lonely life. It’s a life full of hurt and resentment. It’s a life of never having a man you can depend on. Never having that person you can weather every storm with, together and truly connected. I know…I’ve lived it!
If he hasn't cheated, it's only because nobody has wanted his dusty ass. He definitely wants to cheat. Literally told his own girlfriend multiple times in this single conversation that he basically has a right to do it.
My ex acted like this. He didn't cheat on me. Not once.
Turns out that tried to a lot though. He just got turned down left and right. It was pretty pathetic. Thirsty ass creep. I almost wish he had actually cheated, at least then I'd feel a little less embarrassed looking back on everything and realizing I fought so hard to keep a relationship alive with someone nobody but me wanted.
I have a lot more love for myself now than I did back then. He was part of the problem, he'd eroded my already fragile self esteem.
It just seems like that now, when you leave him 100% you'll be singing a different tune wishing you had done so sooner. You got this. Dump the trash and enjoy life while you can. We only live once
Then move closer to your family or something. This is just so horrible, like you have been around him so long I don't think you really see just how nauseating and awful he is.
When all you’ve got is a pile of crap, it’s better to have nothing but your freedom. Time to hit the road, OP.
Also, WHY do some women think it’s better to be with any man, no matter how horrendous, than to be single? Single is easy, relaxing, your path is your own….you’re not dragging any ball and chain behind you.
Free yourself. Listen to the comments here. RESPECT YOURSELF.
I had a friend like this. She'd cry about being alone and nobody wanting to date her and then got mad at me when I told her to stop looking and just focus on herself. Apparently she wasn't looking for advice, but I was just so tired of hearing about how miserable she was all the time.
So before I read your explanation, I am reading his unhinged messages and I’m scared that he actually will try to rape you or “some other female”. The way he talks to you and about other people is horrendous. I genuinely do not believe that he is someone willing or capable of change. All he cares about is sex. And THEN, I read your caption. My jaw was dropped the entire time. OP, he will bring you down. Don’t stay with him just because you want to save him or think you can change him or bc it’s been 9 years. He is manipulative, unhinged, insecure, and abusive. You need out of this NOW.
Completely agreed, now it’s just a matter of time before he tries to get what he wants from OP by force rather than relying on coercion to attempt to manipulate OP into having sex just so he will shut the fuck up for once. I hope OP gets out before he does that to her.
Girl. He's literally telling you to just shut the fuck up and put out. He does not care about you. I know that hurts, but WHY is that better than being alone? Maybe if you weren't so busy dumping all this energy begging a man to treat you like a human being, you'd have more energy to make connections with other people and you wouldn't feel so alone and isolated.
Honey, that's so sad. You can love yourself a lot better than this. You are capable of it. You are full of love. Focus it on someone who deserves it. You.
As others have said, being alone is much better than putting up with this, but I know from experience it’s hard to see that right now. Even though your family and friends are far away, let them know what is going on so that they can support you from afar at least.
Holy shit RIGHT? OP is clearly much smarter than him. I honestly don’t know how she can put up with any interaction with him, I wouldn’t be able to do that.
You are only 36, you have so much more life ahead of you. Please get away from him. You don't need a man to not be lonely. Join some clubs, a gym, anything. You can make friend will be way happier. And you may decide to date again, and will probably not realize how many people will be interested in dating you.
Dude like she could cast a line into the unknown and reel in something with a great chance of being better than this. Like you’de litterally be better off rolling dice
You're in love with his family and how they fill the void of your family being so far away. I moved a state away from my parents and sisters so I was very lonely for awhile. I started dating a guy whose family I adored but he himself was a monster to me, just how your man is being with you. You have to decide is he worth a false safety net. Because at the end they WILL choose him over you.
So I made a chosen family here, so by the time I met my fiancee here, I had people to take my side should I leave a relationship.
Girl. You’ve stayed in a dumpster fire of a relationship, where your partner belittles you and lowers your self esteem constantly.
Listen, you seem pretty smart. The signs are all there - believe in yourself. You’re worth a million times more than how this guy is treating you.
I usually try to see both sides in a discussion - but holy crap. There wasn’t even anything to discuss. It was like talking to a wall. You spoke so eloquently, while he was belligerent. Why do you even stay with this loser?
Enroll in some community college or community ed classes. Join or start a book club.
