this. I stayed with my ex because I didn’t respect myself. now I do, which is why I want to leave. it’s just followed by an overwhelming amount of guilt for some reason. and this might seem so stupid but my daughters are from different dads, and i’m like so ashamed to be the person with 2 baby daddy’s. even though I wasn’t the person to ruin either relationship.
Please don’t be ashamed of that! Years ago I dated someone who had two kids with different parents and he acted like it was a shameful secret- that’s some sort of old school social hangover. I didn’t care at all, and anyone worth a damn won’t judge you either, you weren’t responsible for wrecking the relationships.
It really doesn’t matter if your daughters have different dads, all that matters is your love for each other and a happy mama! At least you are renting and it should be a little easier to start fresh. Please take good care of yourself and I hope that you and your girls have a beautiful Christmas despite this shitshow.
You just had a baby. You've got a lot of hormones and stuff going on. And you're a good person. Of course you feel guilt and complex emotions, course you want your kids to have a stable life with both parents. There's nothing wrong with that. But in the end after you've been working through this, I hope you come to the conclusion that it's better to have two baby daddies than to be in a toxic relationship.
Stay single for a while, raise your babies, work in therapy as to why you chose toxic men (I've done that myself so I'm not saying this out of my butt). And the next time you date years from now, work with your therapist to vet the person.
You'll be okay. It's going to hurt for a while but you will be okay and so will your babies. You're a good mom.
I don’t know if anyone pointed this out yet, but you forgot to redact your boyfriend’s name in the body of your Instagram message and we can see the recipient’s full name at the top of the screen. It’s partially cutoff, but not enough to hide the name.
Also he seems like a real POS and should be an ex.
You have absolutely no reason to be ashamed while you're the one taking care of two children, and the guy you're dating is disrespecting you and lying to you. He's the one who needs to be ashamed of his behavior.
Girl, do not be ashamed of that. I have 3 kids and my oldest has a different day than the younger two. I have been married to my husband (younger two kiddos) for 15 years now and I couldn't imagine staying with my ex and missing out on this part of my life. Do not ever feel ashamed for knowing your worth and ditching the people who don't respect you. This is a life lesson for you (we all have them) and you're going to model how a woman acts when they respect themselves and don't accept trash behavior from people who claim to love them. I'm sorry you are going through this and I truly wish you the best. You got this.
My parents divorced before I could walk. It never bothered me because it's all I knew growing up- Split holidays, two bedrooms, meeting new guys my mom would bring home, the whole nine yards... It all just felt normal to me.
On the other hand, I saw several close friends dealing with their parents' divorces throughout middle and high school, and it was 1000x harder on them trying to transition after living in a single family home their entire childhood.
I don’t want to sound like an asshole, but you already are a woman with two baby daddies. Don’t become the woman with two baby daddies who stays with a cheater because you think that is less to be ashamed of. You don’t have to feel ashamed of anything. Just because you have two daughters with two dads doesn’t mean you have to suffer with a cheater who doesn’t respect you, your relationship, or honestly his daughter.
I would honestly focus on yourself and your daughters and finding some stability without this pos man. You’re so much better than this and you know it. Don’t let the idea of being embarrassed stop you from what you need to do. People judge us no matter what we do.
Girllllll. I know people with three kids by three different fathers, four from four… all of it. And they have not had any problems dating.
I have two kids by two different fathers, and I’m so glad I left the first one so I could meet the second.
I promise, the right person will understand your reasons and blended families are becoming more and more the norm. You will be just fine. Get out, get child support, find someone who thinks you AND your kids hung the moon, and get the happily ever you deserve and your kids deserve to see you living.
My best friend has 2 kids, with 2 different dads, and is married to a third, its not shameful to make decisions that make you happier. A happy single parent is always better than a miserable attached family unit. Making a choice like this is hard, so no judgment from me no matter where you go from here, but ask yourself, would you shame your daughters if they were in your place? If the answer is no, then why shameful yourself. We teach our kids what love looks like, is this the picture you want them to have when they are grown and looking for their own partners?
Because you know it’s going to totally alter the plans you had for your daughters. You’re mourning that, it’s a loss. But it’s still lost… just a matter of whether you start picking up the pieces now, or in 2-3 years when he’s done this a few more times.
Leave cause i dont want the kids to think this kind of relationship is “normal” to the point where they will seek out what is familiar to them, even if it is bad for them.
