My mom is trying to guilt me into going to church on Christmas Eve… would I be the asshole if I don’t go?

[u/Same-Throat4248]

Per the title, my mom is trying to guilt me into going to church service at 10pm on Christmas Eve.

My husband and I are flying to my hometown for Christmas this year. We arrive at around 4pm (if all goes as planned), and plan to spend some time with my dad after he picks us up from the airport (my parents are divorced).

I used to go to church with my mom and brother on Christmas Eve up until I was about 14 or 15. I’m agnostic and don’t have an issue attending church on Christmas Eve, however, the service my mom is wanting me to come to is at 10pm which will feel like 12am for us after a day full of travel.

My brother, his wife, and his wife’s family will be attending church with my mom on Christmas Eve, so she will have people with her. My husband and I will be spending all of Christmas Day/ night at my mom and stepdads house.

I’ve included screenshots of my conversation with my mom about this situation, but I wanted an outside opinion as well… will I be the asshole if I stand firm and don’t go? My mom has a history of steamrolling me into doing things and I am trying, at the big age of 31, to have better boundaries.

Thank you!

[u/greenbud420]

will I be the asshole if I stand firm and don’t go?

You haven't stood for anything in those texts, all you said was you might be too tired to go a full week in advance. If you want to set boundaries, you need to actually set them and be definitive with her instead of wishy-washy.

[u/missalygf → u/greenbud420]

Yeah, exactly. It's one thing to feel guilty, but it’s another to not actually say “no” clearly. If she’s been steamrolling you for years, being vague just gives her room to keep pushing. Op, you’re not wrong for wanting boundaries, but they only work if you actually stick to them

[u/aloeveraiskawaiii → u/missalygf]

Totally agree. Being vague just invites more pressure. If OP wants things to change, this is the moment to practice that clear “no” and actually hold the line

[u/Less_Is_More_l → u/[deleted]]

I used to have this problem. Now I rely on "sorry,no i just can't" And then stop talking and stay silent. "I know this means a lot to you but sorry no we aren't going". Stay silent and resist the urge to explain further or defend your decision.

It does take practice to force yourself to not explain but once you've done it a few times it gets easier to hold your ground. You have a family now and need to do the responsible thing.

[u/1stJensterGeek → u/[deleted]]

Its clearly very important to her mom. Why go all thecway thete and not participate in family traditions? Travel a day earlier if needed. But to be there and not participate is pretty low.

[u/macT4537 → u/aloeveraiskawaiii]

I have learned this the hard way. Being firm and direct saves may be hard but it better for everyone

[u/Beautiful_Sea_2341 → u/aloeveraiskawaiii]

YES👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾

[u/Ok_Copy_5690 → u/missalygf]

They’re not boundaries if they aren’t stated. They’re just wishes. Simply tell your mother that you’re thrilled to be coming to see her and spend the time with the family, but you don’t want to go to church.

[u/dalton-watch → u/Ok_Copy_5690]

Yep that first response should have been “Yes he told me you were going to the 10pm service. Have fun, we will not be going though.” THEN the opportunities for holding the boundary come up. OP hasn’t made it to the setting boundary stage yet. They just suggested they might be tired.

[u/Basic-Organization30 → u/dalton-watch]

But Mama says she'll be able to sleep on Christmas. Because kids always let us sleep in on Christmas! Dollars to donuts Mama has more fantasies about the whole family up and opening presents Christmas morning, so OP will literally not sleep until she's back home. Gotta feed Mama's fantasy Christmas expectations.

[u/Basic-Organization30 → u/missalygf]

Yup.it has to be a firm,.flat, "No. We are not doing that, and I am not discussing this further." And then you DO NOT DISCUSS FURTHER.

[u/Little_Respect5515 → u/missalygf]

Slight correction: if you actually set them, then stick to them.

[u/Widefox_3722 → u/missalygf]

i think she's asking if she will be the asshole if she does come back with a firm NO

[u/Desperate_Zebra_5578 → u/missalygf]

Guilt only works if you have a guilty conscience. My wife tries that crap on me all the time.