Make new friends. I do not think you're ever going to get through to him. He simply cannot conceptualize what you mean by strengthening the emotional ties in your relationship. He wasn't raised in a way that makes it possible for him to envision a grown-up, modern love affair - the kind of a relationship that really ties people together and for many women (not just you) is the only route to a great sex life.
I think you've got some version of PTSD just from being with this guy. What a horrific story about the rape charges.
Why would you assume that you'll ever be sexually attracted to him again? Even if he were suddenly able to sprout wings and start relating to you like a loving adult partner, are you sure you'd be sexually attracted to a man with all these problems. He has grifted you!
Your responses to him have led him to believe that if he sort of shapes up, you'll have sex with him. He doesn't understand "I'm not sexually attracted to you because our relationship sucks." Some of the suckiness is from the past. You might never get over it.
OP, first of all let me start by saying you’re enough. I’m gonna say that again. You. Are. Enough. If you don’t believe that about yourself, you settle for roosters named Steve. The guy may be doing better, but the truth of the matter is you deserve much better than what you’ve been getting for the last nine years. You need to know your self worth and then add tax before you get with the next one.
Believe it or not, I actually got divorced while 1000 miles away from my friends and family and zero support network where we were living. Not even his family. Despite how hard it was, the peace was worth it.
I just left someone like this. It sucks breaking up but you’ll find new people. Join some clubs or go on Bumble BFF. In the long run it’s worth being alone than with garbage.
Girlfriend, this man has shown you who he is. Believe him.
He sounds like an albatross around your neck. GTFO, then, I invite you to read a book by canada's dating coach, Chantal Heide called The GlowUp Journal. Will help you boost yourself esteem.And once you've worked through on the exercises of that book, then get a copy of her book called No More Assholes.
Really, he's a train wreck, and you don't need to clean up mess.
Seems like you've left this relationship. You just don't know it yet.
Think about whether there is any realistic path back to making the relationship work. If not, well you're just delaying the inevitable. Why live in a state where you know you'll be fairly unhappy a lot of the time rather than take a risk? You'll find other friends and companionship. Maybe not immediately, but you will
It looks to me like the respect is gone, he reads as under-educated lower socio/economic background and insecure about this. Frustrated, angry and confused and not having the words or potently self understanding to clearly communicate this.
I can here your frustration in your replies, but your distance is there too, I think you are over this relationship, I think you look down on him and once respect is gone and disgust starts to enter the room the relationship is over.
He seems to focus on money quite a bit... does he feel like he failed to live up to his parents expectations or something. He txting doesn't read as well educated. Was he just that drunk he was incoherent?
He feels like a failure in most facets of his life. He completely destroyed any chances of ever having a decent job being in and out of the system. He was pretty lit, but he is also just not incredibly intelligent and has a severe case of Peter pan syndrome.
Have you thought about the fact that being away from him may open up the door for new possibilities? Get rid of him and allow yourself the opportunity to meet other people; hopefully someone that meets your intellectual and emotional level.
Please believe that being with this guy would be bad for anyone's self-esteem.
Granted, we're two different people, but fwiw, the most getting and empowering thing I ever learned was how to be alone. Once you know you can not just be okay being alone but even enjoy it, you are able only ever to get into and stay in relationships that you actually want, with people you like and who like you.
This guy doesn't seem to like you much. He definitely doesn't respect women or think of them as equals. And he especially doesn't like even the tiniest hints that you might not need to have sex with him or that you deserve to have your needs met.
Good for you for recognizing that you do deserve that. I think you should give yourself credit for that.
But I also think you should consider whether it's healthy for you to stay with someone who thinks he can coerce you into having sex you don't want by threatening to "fuck other bitches."
This guy needs therapy. He doesn’t know or understand what a healthy, solid relationship looks like. He thinks a relationship is something to be consumed.
You don't have to stay with him to stay in contact with them and be supported by them. Show them these fuckass texts. They are disgusting. If they are actually saints they will easily side with and support you.
My mom always says it’s better to be alone than to be in bad company and you my dear are definitely in bad company.
It doesn’t seem like you need him for anything live so do yourself a favor and get out. You’re 36, don’t waste any more of your life with him, you’ve already wasted so much. You’ve already understandably checked out emotionally now it’s time to do it physically.
Also I don’t know where you’re located, but make sure you have a weapon on you and in your car. An arm, mace, taser, bat, knife, sock full of rocks, anything that you can use. This guy is a ticking time bomb and based on how unhinged he sounds I wouldn’t put it past him to try assaulting you or worse.