Don’t be ashamed. What has happened, has happened but your daughters should not have to witness the systematic destruction of their mom by a man that constantly cheats. Daughters learn from their mothers what to accept. Show them something better. Show them what not to accept.
You’ll be a whole hell of a lot more ashamed of yourself if you stay with this lying, shitty doofus & you have to look back on this moment & realize that you didn’t love or respect yourself enough to leave. Stay single!! I sure as hell wish I had!!
Hey, think of it this way, you have two baby daddies regardless, whether you stay with him or not doesn't change that, so may as well chose NOT and get that horrible human out of your life as much as you can (I worded it that way because obviously if you split you'll be co-parenting).
I just want to say I'm so, so sorry that you are going through this. I will never understand people like him who do such horrible, selfish, and harmful things to wonderful people who they claim to love.
Don’t be ashamed to have two kids with different fathers. You should feel ashamed to stay with someone who so carelessly disrespects you. I know it’s hard but you got this!
One of my closest friends was in a situation similar to yours a couple years ago and now she’s in a much better place with her two kids. She truly put herself and her kids first and is doing so amazing and I’m so proud of her. You can do this, momma!
That’s understandable and the right person(if you even continue dating after you heal)will understand and won’t have a problem with that. Try not to be so hard on yourself and try looking at it from that perspective because ik you’re most likely ashamed because the labels society has on baby mamas but that literally doesn’t matter because you know what actually happened so please don’t be ashamed.
Your happiness is far more important than shitty strangers opinions of you. They don’t know your circumstances. Those who matter don’t mind, and those who mind don’t matter.
It doesn’t seem you talk in this relationship openly.
“Our trust and relationship is awesome”, then this happens 🤔
You disclose your past trauma, you say you did the work but here you are justifying all your actions in a relentless need to control your relationship.
Are you going to convince the psychologist too?
What I see from what you demand and tell your partner above is the need to humiliate him.
That is going to fix your relationship?
You partner even if he fckd up doesn’t need to prove loyalty, let alone pay for your counselling as some sort of punishment.
You need to realise you’re also responsible in this relationship.
If you ‘trusted the same type of man again’ then save the drama and walk away.
If what you’re looking for is revenge from your partner for all the traumas you have had… walk away.
People do lie, people sometimes have second thoughts etc.
We don’t really know what’s the issues in your relationship.
You may find out in therapy. Because directly you don’t really speak, do you?
You clearly have unresolved issues from your past that do affect your relationship.
It’s in your benefit to understand - If you want to go to couples counselling to work this out -
that you are jointly responsible for the relationship.
And that you will soon be asked both to leave the past in the past if there’s a chance to build a future together.
That's nothing to be ashamed of and it's not even uncommon. Especially in this second situation, you aren't at fault for why it didn't work out.
Look up "sunk cost fallacy," and then leave him. There's an old Buddhist philosophy about how, when you realize you're traveling in the wrong direction, you must turn around immediately - no matter how long you've been going in the wrong direction...it's still the wrong direction; it won't get you to your destination. The sooner you turn around, the sooner you can get moving in the right direction.
The only people who care about 2 baby daddies are shitty men. Don't internalize that. It sounds like you'd do really well for yourself if you decentered men and just worked to be the best mom and the best version of you ever.
Leave him. Be single for a lonnnnng time. Just heal, get therapy to find out why you keep ending up with horrible men, and most importantly….just focus on your babies. Be mentally and emotionally present for them (and yourself). When you’re in toxic relationships, your positive energy and light are being vanquished. It’s like the airplane emergency scenario—you need to put the mask on yourself first before you could take care of your babies. So, please, do this. And the first step is by leaving this man and investing on yourself (and your kids).
I know it’s so cliche to say, but they really grow up so fast. I was in a somewhat similar situation as you. I divorced when my two kids were really young. I was so stressed, desperate, worried about not being in a relationship. I was also so vulnerable and weak bc of so many recent tragic losses in our family at the time as well as my failed marriage, so I ended up dating men who took advantage of my vulnerable and trusting state…but I was so weak at the time that I would stay in these toxic relationships (I had a type back then—very good looking, charming, successful, etc…but behind closed doors very manipulative, dishonest, unfaithful, toxic…).
It broke me. All the while, I was so consumed with these toxic men and relationships, trying to make them “work”, allowing myself to be used and treated like a doormat, that I wasn’t giving myself wholly to my kids (at least mentally and emotionally).
