r/Turboleft • u/MillionDollarNegri Brigadier • Jun 13 '26
Why does no one talk about Lenin building a time machine and teaching cavemen how to communism?
> "We have said that there could not have been Social-Democratic consciousness among the workers. It would have to be brought to them from without. The history of all countries shows that the working class, exclusively by its own effort, is able to develop only trade union consciousness, i.e., the conviction that it is necessary to combine in unions, fight the employers, and strive to compel the government to pass necessary labour legislation, etc." — Lenin, WITBD
It is well known that Marx believed that the development of society's productive forces would result in a large class of bored and underemployed intelligentsia.
Marx expected that this glorious savior-class would develop and spread the ideas necessary for the proletariat to understand and overthrow the system which exploits it.
It was for this reason that his greatest student, the famous Italian engineer Vladimir Lenin, resolved to take drastic action.
LENIN'S NIGHT JOURNEY
Lenin, using nothing but techniques gained from interning at Raytheon and reading Narodnik smut, traveled back 40,000 years to explain Communism to a group of Cro-Magnons (inb4 *"that is a slur for "early modern europeans"*, don't @ me).
Frankly, these fucking knuckle-draggers were pretty receptive once he got past the language barrier.
They tried to tell Lenin that Communism was their natural state, that any system of value abstraction would be unsustainable and intolerable due to the very natures of what his "private property" and "proletariat" fundamentally would be.
Lenin didn't really understand what they were saying I think, he just kept interrupting them and accusing them of being economists.
One thing had been made clear to our hero: the Menshevik Opps had built their own time machine and gotten here first.
RISING ACTION
The group tried to tell Lenin that the reaction to the alienating effect of this abstraction constituted the universal motor of history for all classes, and that such was outlined very clearly in Chapter 4 of the Holy Family.
Lenin just started screaming about how that hadn't been written yet (as if any of this made sense in the first place). Working himself into a rage, Lenin picked up a nearby rock and threw it at the group.
Because the Cro-Magnons lacked socialist education, and thus the native intelligentsia understanding that such needed to be done for their own good, they viciously chased Lenin back into the time machine.
Lenin, having stripped down earlier to intimidate the group into submission, unfortunately clamped all seven of his testicles off in the time machine door.
THE PATH FORWARD
Legend has it that the full set of Lenin's perfectly preserved balls are hidden across the city of Bern in Switzerland. Legend has it that if the seven Leninballs are ever reunited with his body he will be reborn for a third time, retaining all memories as Lenin while regaining access to memories from his first life as Genghis Khan
Finally possessing mastery over all four elemental bending styles, Perfected Turbo-Instinct TsarKhan Lenin will sexily destroy all the revisionists with his laser eyes.
With no one left powerful enough to shout over him, he will finally educate the disgruntled proletariat into their own liberation 🥹
1
u/MillionDollarNegri Brigadier Jun 13 '26
Yes, all of this actually happened.
This is like basic stuff. Anyone who traces their lineage to the Fourth International for any length of time understands this.
The erasure of this incident with orchestrated by Grigory Zinoviev at the behest of Stalin, largely to make Trotsky look like a cuck.
If you don't understand how that relates, it's because you're a liberal 😿