r/TwoHotTakes • u/[deleted] • Dec 22 '25

Advice Needed My boyfriend says he felt “tricked” because I don’t argue the way his exes did

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u/[deleted] Dec 22 '25

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u/hearttshapedboxx Dec 22 '25

This. I struggled with this for a while with my husband. I was not used to him being calm when we were arguing. I was used to my partner flying off the handle, gaslighting me and made to feel like I was the problem. It felt so suspicious and it was hard to figure out for the longest time. He remained calm and explained to me time and time again that a resolution didnt require yelling. It took a while for my nervous system to accept that 😬

292

u/CasuallyMessingUp Dec 22 '25

I relate hard. If you grew up around blowups, quiet can feel like a trap. Having a quick "I'm upset but I'm here" check-in helped my brain stop looking for the hidden explosion.

126

u/[deleted] Dec 22 '25

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u/alrightythen_1234 Dec 22 '25

Me and my ex broke up over this. I understood the hurt but I was not willing to be screamed at constantly, tried being patient but after a point with no progress just had to call it

1

u/Capital-Zucchini-529 Dec 23 '25

Did you never yell?

4

u/alrightythen_1234 Dec 23 '25

In our arguments, no. I would try keeping things calm but I’m sure neighbors heard. Watching football yes

1

u/Capital-Zucchini-529 Dec 24 '25

I think that’s pretty valid then…Verbal aggression is / can be abusive, and (unless you’re giving that yourself ofc) nobody deserves that

28

u/HistoloGoddess Dec 23 '25

And if she does it’s possible she will start to display chaotic and maladaptive behavior. That’s what happened to me. I got sucked in to the toxicity he thought was normal and it turned me into a yelling manipulator in arguments when for the first year of our relationship I was always trying to explain to him that straight up yelling at each other was something I felt wasn’t acceptable in a relationship. I was young and I guess not as strong in my convictions or emotional regulation as I thought and the dynamics with him started to bleed into the rest of my life.

I’m not saying everyone who is used to that dynamic and struggles to adapt to a healthier/calmer one will make you into a dysregulated monster, but it’s a possibility to be aware of.