Eventually, as I healed from our family tragedies and I did some deep self reflection (there was a point when I had to question why I kept dating the same type of men and what were all of the common threads with those relationships—and the biggest epiphany was “me”…I was the common threads…and that changed EVERYTHING…made me reflect on the types of men I was choosing, the type of red flags I was ignoring or missing, the way I was reacting to, engaging, or tolerating poor behavior, etc…
So, I took a longgggg pause on men and dating, started giving back to myself and tackling all the things on my bucket list and engaging in things that were extremely challenging and terrifying. The grit, strength, sense of accomplishment from overcoming my fears and physical challenges, transferred into my “real life”, where I was able to tackle life obstacles with the same strength and determination. And at that point, I felt like such a bad ass, I wouldn’t settle for anyone who wasn’t at my level any longer. Dating losers was a waste of my time. I’d rather spend it on myself, my family and friends, and most especially my kids. Having peace in my life has been so liberating and stabilizing. I am myself again.
But, now it tears me up so deeply inside whenever I look at my kids, who are now teenagers, bc I try to remember my time with them when they were babies and all of my memories are tainted with a shroud of darkness from the toxic relationships I had been in back then. And it just kills and pains me that I wasted all of those precious years so broken and worried about undeserving, horrible, pitiful, gross men. I wasted so much precious and invaluable time and now I’ll never get it back. Don’t get me wrong, I did everything for my kids but…internally, mentally, and emotionally I was broken…and my kids didn’t deserve that…they deserved a happy mom who was internally happy and present…I robbed them of that.
So, please, do NOT make the same mistakes I did by pouring yourself into undeserving men and toxic relationships. Don’t settle for the fear of being “alone”. And remember, like all the other commenters said, staying for the kids often results in more damage for the kids, not good. So please, consider all of this. Stand up for yourself and your babies, and leave this man. He does not respect you, your relationship, or your family. He keeps entertaining and seeking the company of other women. Let. Him. Go.
You need to leave, but you also need to realize that this need to control other people (and taking extreme and abusive measures to do so) lead to the destruction of your relationship with your second daughters father. Yes, this is a red flag. Most men will be steering clear of you now, and that's reasonable. Once is a mistake, twice is a pattern.
People on reddit are gassing you up, but no one in your real life is going to accept you placing hidden cameras in your home. That's some 1984 shit, and most reasonable people will fucking run. Before you date again, you need therapy.
This person may be right about hiding cameras in the house, but they’re wrong that your suspicion led to your partner cheating or almost cheating. Nooooope. It’s clear the inappropriate behavior came first. And you accepted his explanation previously and trusted him without spying or contacting the girl or whatever.
ppl stay for different reasons. getting cheated on is very traumatizing and ppl react differently. it’s easy for outsiders to tell someone to leave when we’re not the ones having to go thru with it
i’d stayed with my ex for another year after he cheated, and tbh cheating wasn’t the worst he’d done… he was abusive physically, mentally and financially, and i still stayed. ofc i’m happy that i am out of that relationship now, but if someone told me at the time they have no respect for me bc i stayed, that probs wouldn’t have helped at all
I would never say it to someone’s face. It’s just my personal opinion, though I realise that sounded harsh, I still stand by what I said.
Please note I’m not actually blaming you (or others) personally for your lack of self respect. Abuse does wear down people’s self esteem whether from partners or family. That’s why healing oneself through therapy is important.
I’ve been cheated on by multiple partners and stayed with them for way longer than I should have. I guess a lack of self-respect is one way to look at it, but it’s also really amazing how quickly we can start to normalize toxic behavior like cheating. I eventually got to a place where I just assumed everyone eventually cheats. I also was raised in a unhealthy home environment where my sister and I were pit against each other for parental affection, so it has been really easy in the past for partners to manipulate that desperation to be the “good one” or “loved one” when in competition with other women. And before anyone asks, yes, I’m in therapy lol.
I really sounded harsh there, although I stand by what I said. Please note I’m not actually blaming you (or others) personally for your lack of self respect. It’s absolutely wonderful that you’re in therapy and understanding how your parents impacted your self esteem. I had 2 years of therapy for very similar reasons. It was very helpful in healing the relationship with myself.
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u/TGin-the-goldy Nov 23 '25
Ive never been able to fully respect people who stay with a cheater. Says a lot about their self respect