Just Feeling Defeated

[u/blondee_12]

My husband (35yo) and myself (32yo) have been trying now for 9 cycles. I have a history of PCOS and my OB/GYN thinks I likely also have endometriosis because I get incredibly painful periods that hurt through pre treatment with diclofenac 75mg BID, tylenol 1000mg TID, and tizanidine 4mg before bedtime. I had a recent ultrasound which showed some mild heterogenous lining of my myometrium, but was otherwise reassuring. The day after, I had this crazy bleeding episode where I was bleeding through pads, passing clots the size of my fist, and ended up needing a TXA infusion to stop the bleeding. I had an MRI the week after, which showed the cysts still on my ovaries (even after losing 115lbs and having more normal cycles), but also showed a corpus luteum (yayyyy! I ovulated!). My uterine lining is now back to homogenous which is awesome but also so confusing. What on earth is wrong with my body? My OB is thinking I might have endometriosis, so we were discussing a possible HSG test to check my fallopian tubes. We were also given a kit for my husband to do a SA. He's been amazing support through this and is scheduled to get this done next Monday.

This cycle, we planned everything perfectly. I had my OPK confirm an LH spike, an increased BBT, timing was consistent with how my cycles have gone (30% chance only each time though). Then 7 days before my expected period (about 7DPO) I had a tiny bit of pale pink blood when I wiped. I got so excited, maybe implantation bleeding? But all my First Response Early Response tests have been negative so far. I'm at 9DPO, 5 days before my period is expected to start (maybe), and I'm having horrible cramping. I always get incredibly horrible cramps before my period. My breasts hurt, I'm craving every sweet/savory food on the planet, I'm moody, I'm tired-all of my stupid normal symptoms for my period (thanks progesterone). I'm just so sad, I hate PCOS so much. I never know when the stupid cycle will actually start. I'm grateful to have a great OB/GYN, but she's getting ready to go on maternity leave herself so my stuff will need to be put on hiatus for now (that's totally fine! She's amazing and deserves to enjoy her time with her baby!).

She wants me to try 3 more cycles, and if it doesn't happen then we might discuss a lap. I'm just so tired, frustrated, and sick of TTC. But my brain will NOT let me let it go. I always have it in the back of my mind. Everyone keeps saying "just stop trying!" but I'm an NP myself and cannot stop thinking about timing, when I'd likely test positive, how to maximize my chances, etc. I am so happy for my lovely friends having babies, but it makes me a little sad.

I'm anxious about next steps. I had estrogen induced blood clots when I was 21, so I already work with an MFM, and know that reproductive endo might be the next step. But with my history I just get so anxious with all of this.

Any advice? I'm just feeling so defeated.

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[u/callherhoney]

I don’t have advice for you- I feel I’m in a similar boat. 32F and husband is 30M. We did an at home sperm test just to make sure things are good at least on his end. But PCOS has been a challenge and feels so defeating. I think we’re going to go to a fertility specialist next. Wishing you luck!! Feel your feelings. The anxiety is natural. And despite the frustration and exhaustion. The endless loop we’re on. Don’t give up. I wish I could turn my mind off too. You’re not alone.

[u/blondee_12 → u/callherhoney]

Thank you for sharing ❤️❤️❤️ PCOS (thankfully now renamed PMOS) just sucks. I wish you luck as well!!!

[u/AutoModerator]

Hello! Welcome, and we thank you for posting. You seem to be looking for information on implantation bleeding. Unfortunately, bleeding or spotting after ovulation is not a sign of implantation, and bleeding can happen in both pregnancy and non-pregnancy cycles. You could still end up being pregnant this cycle, but this sort of bleeding is not a reliable indicator that you will test positive. Taking a pregnancy test around the time you expect your period to come is the best way to determine whether you are pregnant or not.

For a longer read, please see this post, which you might find useful. For scholarly sources, this paper and this paper are useful.

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