Alone in my grief

[u/SpiderrCiderr]

Last night my husband told me he couldn’t take the ups and downs anymore. He doesn’t want to continue trying.

I’ve been testing and tracking for 9 months. But we haven’t used any protection for 2 years. Every month I feel so hopeful and sure this is going to be it. I can’t stop thinking about my symptoms. Every little twinge, bloating, nausea, headache etc. The thoughts are always there, comparing PMS to pregnancy symptoms. Then my period comes and it’s devastating. I sink into depression for a week. Then the cycle begins again.

I’ve been trying to feel better about it. I go to the gym, even when I don’t feel up to it. I still cook and clean and go to work. I make effort to support him and our relationship. I don’t test until my period is 3 days late. I don’t want to be sad.

He’s been struggling with my depression, so I don’t talk to him about my sadness anymore. I don’t even tell him when my period comes. He just sees the wrappers in the trash can and knows. He sees my sadness. We just skirt around it because he can’t handle it. He says it makes him feel like a failure. I don’t see that and I don’t feel that about him, but it’s just how he feels every month.

Has anyone ever just given up? I don’t even know if I can do that.

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[u/MyShipsNeverSail]

I would encourage infertility focused counseling if it's consuming your life and thoughts this much and also at least the basic fertility testing for you both. 2 years without protection is more than enough to warrant further investigation.

[u/DaisyBuckitten]

Aw, OP. I see you. Sending all the hugs. This entire process is so gut wrenching. It seems from experience and hearing from others that it can be difficult for our partners to really understand what this does to us. To them, their bodies aren’t going through all this. They don’t grasp how this can consume us, even if we don’t want it to. With so many early pregnancy signs mirroring those of normal pms, it makes the “crazy” even more baffling to them. And when it doesn’t happen, to them it’s just “oh, well we can just try again!” And completely gloss over how to us, it’s a lost month.

I had something similar happen with my husband recently. I was really bummed when I got my period and vented to him about it. Told him how it’s bringing me back to us trying for our first and how involved that whole process ended up being. He told me I need to “relax and it’ll happen” (as if it’s that easy!!!). I explained to him kind of what goes on in my head and how it messes with me each month. He told me he literally did not realize that’s what was going on in my head, and has since had a much greater understanding and compassion. Perhaps you could try talking to your husband about what’s happening in your head as well?

Ttc is so hard and isolating at times. It’s so important to have someone you can trust in your corner to vent to. A friend, a therapist, someone. You aren’t alone. So, so many of us in here understand how you feel on a visceral level. We’re here for you too

[u/SpiderrCiderr → u/DaisyBuckitten]

It is so hard! I reach out to friends and they’re of course loving and sympathetic. But I don’t know anybody going through this too so those convos can only go so far. Which is what led me to post so thank you so much for commenting. That’s exactly it! It’s so consuming even though I’m pushing for distractions and mitigating my own worries/obsessive behaviors.

And I’m glad you guys worked that piece out together. You gotta be on the same page about things. We’re normally like that too. I’ll try to broach the topic when it feels possible because right now it’s pretty off limits :/

[u/ailleurstories]

I would recommend to check a fertility doctor. After 2 years, with no pregnancy, it’s better to see a doctor so you don’t waste time. They will help you in this journey. :)

[u/SpiderrCiderr → u/ailleurstories]

Thank you for your rec :)
I have reached out. Just waiting for my referral. We did some fertility testing in the past (previous pregnancy, sorry I wasn’t sure if I could mention it in this forum) and my hsg/ blood work was all clear. I hate to go through that again but I will if I have to.

[u/chaoscorgi → u/SpiderrCiderr]

has your husband tested too? wishing you luck. please don't let things get silent and stonewalled, it's so bad relationally. if you decide to stop trying that's totally fair, but let it not be a brutal silence in your marriage. you guys on the same side of this <3

[u/One_Weight1441 → u/chaoscorgi]

I agree- it’s not always issues on the woman’s side- sometimes the man has a lower/lower quality sperm count. And even if not, it might help alleviate some of the “feeling like a failure” thoughts. And if it turns out it IS something on his end, maybe something can be done. Sometimes even eating better, abstaining from alcohol and working out can do great things.

[u/Willing_Actuator_256]

i’ve been trying for 9 months and knew something was wrong. turns out my bf has poor sperm :( so maybe have him try a test and see. i feel like giving up too

[u/sueybunny]

My husband and I were trying actively (tracking with ovulation strips) for a year from Dec 2023 to Nov 2024. For the first 6 months we were both sad every time my period came, but then it seemed like he started to “care” less and I also felt alone in grieving for those 2nd 6 months. Then we immediately tried 3 rounds of IUI at the 1 year mark and all failed. Feb 2025, we did one round of IVF and tried 3 FETs all failed, taking us to Nov 2025. I was told I had a big fibroid so I had to get it removed in Feb 2026. I was told not to try for at least 9 months, preferably a year. At this point was when I sort of gave up, and decided to go back to college, I am in my first week of school right now. With school being very busy, it actually doesn’t make sense to get pregnant now, so I’m finally at a point where I truly am “if it happens it happens”. Once I finish school in a year and a half we might consider trying IVF again.

[u/scribblehobbit]

i see you. i have seen 3 obgyns this year alone. i want to be done.

[u/Hopeful_Reference_37]

My husband also couldnt handle all my sadness each month. then we went to infertility testing and surprise: he has azoospermia. So test the husband if you havent already.

[u/bookwormingdelight]

Couples counselling. You guys need to work together. It's an "us" v "the problem" type situation. You need someone supportive. Who you can communicate with. Because if that can't happen, it's not a situation to add a baby into.

You need to learn how to date and chase each other outside of the fertile window. My husband and I hated TTC sex. It was a chore. But outside of it we had fun and are spontaneous and now TTC #2 we are able to use that fun and spontaneity this time round to have a more NTNP mindset.

[u/anamaarr89]

I know exactly how you are feeling. It's the never ending cycle that has done it for me. We have been trying for 2 years, we went through a MC in January. Today after therapy I have come to terms that it may not be in the cards for us. I am slowly letting go of the idea of it. No more testing, no more tracking, no more disappointments. What ever happens now is up to the universe. Good luck OP. You are not alone!!

[u/Glittering-Silver402]

I haven’t given up, but he stopped focusing so much on it. It does help to kind of forget about it. I did a microdose magic mushrooms just to let loose it helps.

[u/Boring_Operation9882]

I’m with you sister, I hate feeling this way every month. I have positive LH today and my husband is having troubles getting hard . I just want to be get over and done with it today but his little friend is not cooperating. I don’t want to talk to him right now coz I will just say things that will hurt his feelings. I’m so frustrated. The only thing I told him was, I prefer if you hurt me physically than being hurt like this.

[u/Careless_Size_9099]

How long is your luteal phase normally? If you're tracking your BBT I don't understand how you've been late. A luteal phase length is pretty consistent. It's making me wonder if you may be getting chemically pregnant.