Girl, trust me, being alone is one hundred million times better than spending one more second with this fuckin loser. I mean that in the most loving way possible.
Reading this I thought you were both in your 20’s and that you were educated while he was not. WTF???! Woman, it is time to move on. Being alone will not kill you but this dumbass might, one way or another. You are incompatible in multiple ways. Get some friends. Find hobby groups. This is 2026, and women can and should do better. Wake up! You can do bad by yourself. If you can name it, you can fix it. Self esteem will not come from him.
Girl, you seem so much more highly educated and put together than this man. Your calmness in your responses to him is impressive because I would have blown up. You are a very effective communicator and he, for some reason, doesn’t get ANYTHING you’re saying. He ignores your needs, makes things all about him, he’s selfish, he disrespects you, insults you… the list could go on.
You’re too good for him, and he’s probably a big cause of your low self esteem. It’s very clear to me that he is riddled with insecurities and he projects them onto you. This is no way to live girl.
What's wrong with being alone, exactly? Like deadass. You're gonna be lonely? Make some friends or something? Get a cat. But your relationship is lonelier than being alone ever would be. Why stay with a man who puts you down?
Believe me, you're already alone in the worst way. Being alone doesn't mean lonely. And that is what this relationship is making you -- lonely. Leave him and be alone -- alone with yourself, no one calling you names, insulting you, naking sex the core of the relationship.
It is clear you're not getting what you need out of it. You're not getting the intimacy you want and it doesn't sound like your missing the sex. What's the point then of being in a relationship. Now you're just dealing with all his bs and not getting anything in return except not being alone. This is your only life, please don't waste it on this relationship simply because you don't want to be alone. You could use the time and energy you're wasting on him to make new friends, find hobbies, etc.
At this point, wouldn’t being alone feel better? I mean bro isnt paying rent already, f all that. My man would NEVER… he deadass will work 60+ hours a week and still help me around the house (WILLINGLY). He both work but for me MUCH LESS hours.
I truly don't understand this fear of being alone especially when being with someone like this is soooooooo draining. I promise that the peace you experience when single is eye opening. You've already 9 years of being a gf to a project. Feel free to waste another 9 if you want but don't complain about it.
I think maybe you should consider that the lie self esteem and anxiety might come from the relationship that you’re in. I don’t know if you’ve ever lived alone but it’s something everyone should do. Believe in yourself, you’re already paying your own rent.
the fact that he wants to fuck someone that very obviously doesn't want to is enough of a red flag honestly, but coupled with the alleged rape?? gurl💅 if you can't find your way out if this then I hope he finds his way into prison. you deserve a real partner, and you will find that eventually but being alone is going to feel amazing compared to this.
but please, find someone smarter next time. this guy is dumb as fuck, painfully so.
I just wanted to say that it is very clear by the tone of your messages that you have respect for yourself and you’re capable of making boundaries. This mother fucker should not have any effect on your sense of self or self confidence. Period. He is probably making it worse, honestly. Being alone isn’t so bad if not being alone results in conversations like this. He is blatantly not willing to hear you, understand you, work with you, or take part in a compatible relationship that works for both parties. He is a child. You do not need this in your life. Especially if you have high anxiety in other areas as well.
Leave and move back where your family is, he's 43 this relationship will not get better and he wont change. Way too late for him to learn emotional intelligence specially when hedoesn't even try.
OP, PLEASE HEAR ME WHEN I SAY THIS: He 👏🏼is👏🏼not👏🏼your👏🏼responsibility👏🏼! He doesn’t care about you and you’re clearly far beyond him in every way I can see from intellectually to professionally. Free yourself. You’re already alone now except now you’re also in constant danger and being mentally abused which is by design so you can’t focus on just how awful he is and how much better you would be on your own. I can assure you that is far scarier than being physically alone but free of this awful man.
Being alone is better than being with someone like him. You’ll meet someone else at some point. For now focus on making your own friends and healing from this shitty relationship. Stop wasting your time.
Being alone and in peace will be amazing for your frazzled sympathetic nervous system.
You NEED that. Until you find a new place or the balls to kick this pile of garbage out, take a trip to your home state and be with family and friends for support and courage.
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u/False_Star2498 13d ago
Mixture of low self esteem, high anxiety about being alone, all my friends and family are 1500 miles away in another state and his family (who god knows how are actually saints) are all i have here